We’ve been informed by her management that Emma Watson actually travelled to university by car, that no helicopters were involved whatsoever and that the source of our story was a big bag of lies. We’re also told that Emma is very upset at the idea of her travelling to university by helicopter, and so we’d like to unreservedly apologise to her.

And we probably won’t repeat stuff we read in The Daily Mail from now on, either. Sorry.

We know we know…Stu’s gone and you don’t know what you’ll do.

You’re probably thinking of jumping in the shower with a toaster, or forcing yourself down the gullet of a large hungry fish – but know this – he’s on ‘vacation,’ or something.

Truth be told, he took some pills to make him lactate, and now he’s slowly working his way across poorest Africa – feeding all he can. We asked him before he left if he thought he’d mind the chafing, to which he clipped on his fanny-pack, looked towards the horizon and said ‘no.’

Don’t worry about him – he’ll be back Monday. Plus he brought a gun.

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There’s too much anger out there on the roads, it’s time to put the fun back into driving and here’s the place to do it: the DriveSexy Academy, where you’ll get the chance to win a Peugeot 107 Verve.

All you need to do is pass three lessons and you’ll be entered into the prize draw. Simple, and enjoyable.

Firstly, learn the delicate art of flirting at traffic lights in a 207 Verve, a valuable lesson that they don’t teach you at driving school.  Next, get behind the wheel of a 107 Verve and learn the art of a stress free drive,  where it’s all about remaining calm and improving your driving.  Lastly, learn to respect the environment using the 308 Verve, improve the mpg and get those CO2 emissions down to the lowest you can.

You can also embed the games into your Facebook page or blog, and a leader board  will keep you updated as to which of your buddies is riding high with the best score.

So enrol, pass the lessons, enter the prize draw, and let the fun commence!

Visit the DriveSexy Academy now

This is a sponsored article. To see your viral featured on hecklerspray contact us.

Just a quick heads-up to the fact that there won’t be any hecklerspray on Monday or Tuesday. This is because the mythic, often started but never completed site redesign that’s been about two and a half years in the making will be taking place.

Relax, it’ll still be the same hecklerspray that you know and tolerate. A little whiter, maybe, and slightly nicer to look at. Plus the iPod in the top-right corner that started as a brave new symbol of the future but now looks so dated that it may as well have a sodding perm on it will be gone as well. Make the most of it while you can.

Obviously, due to the law stating that everything hecklerspray tries will end up being a gigantic miserable failure, there may be a few kinks to iron out on Wednesday. But one step at a time, eh?

You’re not famous enough to be friends with Mr T, but that doesn’t mean you can’t win some of his bling. As part of this big promotion of his, Snickers has decided to give away a bunch of Mr-T Snickers medallions to anyone who does the following…

1 - Go to this Facebook page and become a fan

2 - Write on the wall and mention that hecklerspray sent you.

3 - Get sent a medallion within six weeks.

Oh, and you have to be a UK resident over 13 years of age to enter. So sorry Mum.

And, it’s fair to say, we were rubbish. Thanks to a mixture of horrible weather, a position on the BAFTAs red carpet directly opposite all the real journalists and our own genuinely backwards people skills, we ended up coming away from the BAFTAs with nothing more than trenchfoot, a lack of feeling in any of our extremities and this slightly humiliating video.

We’ll have a full BAFTA report coming up in a few hours – but in the meantime, do feel free to revel in this visual evidence of our thundering social ineptitude.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

And that means two things – firstly, you need to be here between 3pm and 6pm for a succession of 140-character updates on who’s wearing what, who’s given us the stink-eye and, most likely, how unbelievably cold we are.

And secondly, we want you to tell us what questions we should ask the stars. How much of a tit does Kate Winslet plan to make of herself this time? How many dog testicles can Mickey Rourke fit into his mouth at a time? That sort of thing. If they’re good enough – and we don’t completely brick it beforehand – we’ll ask as many of them as we can.

OK, now go crazy.

That’s right – unless something terrible happens in the interim, we’ll be spending Sunday afternoon pressed against a metal railing in the cold shouting at millionaires until they talk to us. And, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, you can be there too.

We’ll be Twittering the nuts off the BAFTAs red carpet experience as it happens, and you’ll be able to follow it live. Come here between 3pm and 6pm on Sunday afternoon for the liveblog, and throughout the day on Monday for reports and pictures and videos and whatever other nonsense we manage to get our hands on.

Will you join us? You’d be making an old, potentially terminally-frostbitten blogger very happy if you do.

Set up to recognise websites that are ‘truly taking Britain into the world of Web 2.0′, the UK2.0 Britain Upgraded awards have decided that we’re the second-best entertainment website in the country. Which we’re perfectly OK with, since the only thing that beat us was the gigantic, wonderful BBC iPlayer. And coming second only to nationally-broadcast television programmes suits us just fine.

So that’s best British blog in 2007, the 45th most powerful blog in the world in 2008 and second-best entertainment website in the UK (or first best entertainment website that isn’t directly funded by the public, as we prefer to think of it) in 2009. What’ll we get in 2010? Some food, hopefully. We’re so very hungry.

Also, £10 says that no New Kids On The Block fans were on the judging panel.

Looking back it’s been a bit of a golden year, really - Britney Spears went mental, Lindsay Lohan became a lesbian and Paris Hilton got robbed. Oh, and some idiot invented Twilight. We take it back, it’s been a crappy year.

