From the category archives:

Badvertising

Badvertising – Swiftcover Insurance With Iggy Pop

by Matthew Laidlow

Iggy, what happened? Did the royalty cheques for Lust For Life dry up?

It appears so as the once radical and slightly mental member of The Stooges has forgotten his punk ethos and decided to sell his soul to an insurance company. Another pissing insurance company, why do they think that famous people will get plebs off council estates in Sunderland to go with their company?

This advert doesn’t really explain anything. Are we covered against swarms of killer bees that can fire lasers at us? Would Swiftcover send a brick layer round if a polar bear knocked down one of our walls? We need some answers.

All the advert proves is that Iggy Pop still can’t afford a shirt and can’t string a sentence together. It makes Johnny Rotten’s butter commercial look slightly bearable.

1 comment Read more >>>

Badvertising – Norwich Union’s Unexciting Name Change To Aviva

by Matthew Laidlow

At the moment the whole universe seems to have been affected by a few people in the banking world.

Subsequently some people are out of jobs, interest rates get cut and everyone ends up paying over the odds for everything.

So what would be the worst thing to possibly to do in a situation like this? Going bust is one thing but re-branding your company comes somewhere close. At a cost of redesigning logos and notifying customers, it all adds up. You’ll need to tell the humble public of the decision. You know, so people know who they’re actually insured with.

Norwich Union is now called Aviva for no particular reason and, instead of hiring out thirty seconds of TV advertising time to tell us this with a cost effective still, they had to go all glitzy and clever on us. Ringo Star, Alice Cooper, Dame Edna and Bruce Willis have all been drafted in to tell us that their careers would have gone tits up if they hadn’t changed from their original dull names.

Do we care? Not really, it’s more interesting to know how much Bruce Willis got paid to promote something he’s never heard of. In the case of Ringo Star, it wouldn’t have mattered if he had been christened Megatron 2000 With New Grilling Facilities. He’s always going to be known as the annoying twat out of The Beatles.

At the moment the whole universe seems to have been affected by a few people in the banking world. Subsequently some people are out of jobs, interest rates get cut and everyone ends up paying over the odds for everything. So what would be the worst thing to possibly to do in a situation like this? Going bust is one thing but re-branding your company comes somewhere close. At a cost of redesigning logos and notifying customers, it all adds up. You’ll need to tell the humble public of the decision. You know, so people know who they're actually insured with. Norwich Union is now called Aviva for no particular reason and, instead of hiring out thirty seconds of TV advertising time to tell us this with a cost effective still, they had to go all glitzy and clever on us. Ringo Star, Alice Cooper, Dame Edna and Bruce Willis have all been drafted in to tell us that their careers would have gone tits up if they hadn’t changed from their original dull names. Do we care? Not really, it’s more interesting to know how much Bruce Willis got paid to promote something he’s never heard of. In the case of Ringo Star, it wouldn’t have mattered if he had been christened Megatron 2000 With New Grilling Facilities. He’s always going to be known as the annoying twat out of The Beatles.
1 comment Read more >>>

Badvertising – John Lennon’s One Laptop Per Child Foundation

by Matthew Laidlow

A few things immediately leapt out at us after viewing this advert.

First of all, John Lennon was dead the last time we checked. So how could he donate his cheeky Scouse tones to a charity appeal nearly thirty years after his death? Did the cocktail of drugs he took in his lifetime finally cause his decayed corpse to rise from the dead and seek out charitable causes? Though it would be slightly creepy and cool, it turns out that pesky Yoko Ono has donated his voice and image to the campaign. Now we know you can donate these alongside blood, sperm and the flu.

Now, don’t get us wrong, the campaign is a great one – it supplies computers to the world’s poorest children, so that they can read hecklerspray and leave badly-spelt comments for us to laugh at. But, really, the advert’s creators should have chosen someone other than John Lennon. He hails from Liverpool, so he’ll no doubt be able to get the laptops a little bit cheaper off the back of a lorry from his mate’s brother’s cousin.

Once a Scouser always a Scouser. Even from beyond the grave.

A few things immediately leapt out at us after viewing this advert. First of all, John Lennon was dead the last time we checked. So how could he donate his cheeky Scouse tones to a charity appeal nearly thirty years after his death? Did the cocktail of drugs he took in his lifetime finally cause his decayed corpse to rise from the dead and seek out charitable causes? Though it would be slightly creepy and cool, it turns out that pesky Yoko Ono has donated his voice and image to the campaign. Now we know you can donate these alongside blood, sperm and the flu. Now, don’t get us wrong, the campaign is a great one - it supplies computers to the world’s poorest children, so that they can read hecklerspray and leave badly-spelt comments for us to laugh at. But, really, the advert's creators should have chosen someone other than John Lennon. He hails from Liverpool, so he’ll no doubt be able to get the laptops a little bit cheaper off the back of a lorry from his mate’s brother’s cousin. Once a Scouser always a Scouser. Even from beyond the grave.
3 comments Read more >>>

Badvertising – Coca Cola And Santa

by Matthew Laidlow

Two of the biggest fictional characters we’re meant to believe in are Santa Claus and Jesus. And it’s coming up to their time of year again.