It’s technically not over yet, though – between Friday and the new year we’ll be slinging up the various hecklerspray writers’ best of lists for you to read and instantly dismiss as the work of rank amateurs, so you can look forward to that in between realising you don’t like your family as much as you thought and eating enough selection boxes to keep your vomit brown and treacly for a month.

And now, the awkwardly sincere pay-off – once again, we’d all like to express our genuine appreciation to anyone who’s read hecklerspray over the last 12 months. The commenters, the silent readers, the people who’ve accidentally stumbled across the site and found it made them angry, abusive and illiterate – hecklerspray wouldn’t be what it is without all of your help. Given the chance, we’d hump all of you silly.

So merry Christmas, happy new year and be sure to join us on January 2 for the now-traditional ‘hecklerspray beats its head against a desk because there is no news whatsoever’ day. It’ll be fun! Have a lovely Christmas, everyone.

Our scheduled server switch got nudged back a few hours, which is why we managed to sneak a handful of glorious stories up today. However, we are definitely changing our server this weekend, and that means that hecklerspray might be inaccessible from time to time over the next couple of days.

Don’t worry, though, because we’ll be back in full working order on Monday. And, as a kind of apology, here is THE SINGLE GREATEST YOUTUBE VIDEO YOU WILL EVER SEE:

See you on Monday.

Well you can! Because hecklerspray is on Twitter! Properly on Twitter, too, now. We’re not just slapping our RSS feed on there and forgetting about it like before. We’ve actually decided to regularly update it with unique stuff that you’ll only be able to read on Twitter! Things like ‘My legs hurt, I do hope it isn’t DVT,’ ‘Isn’t it cold for this time of the year?’ and the classic ‘Why do acorns get little holders and conkers don’t? Nature can be so very cruel sometimes’.

So follow hecklerspray on Twitter now. Because, remember, if you hate Twitter you’re basically worse than Hitler.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter now

And, as always, where celebrities fail, bloggers are there to clean up the mess. Which explains why today is Blog Action Day, when over 10,000 blogs all take some time to mention poverty in the blind hope that readers will stop looking at videos of cats falling off things for a moment to be preached at by several inert bloggers who haven’t been outside for upwards of six or seven months.

So here goes nothing…

According to the Blog Action Day website:

First and last, the purpose of Blog Action Day is to create a discussion. We ask bloggers to take a single day out of their schedule and focus it on an important issue. By doing so on the same day, the blogging community effectively changes the conversation on the web and focuses audiences around the globe on that issue. Out of this discussion naturally flow actions, advice, ideas and plans.

That last sentence actually ended ‘and empowerment’, but it’s our understanding that no cause is dire enough for anybody to ever use the word ‘empowerment’ for anything, not even ironically, so we deleted it.

Instead, here’s something about Kiva, a microfinancing scheme. Rather than donate money to a charity, Kiva asks you to loan money to a low-income entrepreneur who desperately needs it and, when the loan has been repaid, you get your money back. It’s a lot like Dragon’s Den, except you don’t have to be a mealy-mouthed Scottish ice cream man dipshit to take part.

Since Kiva describes itself better than we ever could, here’s how it describes itself:

1) Lenders like you browse profiles of entrepreneurs in need, and choose someone to lend to. When they lend, using PayPal or their credit cards, Kiva collects the funds and then passes them along to one of our microfinance partners worldwide.

2) Kiva’s microfinance partners distribute the loan funds to the selected entrepreneur. Often, our partners also provide training and other assistance to maximize the entrepreneur’s chances of success.

3) Over time, the entrepreneur repays their loan. Repayment and other updates are posted on Kiva and emailed to lenders who wish to receive them.

4) When lenders get their money back, they can re-lend to someone else in need, donate their funds to Kiva (to cover operational expenses), or withdraw their funds.

By and large, Kiva is incredibly successful – so much so that every loan it had has been funded so far. But, if you want to mark Blog Action Day by doing something about poverty that doesn’t make you look you look anything like Bono at all, you could probably do a lot worse.

Right, back to normal now. All this sincerity is creeping us out.

Visit Kiva now

As some of you already know, Stu promised that he’d grow this beard for a month to see what it looked like and then shave it off. That month is up, but now he doesn’t know whether to keep it or not. And this is where you come in.

Stu has already assembled a list of pros and cons about shaving the beard off, as follows:

PROS:

* He won’t look homeless

* He won’t look like one of The Spin Doctors

* He won’t look like Anthony Worrall Thompson

* Girls will theoretically want to kiss him more

* He’ll be able to eat a Dominoes Double Decadence pizza without his face ending up looking like a hairy exploded cyst.

CONS:

* He’s lazy

* Shaving it off might hurt

* It does look sort of good, doesn’t it?

* Chuck Norris

So what’s it to be? Beard on or beard off? It’s up to you. Fill in this poll-thing below and tomorrow night Stu will collate the results and abide completely by your decision. For a bit, at least. Your vote counts!

So, once again, well done to Ian Dransfield for being spectacularly capable at keeping the old girl afloat for the last few weeks. He’s good, isn’t he? Sickeningly so. How I hate him. But, yes, now I’m back. Make of that what you will. But enough about me, how are you?