For 364 days a year, we’re meant to believe that an aging old man is whipping thousands of elves to death in his sweatshop in the North Pole so spoilt children everywhere can get Guitar Hero on December 25th.

As we grow up, we all realise that Santa isn’t real and the man whose lap we sat on in the local shopping centre possibly gets his kicks like Gary Glitter. But how do we all discover Santa isn’t real? Is it because we hear our dads knocking over the Christmas tree at 4am when depositing gifts or because an older child told us?

Neither. It’s because Coca Cola actually own Santa. We’re not sure if he was made in a laboratory deep under the ground, but the jolly fat man we know and love is literally the spokesman of a fizzy drinks company. When he blurts out ho ho ho this is actually a subliminal message that registers in your mind as “DRINK ALL THE SUGAR WATER YOU CAN RIGHT NOW ,YOU LITTLE BASTARD”.

Two of the biggest fictional characters we’re meant to believe in are Santa Claus and Jesus. And it's coming up to their time of year again. For 364 days a year, we’re meant to believe that an aging old man is whipping thousands of elves to death in his sweatshop in the North Pole so spoilt children everywhere can get Guitar Hero on December 25th. As we grow up, we all realise that Santa isn’t real and the man whose lap we sat on in the local shopping centre possibly gets his kicks like Gary Glitter. But how do we all discover Santa isn’t real? Is it because we hear our dads knocking over the Christmas tree at 4am when depositing gifts or because an older child told us? Neither. It’s because Coca Cola actually own Santa. We’re not sure if he was made in a laboratory deep under the ground, but the jolly fat man we know and love is literally the spokesman of a fizzy drinks company. When he blurts out ho ho ho this is actually a subliminal message that registers in your mind as “DRINK ALL THE SUGAR WATER YOU CAN RIGHT NOW ,YOU LITTLE BASTARD”.
2 comments Read more >>>

Badvertising: Marks & Spencer, Take That

by Stuart Heritage

Christmas is a time to spend with family and friends. Or, failing that, a rubbishy old boyband from the 1990s and a gaggle of neatly age-diverse supermodels. And if you could spend it in what’s basically the hotel from The Shining just to make it even more super-depressing, why that’d be just dandy too.

Apparently this is a desire that many of us share, which is why M&S has decided to ward off economic collapse by advertising Christmas using its normal collection of models in conjunction with Take That, who Happen To Have An Album Out. And what fun they all seem to be having – look, there’s Twiggy greeting the boys with a welcome note that looks like used to be used for holding children to ransom! Look, there’s Mark Owen trying to distract everyone from the fact he resembles Old Man Steptoe more and more with every passing day by cuddling a tinselly puppy!

Look, there’s the startlingly masculine model acting out Bernie Clifton: The Motion Picture during a game of charades! Look, there’s everyone getting progressively drunker and drunker until they inevitably end up in a disgusting swingers’ orgy where Lily Cole will have to end up with the tinselly dog because Robbie Williams isn’t in the band any more!

Look, M&S, you’ve gone about this all wrong. Christmas is about goodwill to all men. And what sort of goodwill do you think you’re promoting by waiting a full 77 seconds before letting Noemi Lenoir get her bra out? You utter sods.

Christmas is a time to spend with family and friends. Or, failing that, a rubbishy old boyband from the 1990s and a gaggle of neatly age-diverse supermodels. And if you could spend it in what's basically the hotel from The Shining just to make it even more super-depressing, why that'd be just dandy too. Apparently this is a desire that many of us share, which is why M&S has decided to ward off economic collapse by advertising Christmas using its normal collection of models in conjunction with Take That, who Happen To Have An Album Out. And what fun they all seem to be having - look, there's Twiggy greeting the boys with a welcome note that looks like used to be used for holding children to ransom! Look, there's Mark Owen trying to distract everyone from the fact he resembles Old Man Steptoe more and more with every passing day by cuddling a tinselly puppy! Look, there's the startlingly masculine model acting out Bernie Clifton: The Motion Picture during a game of charades! Look, there's everyone getting progressively drunker and drunker until they inevitably end up in a disgusting swingers' orgy where Lily Cole will have to end up with the tinselly dog because Robbie Williams isn't in the band any more! Look, M&S, you've gone about this all wrong. Christmas is about goodwill to all men. And what sort of goodwill do you think you're promoting by waiting a full 77 seconds before letting Noemi Lenoir get her bra out? You utter sods.
3 comments Read more >>>

It’s A Fairly Wonderful Barclaycard Advert Spoof

by Stuart Heritage

Hey, look at me, I’ve got a Barclaycard and so life for me is like riding around an entire city on a big waterslide. Yes, I know it’s grossly impractical and would have an adverse effect on the infrastructure of the city if all Barclaycard owners had similar waterslides, but look! Aren’t I cool!

No. We’re going to say no.

0 comments Read more >>>

VIDEO: Heidi Klum Jiggles Around In Her Bra For Guitar Hero

by Stuart Heritage

Now that the war between Guitar Hero World Tour and Rock Band is hotter than ever, the time has come for you to pick a side.

On one hand, Rock Band has a bigger range of songs, a more satisfying multiplayer element and a forthcoming spin-off based on the works of The Beatles. But on the other hand, Guitar Hero World Tour has this – a video of Heidi Klum waggling her boobs around like she’s trying to put them out.

It’s a nice enough video and all – and certainly better than the earlier Guitar Hero World Tour advert featuring Michael Phelps having some kind of alarmingly doltish seizure – but if we’re honest we have a few concerns with the whole ‘Heidi Klum advertising Guitar Hero’ thing:

1 – Does anyone else get the feeling that Heidi Klum would dance around in her bra for a human vivisection advert if it got her a second’s worth of attention?

2 – Judging by her routine and the way she’s holding the guitar, we’re not sure that Heidi Klum has ever played Guitar Hero World Tour. Or knows what Guitar Hero is. Or knows what a guitar is. Or, if we’re perfectly honest, if she can spell her own name without any help.

3 – Oh, sure, when Heidi Klum makes a video of herself dancing around in her underwear playing Guitar Hero everyone bangs on about how brilliant it is. But when we do it? Nothing but complaints. Complaints and nausea. And tears. And threats of an arrest. Stupid Heidi Klum.

Now that the war between Guitar Hero World Tour and Rock Band is hotter than ever, the time has come for you to pick a side. On one hand, Rock Band has a bigger range of songs, a more satisfying multiplayer element and a forthcoming spin-off based on the works of The Beatles. But on the other hand, Guitar Hero World Tour has this - a video of Heidi Klum waggling her boobs around like she's trying to put them out. It's a nice enough video and all - and certainly better than the earlier Guitar Hero World Tour advert featuring Michael Phelps having some kind of alarmingly doltish seizure - but if we're honest we have a few concerns with the whole 'Heidi Klum advertising Guitar Hero' thing: 1 - Does anyone else get the feeling that Heidi Klum would dance around in her bra for a human vivisection advert if it got her a second's worth of attention? 2 - Judging by her routine and the way she's holding the guitar, we're not sure that Heidi Klum has ever played Guitar Hero World Tour. Or knows what Guitar Hero is. Or knows what a guitar is. Or, if we're perfectly honest, if she can spell her own name without any help. 3 - Oh, sure, when Heidi Klum makes a video of herself dancing around in her underwear playing Guitar Hero everyone bangs on about how brilliant it is. But when we do it? Nothing but complaints. Complaints and nausea. And tears. And threats of an arrest. Stupid Heidi Klum.
1 comment Read more >>>

Badvertising – DFS Sofas/General Christmas Advertising

by Matthew Laidlow

At hecklerspray, we’re always up for a knees-up. Even if we’re not invited, we’ll at least try to crash various parties until the police are called.

The next major party on our calendar is that of our lord saviour Jesus Christ. When he was born on December 25, not only did he know he’d be worshiped by millions, but he’d have to die for our sins. Sorry about that Jesus – we didn’t mean to squash the neighbour’s cat when reversing down the street.

Instead of it being called Jesus day, that day is often referred to as Christmas. While we use it to chomp on dry turkey, multinational corporations use it as a tool to promote their badly-made product.

Bearing in mind that it’s only just November, DFS are already telling us to buy quickly so they can deliver an Italian three-piece suite to our house in time for Christmas. Last time we checked, sofas and Jesus had nothing in common. That’s unless he was a greasy Italian man who made chairs and talked in a funny accent while eating pizza.

This advert isn’t the worst one we’ve seen on TV, but the fact that Christmas is being whored out to us now is nothing short of depressing. Every year Christmas seems to be arriving that little bit quicker. Expect Easter eggs to be prominently displayed from the 2nd of January 2009. You know, so you can buy early and save precious pennies.

At hecklerspray, we’re always up for a knees-up. Even if we’re not invited, we’ll at least try to crash various parties until the police are called. The next major party on our calendar is that of our lord saviour Jesus Christ. When he was born on December 25, not only did he know he’d be worshiped by millions, but he’d have to die for our sins. Sorry about that Jesus – we didn’t mean to squash the neighbour’s cat when reversing down the street. Instead of it being called Jesus day, that day is often referred to as Christmas. While we use it to chomp on dry turkey, multinational corporations use it as a tool to promote their badly-made product. Bearing in mind that it’s only just November, DFS are already telling us to buy quickly so they can deliver an Italian three-piece suite to our house in time for Christmas. Last time we checked, sofas and Jesus had nothing in common. That’s unless he was a greasy Italian man who made chairs and talked in a funny accent while eating pizza. This advert isn’t the worst one we’ve seen on TV, but the fact that Christmas is being whored out to us now is nothing short of depressing. Every year Christmas seems to be arriving that little bit quicker. Expect Easter eggs to be prominently displayed from the 2nd of January 2009. You know, so you can buy early and save precious pennies.
1 comment Read more >>>

Badvertising: Video Game Course

by C J Davies

Fact: you have been told lies all your life.

From ‘why, your home cooking is delicious’ to ‘no, seriously, season four of The Upper Hand on DVD is exactly what I wanted for my birthday’, fibs and fabrications have a habit of springing up like poppies on an abandoned battlefield.

Want to know the worst lie ever, though? The time a kindly teacher told you to work hard at school, with the encouraging lines ‘if you study well and get good grades, you’ll be able to do whatever you like in the future! Like get a job you really enjoy!’

Well – guess what? That’s a big bag of monkey bollocks. Chances are that your forays into the world of employment will be depressing, unfulfilling and humiliating ordeals interspersed only with the nightly wolfing-down of TV dinners and the tearful doomed-to-repeat-forever collapse onto your lonely, lonely pillow.

Oh – unless you’re these guys, of course. They, like, totally bucked the system.

What true American heroes.

Fact: you have been told lies all your life. From 'why, your home cooking is delicious' to 'no, seriously, season four of The Upper Hand on DVD is exactly what I wanted for my birthday', fibs and fabrications have a habit of springing up like poppies on an abandoned battlefield. Want to know the worst lie ever, though? The time a kindly teacher told you to work hard at school, with the encouraging lines 'if you study well and get good grades, you'll be able to do whatever you like in the future! Like get a job you really enjoy!' Well - guess what? That's a big bag of monkey bollocks. Chances are that your forays into the world of employment will be depressing, unfulfilling and humiliating ordeals interspersed only with the nightly wolfing-down of TV dinners and the tearful doomed-to-repeat-forever collapse onto your lonely, lonely pillow. Oh - unless you're these guys, of course. They, like, totally bucked the system. What true American heroes.
1 comment Read more >>>

Badvertising: Country Life Butter, Starring John Lydon

by Stuart Heritage

Now this is just weird. Easily the weirdest advert we’ve seen since Dee Dee Ramone did that commercial for diarrhea tablets – it’s John Lydon from The Sex Pistols advertising Country Life butter.

Look at him. Look at John Lydon’s happy little face as he springs about around the Morris dancers telling everyone how delicious Country Life is. He wrote God Save The Queen, you know.

Perhaps, and we get the feeling this is true, John Lydon only decided to advertise Country Life butter on TV because its first syllable sounds a bit like a swearword. Who knows?

Nevertheless, we’re confused. Is John Lydon no longer a punk because he’s appeared in a butter advert? Or is he now doubly punk because he’s confounded our expectations by rebelling against the tradition that looks down on people who appear in adverts? Or is he even less punk than we originally thought because confounding our expectations by rebelling against the tradition that looks down on people who appear in adverts is exactly what we thought he’d do, the big sell-out? Or is he the punkest punk ever because he knew we knew that we’d expect him to confound our expectations by rebelling against the tradition that looks down on people who appear in adverts and so he’s confounded that expectation instead, thereby rebelling against our own double bluff?

Now this is just weird. Easily the weirdest advert we've seen since Dee Dee Ramone did that commercial for diarrhea tablets - it's John Lydon from The Sex Pistols advertising Country Life butter. Look at him. Look at John Lydon's happy little face as he springs about around the Morris dancers telling everyone how delicious Country Life is. He wrote God Save The Queen, you know. Perhaps, and we get the feeling this is true, John Lydon only decided to advertise Country Life butter on TV because its first syllable sounds a bit like a swearword. Who knows? Nevertheless, we're confused. Is John Lydon no longer a punk because he's appeared in a butter advert? Or is he now doubly punk because he's confounded our expectations by rebelling against the tradition that looks down on people who appear in adverts? Or is he even less punk than we originally thought because confounding our expectations by rebelling against the tradition that looks down on people who appear in adverts is exactly what we thought he'd do, the big sell-out? Or is he the punkest punk ever because he knew we knew that we'd expect him to confound our expectations by rebelling against the tradition that looks down on people who appear in adverts and so he's confounded that expectation instead, thereby rebelling against our own double bluff?
6 comments Read more >>>

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →