Every week it’s the same, nothing ever really changes. We come into the hecklerspray bedsit on a Monday morning, having been released to poison the outside world over the weekend, and find the same stinking pizza boxes, the same drained bottles of methylated spirits and the same greasy, ignominious faces staring at us across the room.

Our ‘colleagues’ as we laughingly refer to them are actually lawyers who, down on their luck after losing a Tax Evasion case, have rented out the far corner of the bedsit which is sometimes known as “The Fred West Wing”. They look ill. Lawyers always look ill.

Perhaps it’s the smell which is putting them off their writs. The festering stench of the opposite corner, marked out by a laminated card which- in odious Comic Sans- reads “POST”. It’s enough to make anyone sick to their stomach.

Of course, it’s not just the hideous odour of your letters that can make people sick to their stomach; sometimes we are responsible for sucking all the good humour out of a given situation. This week it was the turn of Robert Pattinson to feel our tepid wrath when we had a laugh at him for stating the bleeding obvious.

Why is it that some of you writer’s feel it’s ok to be mean and stupid about Robert Pattinson? He’s a nice guy and he’s a good actor, but you would rather corrupt us fans with lies and Bad stuff, will let me ask you this, who makes more money? who has more fan’s? not you that’s for sure, bye.

Whoa there Guene! Let’s not be so final here! Bye? Before we’ve even had a chance to retort? That’s like asking a barbed question in the House Of Commons and running away before the Prime Minister can give an answer. Yes… in this analogy, we’re the Prime Minister and you’re some git MP from out in the sticks. The only appropriate response is this: it’s not about the money. It’s about how cripplingly dull you come across in the media.

Which Pattinson wins hands down. Of course, it’s easy to see why you’d ignore his spine-shuddering mundanity when he’s… just… so… attractive. Look at his broody reptile eyes and his pasty-white, alabaster skin. It’s not just us that wants to lay him down among a field of corn either. Happy Sue wants to break off a piece of R-Pattz too:

Since all these millions of girls and women are crazy about Rob, whats your problem? Does it make any sense you run him down when we all adore him? You must be a man and don’t have any idea what women like. Maybe you should check on the Twilight Saga, do you read? See what women do like. Love them…

Do… you… read? Do you- and we’re picking on this for comic effect- read? Read it back, readers. Here’s Happy Sue hoisting the bloated corpse of the Twilight Saga up onto an imposing pedestal made out of faeces and pulped Dan Brown novels. If the Twilight Saga is indicative of what women like then all women must be necrophiliacs who have a sideline in bestiality.

All women are not like that. Some women, like Happy Sue, are. Pam on the other hand is on to us!

Come on, we all know this ignorant little twit’s opinion doesn’t matter. He has to justify his paycheck with this drivel.

Thanks to our self-aggrandising style, many of you may be sitting in front of your computers nodding along with her rousing call to arms. Who cares about hecklerspray’s opinion?! Those guys are nasty! Booooooo. Down with hecklerspray! To those people we suggest 20 minutes of vigorous sexual activity a paper shredder and those feelings will go away forever.

It’s Been Something Of A Stereotypical Week For Your Defective Correspondence. We’ve Gone From Robert Pattinson/Twihards To Idiots Who Type Like Their Entire Point Is A Title. Like Malinda here, who is apoplectic at our suggestion that Biebergeddon might finally be upon us

Okay Now, Look Ya Dumb B*tches!
This Is Ridicouls Bieber Is Amazing And People Love Him, Your Just Freaking Jealous. LOL! There’s No Way The WorldIs Gonna Go All Out Because Of Him, I Mean Yes, He’s Amazing And Wonderfull Gorgeous And Talented. But He’s Not Going Anywhere And Niether Are We!!! Beliebers Forever. And If YOU Have A Problem With It, Well Go Tell It To Someone Who Cares, Like Your Lonley Fat *ss Mom Who Has 3o Cats!

Thanks Malinda (:

Aww, isn’t that nice? He’s amazing, wonderful, talented and gorgeous but not quite amazing, wonderful, talented or gorgeous enough for people to start literally spontaneously combusting in front of our very eyes. What a shock. Then, of course, no-one cares about what we have to say. Remember the advice we gave you about a paper shredder? That.

Still, some of you got in touch to reveal some tragic personal details about yourselves. Like Sarah, who was delighted to see The Tumblr Trawler sink away into the briny depths, killing all hands:

Yay! Yes I am a sad individual. I’m ok with it though.

 So say we all!

Until next week, you sad, pathetic, excuses for human beings. Go and enjoy your 30 cats.

A couple of weeks ago we asked you to vote on which of our regular ‘best of the web’ features would survive and live to fight on through the murky world of the World Wide Web.

It was a tough fight and some things were said which neither competitor is particularly proud of but we do have a winner. From this Wednesday, your ‘best of the web’ feature will be…

Enjoy!

It’s Friday and the hecklerspray bedsit has breathed a collective sigh of relief as they’re allowed out into the world to live among functioning humans for a couple of days. Unfortunately, I’m still here as there are Readers’ Letters to be analysed. Still, it’s nice to have a bit of peace and quiet to work. No Mof Gimmers shouting about codpieces, no Sophie Hall shouting at Kris Wood for making a reclining chair out of sausage and no Euan L Davidson, breathing heavily in my ear.

Yes folks, Fridays are the nicest time to be in the bedsit. It’s easier to sit in “the clean chair” and the stale stench of discarded cigarettes and methylated spirits is beginning to lift. Unfortunately, that means that the foetid stench of the hecklerspray post bag is coming through loud and clear.

It stings the nostrils.

This week has seen some of our most preposterous correspondence to date. Even long-forgotten artists of yesteryear are getting a mention from the lobotomised dingbats that frequently troll their way through the site. What, you don’t believe me?

How about Justine Clark who got in touch to, and I’m not making this up, offer an opinion on Daniel Bedingfield, the artistic equivalent of a beige dining room:

You talk absolute crap re: Daniel Bedingfield in my opinion. His CD Gotta Get Thru This is totally amazing as far as I’m concerned. This is why art is so wonderful and the media is so crucifying. You annoy me immensly and if only you were that spider you so lovingly spoke about.

Art is wonderful, of course. Daniel Bedingfield’s artistic craft and vision is outmatched only by his sister, Thingy Bedingfield. Of course, it’s not just music that’s an art form.

Some people believe television is art, a sensory waltz for the pleasure of your eyes. That’s probably why people react so well to the colourful dribblings of the Tellytubbies or their grown-up version, Noel Fielding’s Luxury Comedy:

I can see why some people really wouldn’t enjoy this show. But personally, I thought it was brilliant. Haha. I adore Noel Fielding and his work, I always have. But what saddens me is that this show has been getting so many negative reviews.
What people need to really understand is that this show is NOT The Mighty Boosh. It never will be. Julian Barratt DOESN’T need to be in this show, because that would basically make it The Mighty Boosh.
Noel can be independent. Let him. Give the show a chance, guys. You’ve only seen one episode. Noel worked quite hard on it.

There we go folks. Artistic vision is not based on the worth or the quality of the finished piece, it’s based on how hard you work. We should have given Luxury Comedy more of a chance, of course. It was wrong of us to judge it on the strength of just one episode and we realise now that next week’s instalment of Carpet Badger’s Woodland Rainbow Experience will likely be one that pushes it into an entirely new realm of comedic existence.

Or it will continue to be pervasively shite for the rest of its run.

On the bright side at least, he’s not Brad Pitt who, according to this five year old article has a tiny penis. Mind you, that’s according to Juliette Lewis who doesn’t seem to have brilliant depth perception. Luckily, Brad has the world’s slowest rapid-response unit to stick up for his pecker.

A woman is more than acunt and a man is more thanacock. This is a very small woman with a need to talk down to a man she hates to admire. Bradly Pitt is a very BIG man where it counts most to be big. He has a big heart, a big bank account and lots of kids with very BIG love for their dad. Also, Brad’s wife respects him which places them both as close to Hollywoody as the planet Mars. Its a real tribute for them to come off as martians in Hollywood where no human thing lasts for long no matter what its size. And another thing about size… In Hollywood the size of a THING is closest to the hearts of men, only a man who loves women would care less about who is unimpressed with the size ofhisSHOE. Pisson HayawathaKuntababe who coulda shoulda woulda but wasn’t anything at all.

Decipher the nonsensical crap and that’s quite a pleasant comment. Men and women shouldn’t be judged on things that they can’t help. Although, not everyone shares the same opinion of people. Remember homophobic git-drip Diane Richardson from last week’s Readers’ Letters? Well, this week she’s back with one of the most sexually menacing comments we’ve ever had:

I am not a moron, i can lay on my bed and put a 14? dildo into my anus until its disappeared and you wont even see a flinch in my eye, can either of you to dipshits do that, the answer is NO !!
What planet are you guys living on, everyone knows that the deeper you can put something into your ass, the smarter you are, so you had better straighten up because i am obviously far superior to either of you.
As for you JOANNA, you probably couldnt even get your pinkie finger in your ass, thats how dumb you are…………Retard !!

Make sure you don’t puncture any vital organs while you’re doing that, Diane. Of course, the insertion of floppy, phallic objects into oneself is high on the agenda of one Paris Jackson, daughter of Michael. She’s pre-destined to have really kinky, unprotected sex with Justin Bieber, according to God. Naturally, the whine of pernicious cunts that call themselves Michael Jackson fans are furious about this biblical necessity:

Whoever wrote this article is a fucking dickhead! You have no respect for anyone whatsoever. Maybe your just jealous coz no one gives you the sex-eye you fuckwit. Excuse my language but you deserve it doochebag. RIP MJ. We love you man. I wish Paris the best in life. Not so much of a fan of Beiber but..whatever.

We also wish Paris the best in life. Perhaps she’ll have a child out of wedlock with young Bieber and it can grow up to be the second coming of Christ, given the religious following that both precocious brats have. Still, at least that was polite compared to DharmaRepublic’s effort, who decided to call us Nazis:

THIS IS MEANT TO A WEBSITE?..news?..entertainment??..or is it the Nazi guide to news….from a Christian perspective?

lol..

GROWN UP GOSSIP…lmAOooOOoo,….hahah

some people REALLY DO DELUDE THEMSELVES DONT THEY….like the creators of such errr…..Site .

This is definitely a website. The fact that it can be read on the internet should be the first clue. Of course, the Nazi guide to news wouldn’t have a Christian perspective, as such but given that DharmaRepublic laughs at their own “jokes” using the term “lmAOooOOoo”, it’s hardly surprising to see them not understanding that.

On the bright side, at least they’re not threatening us with physical violence. Unlike the inimitable Stefani, who was so upset about the Michael Jackson Glee episode that she threatened us with actual bodily harm.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS FUCK ARTICLE ABOUT? STUPID ASSFUCKER IMMA KILL AND SMASH YO ASS AND EAT IT!

Given that the charming Stefani seems to believe that ‘assfucker’ is a biting insult, we’re surprised to see that she would be absolutely fine with eating the anus of our writer. Then again, Michael Jackson fans will do anything to imitate their spiritual leader Uri Geller.

That’s it for this week, folks. We hope you’ve enjoyed this sickening display of fatuousness and we’ll leave you with this:

I think this is a real great blog. Keep writing.

Just kidding, we’ll actually leave you with this:

Fuck you – you little tick terd. You’re a shithead like your buddy Stuart.

‘Til next week, you piss-stains.

God, look at you all.

Sat there in your ostentatious Ivory Towers looking down on us in our hecklerspray hovel as we scrap around trying to pick a living from the meagre bones of underweight celebrities. You sit in judgement of us like a Feudal Lord views his peasants with seeming omniscience.

You sit there with your lucky dip box at the ready, it loaded with randomly generated insults and put-downs designed to make us feel like the lowest of the low, like the dog dirt on the shoe of the internet, like Tim Westwood. Your words are designed to cut, to hurt but are said with the best interests at heart. You want to protect your favourite celebrity because you know- deep down- that they’re too disinterested or stupid to defend themselves.

That’s where Readers’ Letters comes in. Every week we plunge our heads into the faeces clad Water Closet of the hecklerspray bedsit and extract from its odious bowels the hecklerspray Post Bag. It’s enough to make a porn star gag and yet we do it for you as a public service.

A community service, if you will. Ordered by the courts to pay off libel charges.

So here it is. This week’s delve through the detritus.

The internet. It’s so full of homophobes that you’d think it was like a giant, multi-billion-user British National Party meeting. The constant slew of comments coming from graduates of the Youtube School of Intelligent Thought is enough to make your blood boil until it resembles a fine Port. Take this example. You see, homophobes really like to drive home their point by making it in every available space:

The word ‘gay’ appears in an insulting tone a whopping seven times in a three word comment. To all of you, there is only this message. Being gay isn’t something that should be seen as an insult. It’s not insulting to be called gay. It’s just… not.

Of course, sometimes the homophobes manage to dress their homophobia up as a social commentary. In the case of Diane Richardson (her home address is not available at request), she’s chosen to stand in complete opposition to reasonable thought:

Gays have no right to inhibit free speech or define gay. Who do they think they are? Answer: Nobody! Some people ARE born gay I’ve witnessed this in my own family but a huge majority are gay by CHOICE, for instance poor men. Many poor men perform gay sex acts on men for money and in prison heterosexual men have forced and consensual sex with each other. After they’re released they go home to their women. (gross) Anne Heche (loved her hair) was gay for a while.
Sandusky, Bernie Fine , Eddie Long (all GOP) and other pedophiles are GAY because they engaged in sex with underage and adult males. Gays spent a lot of energy trying to convince everyone that pedophiles were straight. Fail! These guys had sex with boys and young men.

Well, there you go then. Here at hecklerspray, we like to start with the really vitriolic crap before we lapse into a more relaxed meander through the scores of people that despise us, not an entire group of people. It’s easier that way.

Speaking of people that absolutely despise us, Libertines fans have been sitting with their thumbs in their mouths, desperately hoping that someone would care enough to write an article about them and hark! Someone did. What did the article say? Does that matter when it provoked so much fury from One Eyed Jacks?

Worst article ever from a talentless author without any sensitivity for good lyrics and musicality.

Hmm… maybe he hasn’t heard The Libertines before. Still, fans of ‘The Mad-Libs’ aren’t the only group of righteous, entitled git-pots to get in touch this week. Earlier, Editor Mof flippantly mentioned Toni Braxton‘s numerous bankruptcy claims in an article about Whitney Houston’s moaning coupon and prompted furious scenes amongst Toni’s fan base.

Read that again.

Toni Braxton’s fan base.

We know. Give yourself a moment to take it in before you read what Brittani had to say:

You should really get your facts straight about Toni Braxton before you start speaking negative about her. That is pure ignorance! Don’t ever talk about Toni again unless it’s on a positive note! Shame on you! You shouldn’t be talking about Whitney either but I guess some people just have nothing else to do with their life but judge others…

Err… right. Sorry. We’ll never talk about Toni Braxton again. She can go on the pile of ‘Celebrity Irrelevancies That We Can’t Mention Because They’re Too Cripplingly Dull” along with Timmy Mallet and Sylvester Stallone’s Mum. It’s the only honour she’s ever likely to win again. This promise didn’t deter Richard though:

There was no need to use Toni Braxton’s name in this article, especially in a vicious mean way, you need to hope you never find yourself sick and in financial trouble, since you seem to think you’re better than others. Quite a shame.

Thanks for hoping that we never find ourselves in financial trouble! Would you be willing to help us out by setting up donations of just £4 a month that would allow Euan Davidson & Miss Robotnik to feed their monstrous cocaine habits? Anything you can give would help.

Let’s face it, everyone’s in financial trouble and we only have Toni Braxton to blame. Still, if you need someone else to blame, why don’t you try everyone’s favourite sexual pariah? No, it’s not Gary Glitter, it’s Caroline Flack! You already know that she’s limping through faked orgasms with human libido Harry Styles but did you know that someone calling themselves Harry Styles left a comment on our articles.

As usual with this kind of thing (see the Readers’ Letters Tom Hardy Special), we can only assume that the comment is from the floppy-haired-erection-monster and treat the comment with the necessary respect.

Harry styles is a cute nice boy Caroline you need a life touching body parts of q 17 year old you could be his mother you fucking idiot get a life and a real boyfriend and if you to get so serious the whole world will hate you Caroline and Harry one direction would be over and bye bye to your fans and Harry I am saying this for you I love your music and you

Harry Styles: demonstrable egomaniac. Not only is he a certified narcissist, he’s also criticising Caroline Flack for her love of tossing him off behind the bike sheds. Oh wait. Hang on. Maybe this isn’t Harry Styles talking about himself in the third person but some jealous One Direction fan who spends 3 hours of every day ‘worshipping’ their Harry Styles doll.

Still, at least worshipping a Harry Styles doll is closer to human contact than being in love with a video game. Yes, the announcement of Resident Evil 6 has seen accidental ejaculations all across the gaming world with one fan’s excitable eruption registering as a 2.3 magnitude Earthquake. The comment below- from Sasha- is indicative of the kind of response our article garnered from Capcom’s verbose and witty fan base.

”’_”’ ???_??? ^^^_^^^ “””_””” $$$_$$$ %%%_%%%** (LOL)** I LOVE U RESDENT EVIL

Moving away from video games and on to TV now as yet more comments pour in on our article which compares The Office with its American counterpart. The sporadic running battles on this comments section have largely turned into a series of vitriolic, xenophobic rants. Like Up Yours, who shoved a flaming envelope through our letterbox before flying home on a nuclear missile.

hey I bet this was some british fuck doing this review its cool to have country pride but just remember the AMERICAN REVOLUTION…… america!!!!! so quit being byes you uk fuck ….the office america wins this thats why it lasted 8 seasons …. suck that…you BOSTON TEA PARTY FUCK

TO ARMS, MEN! THE AMERICANS ARE COMING BACK FOR ROUND TWO! Of course, we’d usually moan about the fact that this article was written three years ago and have a good ol’ chuckle at the idiocy of the man who still believes this argument is relevant. However, given that our friend doesn’t appear to operate in the same area of time-space as us, that line would be redundant. This guy believes the Tea Party has just happened. This man is from the past.

ALL HAIL THE TIME LORD!

Before we all bow down in glorious acquiescence to our new ruler, we’ll leave you with this. Someone didn’t like us having a laugh at Drake’s expense.

Wow this is the worst article ever. Seriously. Kill yourself.

This can be roughly translated as:

Everyone who doesn’t like the same thing I like should either kill themselves or be murdered because my opinion is correct on every single point of minutiae.

So cheers for that, Comrade Stalin.

Until next week, our Semen-Stained Overlords.

It’s that time of the week where you’d usually be reading hecklerspray’s look at the best that the whole wide internet has to offer. This week it’s different. This week things are going to get real.

You see, at hecklerspray, we value your feedback. Given that 90% of the time “your feedback” is to aggressively wish death upon us, we’ve grown used to ignoring it and making snide remarks about your sexual profligacy while we hide in the bedsit, cocooned in our wrap-around Virtual Boy-style monitors.

That doesn’t mean we don’t care! That’s why we’re giving you the opportunity to change the way we do things. Do you want to see Webthump brought back from the dead to gnaw at your forgotten corpses with its sharpened teeth of internet funnies or do you want to  see The Tumblr Trawler, the most recent incumbent, stay on in its stead.

The winner gets to become our regular Wednesday feature, winning the adoration and respect of every hecklerspray staff member and reader in the process while the loser will be cast down into the fiery pit of heckler Hell with the likes of ‘Celebrity Astronime Domini‘, ‘Creased or Folded?‘ & the long-forgotten ‘Myspace Trawl‘.

The tension is palpable, the consequences undeniable and this needless tension building is only serving to ramp up your fevered excitement at getting to click a button. Look at you. You’re sweating. Calm down.

The choice is yours, dear reader. Change your shirt.

PLACE BETS NOW!

Well, knock us down with a feather. It must be that time of the week again. The time when we force our hands into the stinking, wretched filth that comes into the hecklerspray mailbox.

To give you an idea of what our mailbag actually resembles, allow us to paint you a picture. With words. Imagine taking a bowl of delicious, ripe fruit and writing a series of misguided, offended or just plain idiotic messages on each pieces and then leaving it to rot. Then imagine putting the pulped, putrid remains of the fruit into a plastic carrier bag and leaving it in a very humid room for a couple of weeks.

Then imagine having to dip your hand into that to remove and read something which calls you a useless idiot. That’s called user feedback, folks and it fucking sucks.

Still, without any further ado, let us wash the remains of your rotten correspondence from our hands and copy your dribbling rants verbatim.

You can pity us but it won’t do you any good. You did this to us in the first place. So here’s this week’s Readers’ Letters. Benevolent deities help us all.

First up this week is the spawn of Jay-Z’s loins. Naturally, this is one of the biggest celebrity stories of the year because they’re both like totally famous and, like, totally talented and stuff. Of course, people with a fan base inevitably have legions of masturbatory freaks who can’t take a joke. Like “Me” for instance. No, not me. Some moron who still thinks referring to themselves in the singular is funny.

I can tell by your article that you don’t like reporting on beyonce so why do they have you doing it.. I came on her to read about beyonce not about how sarcastic you can be.. I mean really get over yourself or don’t report on her..give someone else this job

Reading comments like this really leads us to a phenomenon known as ‘hulking out’, where we all turn either into Marvel Superheroes or into 80s’ American wrestlers. The whole fucking point is that the article is about how sarcastic we can be. There’s nothing else to it. Until you people stop projecting some kind of journalistic ethical code onto us, we’re going to keep having to repeat this every week. Here it is in simple English.

WE ARE NOT JOURNALISTS. 

At least Sparkletits gets it; even though she (?) was replying to some other moron on some other article:

Whoa there friend, settle down. This site is beloved specifically because it brutalizes celebrities. This is like walking into a boxing match and complaining about the violence. Fuck off to people.com or whatever. LiLo is a trainwreck tire fire and does hilarious shit. The end.

That was in response to someone called Michael Prymula, who has a name like a cheese substitute that comes in a tube. His opinions should therefore be disregarded but given that we used to enjoy the one with chives in it on Ritz Crackers, here’s his “worthwhile contribution”:

Fuck you! you worthless fucking piece of dogshit! You think other people’s hardships are SOOOOOOO hilarious, why don’t you just go fuck yourself and stop writing bullshit that nobody cares about! Lindsay can and WILL make a comeback, and she’s a FAR better person then you are!

This is another one. “No-one cares about your opinion” or “nobody cares about their indiscretions”. Of course they do. By leaving comments angrily decrying those who take the piss out of your smacked-up idol, you’re disproving your own point. Of course Lindsay Lohan is a better person than us because we’re fatuous cunts that use our money (earned from a career making faces like we’re having sticks pulled from our arses) to buy crack and smoke a bowl in someone’s poolhouse.

Wait. Hang on. We’ve got ourselves mixed up with strung-out, failed actor Lindsay Lohan, haven’t we? Silly us.

Still, much as ‘she of the poolside nickname’ has some misguided fans, that’s nothing compared to the fans of 30 Seconds To Mars frontdick Jared Leto. Of course, given that all groups of fans have to collective nouns to distinguish them from your average horde of braying nutsacks, we’ve decided to christen Leto’s lot “The Leotards”. Please pass it on to those forums you frequent.

Sometimes it’s the names of the people posting that really draw you into a comment. Take TheGuyWhoWroteThePostIsAFaggotJelousFatForeverAloneSucker which must be an unmitigated nightmare to sign on a disability cheque. This pillar of the Leotard community was up in arms because we wrote an article about him ALMOST FIVE YEARS AGO.

Who the hell’s the gay guy that wrote the post? I bet he’s a fat friki foreveralone 40-year-old who still wets his bed and jelous of THE PERFECTION OF JARED LETO.

Just another hater modafogga who will burn in hell.

Of course, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from the heavily Christian fanbase of 30 Seconds To Galaxy Caramel, it’s that homosexuality is wrong and is punishable by eternity in the firey pits of hell. It is surely not going too far to assume that there must be a fate worse than this for people who like Jared Leto’s fucking awful band.

AJAJAJAJJAJAJAJAJAA
Motherfoggaaaaa
Crappy band? Yo’ mamaaa
Go to hel ahhahahahahaa This dude has some issues.

Yes, here it is again. Would you like us to pick it out?

This dude has some issues.

This from the person who can’t spell motherfucker (or anything for that matter), thinks homosexuals deserve to burn in hell and, perhaps most heinously of all, thinks 30 Seconds to Peanut M&Ms are or ever were any good. It’s stunning to think that someone like this is out living amongst us and not locked in a darkened basement, hooked up to a car battery.

Still, at least ajay knows what we’re all about:

very very very very sexy

Thanks.

Until next week; be good. If you can’t be good be careful. If you can’t be careful then try not to impale your genitals on anything sharp.

Every week, hecklerspray is inundated with people who have opinions about us, our lives, our right to do the job we do and the celebrities that we take the piss out of. It’s always delightful to sit and sift through page after page of people telling us that we should be killed or have various parts of our anatomies sheered off by a sharpened snowboard.

Of course, those ones are our favourites and they’re the ones that we keep for ourselves and take to bed with us at night so that the burning hatred of the reader can keep us warm in our cold beds.

These ones are for you…

 Yes, it’s time to trawl through our putrid postbag as we bring you the best/worst of this week’s Readers’ Letters.

This week saw the triumphant return of one of our longest running features after the Christmas period. However, this week’s Hecklerscopes were met with a sniper’s bullet, fired by Kev:

Oh come on, The Daily Mash has been doing these for years.

Oh no! We cried! He’s on to us! We’ve ripped a feature idea off The Daily Mash! How incredibly awkward! We’ll have to issue a full and frank apology to all our readers that were offended by our shameless plagiarism. That was until the notorious hecklerspray Phantom pointed this out:

 So have we…

http://www.hecklerspray.com/hecklerspray-horoscopes-14-20-feb/20062232.php

So pipe down.

Whoops! Sorry Kev, looks like we’re not as unoriginal as you thought. Still, what is unoriginal is the slew of dribbling crapsacks who seem to rely on us for “news” and “facts”. Like Aba here, who was incensed that we comedically overstated Beyoncé & Jay-Z’s hospital demands:

Untrue, the hospital issued a statement denying these rumours. Stop posting false info!!!

Absolutely not. Misinformation is what keeps our blackened hearts beating. We’ll never give it up, not in a million years. Another thing we’ll never give up is picking on Chris Brown and his legion of idiotic fans who believe that he shouldn’t be open to lampooning because he could probably knock seven shades of shit out of us (especially the girls). Deed P was so incensed that he/she forgot how to spell:

I think your the ones who need to grow up and get a life. You have no clue what it’s like to live life as he does. May if you spent half the time you spend talking about other life you can focus on what really important the music. You have no right to judge and continue to talk about something that happened 3 years ago aren’t you suppose to keep up with the times n not get stuck in the past. Please sounds like you need to get a life n stay out of others personal affairs.

Funnily enough, we get this kind of comment a lot so let’s address each issue individually, shall we? That way, we might not get as many in the future.

1. Grow Up & Get A Life: Most of us are grown up and do have lives beyond writing about donkey-punching celebrities. Some of us even have mortgages and families. There are rumours that some may even have parents, despite the common view of us all being spawned by the Ire Tree.
2. You have no idea what it is to live life like he does: Ironically enough, thanks to Team Breezy, we do have a lot of people who are willing to criticise us at the drop of a hat for saying no more than Chris Brown is a violent convicted felon.
3. His music is awful.
4. Aren’t you supposed to keep up with the times?: Yes: and we do. It just so happens that Chris Brown beating Rihanna to within an inch of her life is the comedy gift that keeps on giving. It’s the proverbial rod to beat Chris Brown with until one of us expires. It’s not our fault that he keeps saying really stupid things.
5. Stay out of others personal affairs: Surely the idea of a ‘megastar’ punching another ‘megastar’ square in the face on numerous occasions before being arrested, tried, convicted and publicly apologising all under and intense media spotlight can’t be referred to as someone’s personal affairs.

i aint being funny but keep your nose out of wills buisness alfiono and will smith are the best i love em both im a fan of fresh prince of bel air! x

Good for you Ashleigh! Still, this evoked a response from none other than renowned author Emily Brontë to leave this riposte that we would find it hard to better.

 You’re perfectly right, you’re not being funny.

To quote the vernacular of teenagers everywhere; “sick burn”. It doesn’t matter though because here is a witty and wise opinion of Crowded House:

FUCK OFF YOU CUNTS!!!! YOU FUCKING SHOW PONY FAGGOTS – HATE YOU AAAAALLL. BRING bACK DA RAP METAL. NEIL FINN IS GAY!

The guy called himself “Durst” and had an email address extoling the virtues of the hideous, misogynistic, laugh-at-a-child-while-she-dies-in-a-crush, so-called frontman of legendary shite-metal group Limp Bizkit. Nice to see that people are opening their minds to people of all sexualities. Rock on.

And finally…

If Chevy Chase dies this year, or any other, so will my soul.

Until next week, you wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Happy New Year, you jerk-offs. A lot of you have been snivelling onto us, trying to get us to bring back Readers’ Letters so that you don’t have to trawl through our articles looking for all the nut jobs that believe we’re being serious (which we are, obviously) and to you we say only this.

FINE, JEEZ.

You’re so needy. Look at you, sitting there like overgrown babies desperately waiting to read about all the people that hate us so that you can make a mental note of the kind of thing to bombard us with over the next week.

You’re the worst kind of scum and that’s why we love you. Anyway, for the first time in 2012, let’s take a dive into our putrid postbag shall we?

First up this week is a man that will definitely have kicked the bucket by the end of 2012, Mr Barry Manilow. The easy-listening zombie still has some fervent fans who spend their time kicking around Google News, waiting for someone to care enough about him to write something. Like our friend JW for instance:

First of all, it’s obvious you haven’t done ANY homework at all, you jackass! Barry did NOT have hip replacement surgery. He had the abductor muscles and the bursas repaired!

Are you jealous of him because he has more people adoring him than you will ever have? He’s earned everything he has and earned all the fans he has. God bless him for being 68 years young and still going like he was 30. Have you ever seen his show? If not, you have no right to say anything. He isn’t called the “showman of our Generation” for nothing. It’s one of the best shows I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen a lot of them.

And just an FYI for your 20 IQ……..It is Michael Jackson who gets the blue ribbon for the weirdest face in pop music! YOU should look as good as Barry does!

You didn’t even have the guts to put your name on this. No balls????

Nice!! oh wait … yes nice a boson get trapped in your head and thts fenomenal! Because its the only thing inside!
And PF at the olimpia will be fenomenal too.

If you can translate this then please leave us a comment. We’ve had it pinned up in the bedsit for almost a week and we’ve got as far as “Higgs Boson in your head” and that’s about it. Still, at least it prompted one reader to cry out for a return of Readers’ Letters.

I think it is time to bring back the reader’s letters column.

See? Oh well, at least they know what we’re all about, unlike this Robert Pattinson fan:

You are a complete idiot. Who cares what you think.

You, apparently. When you spend so much time trawling the internet looking for people who are bad-mouthing your masturbatory fantasy only to then comment on said articles telling them how little they understand about what makes the object of your fizzy pants great then you are the one who cares what we think. Just thought we’d make that perfectly clear.

Still, at least Ella might get it:

Is this column some form of satire?

If this was Family Fortunes an alarm would sound and Ella would have just won an attractive fridge-freezer. As it stands she wins the hecklerspray award for stating the fucking obvious. Then again, it’s not just hateful nonsense that we get on our articles. This next correspondent believes that we are some kind of official contact channel to the team behind Jackass and left this comment on a picture of the departed Ryan Dunn.

hi jackass i would like to be replacing Ryan Dunn in jackass 3d full penetration because i have seen the preview of the movie and i have done the kind of stunts before if you want me to join jackass 3d call me on __________ my name is Daniel Kemble 11.5 i live at ____________ my postcode is 5164 once again i have done those kind of stunts before i would love for you to read this message one of the remaining of the funniest crew ever and i am deeply sorry for the passing of Ryan Dunn i hope to be in the new jackass movie that you guys are still filming because of Ryan’s passing and i am sorry for saying that i hope you call me about the replacement of Ryan Thank’s hope you guys get this real soon

Bloody hell. Still, even that’s not as weird as this interesting little ditty from Mr. Alexander Simon who has some obscure opinion on the divorce of Avril Lavigne and the one with the big nose from Sum 41.

A LION’S SHARE! Second Verse

Hunger cries the Lion;s Heart,
As Heat warms bones dry and waiting …;
Teeth open and thirst edded open for girl waiting!

Hair like mother’s monetary;
Cool simmer of frame;
A girl new and caring;
Whet and win; as sun does dance like new sun!

A lovely carpet sand and dance, a love!

Swoon and river red boils hot open …,
Man Lion and Woman Lion Garel and stir the wind dressed tumble;

Hot is whet and whet is more …;
Girl and boy dance and whirl in sand and lock in heat;
And fire … more in sand and waist not a taste!

Moments are days and days are months … time is longer;
He kisser Her with teeth locked into her groin;
Steady now Lady I give you, my lock;
Babies in seven months;
All makes a Lion no sweet tonight!

The moon is cool, calm is bed,
One month in morphine heaven are babies read!

With a battle and brother red with smile;
Dead is father not brother amile!
-#30-

Err… right. If anyone has any idea then please do leave us a comment and let us know what the hell we’ve just experienced. We’re afraid to go outside at night.

So while we cower in the bedsit, we’ll leave you with this honest and frank confession by andy j.b:

im a fat bellend

Right, fuck off. We’ll see you next week. Same Batshit Crazy Time, Same Batshit Crazy Place.

You were hoping for some kind of dreary round-up of 2011, which presumes you can’t remember everything that happened in the year you just lived in?

Don’t be a pampered, lazy, ridiculous swine. Instead, go and binge drink, get arrested on NYE and spend the first days of 2012 in a cell, riddled with shame and puking up into your velcro shoes. See you there.

Hello dipsticks. We haven’t done a readers’ letters for a while have we? To be honest, we’ve been busy. Busy lording it up at an award ceremony and, prior to that, begging you for votes and rigging the process so that we definitely won.

Also, we’ve been very wounded by those slating the video. We take all your insults personally and it’s very hard of us… *bites fist and fights tears*… sorry… it’s just… we try our best y’know?

Okay. We don’t. We’re lazy. Very lazy. And unprofessional. And liars. Either way, we’ve waddled back to the foetid sack of letters and correspondence and, Christ, you lot are still as barking as ever. Shall we have a look together? You’ll find some white-supremacy and bad spelling!

So, first off, we’ve got the Beliebers on our case as usual. They’re taking up the slack left by Michael Jackson fans who probably don’t love the King of Pop now he’s dead. They’re so fickle. So remember Justin Bieber coming out talking about a dog as opposed to that whole He Might Be Having A Baby thing?

One reader yelled:

“you possibly want to post this shit to just because u ain’t worth to tell a shit in this gossips, anyway he is just way too far to be good to have it with a girl instead of the girls are really insane want to be pregnant with justin, now that’s the gossip we have, ain”t right?”

Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Elsewhere, our review of Young Apprentice caused some grief. Sam Johnson wanted to level all sorts of things at us.

“I bet when you were 17 you weren’t half the person these ‘little twirps’ are. Go and write a real story-at least they’ll end up doing something better than writing for a pretty much unread article. But if you want to encourage teen sex, be my guest. What sort of position are you in to judge them!?”

On the contrary Sam. We said that LORD SUGAR was encouraging teen sex and, we spelled ‘twerps’ correctly. If you’re going to troll us, do it properly. Badly berating also was cute little Roshan.

“this article was written in bad taste, the last paragraph in particular about Mohammed was pretty harsh. you are the type of person that makes other people feel low about themselves and enjoy it. the internet has alot of wonder things but you use it to heckle others. Mohammed may have been annoying yet he has achieved much more than i bet you have in your whole life. he has a proper business and only aged 16 while you write article unnfuny unoriginal artilces.”

What makes you think they’ve finished?

“ohh by the way he may be small as continously joke about but i bet my mortage that you would wouldn’t have the guts to tell him that in his face up front. you are probably a fat slob who spends their life in front of a computer. you just use the anonymity of the internet to critise others. why don’t you get up and do something yourself. i usually never get angry on the internet but people like you really annoy me.”

Roshan then followed this up with:

“i bet you will remove my comment eh?”

This saw the marvellous BP Perry getting involved, replying to Roshan with

“I’m also willing to bet my mortage that the writer of this post would wouldn’t have the guts to tell this tiny little boy that he is only visible through a microscope in his face up front.

It’s fat slobs like whoever wrote this article – standing outside the tent critising anything that comes out of it – that are ruining the world’s largest pornography and cats-falling-into-toilets depository mankind has ever known.

Sham on you, I hop you burn in Hull.”

Brilliant. Of course, there was more abuse in store for us. This time, from someone who normally leaves positive comments. In our article which included the video of us winning our Cosmo Blog Award (which you can watch here), they noted that Ed. Mof’s appearance was…

“Now that’s funnier than watching midgets run track. Congrats, how much did you have to pay?!”

Elsewhere, we rightfully had a pop at hipster pin-up Lana Del Rey. Artua was compelled to get in touch to say:

My first post on your blog. You got to chereg Google and found what he was looking for, so I decided to leave and go to kommentray you pochsche. Or maybe you leave me a comment. I would be very happy. Thank you.

However, our COMMENT OF THE MONTH came from Steve Gray who replied to our story that Kitty from the X Factor had reportedly said something really racist. He wanted to use hecklerspray… yes, that’d be us who don’t have anything sensible to say about anything AND really hate racist pricks… to puke – and brace yourself – this:

“I can`t wait for the day when an X-Factor contestant drop the white genocide-bomb:

Africa for the Africans,Asia for the Asians,white countries for EVERYBODY!

Everybody says there is this RACE problem. Everybody says this RACE problem will be solved when the third world pours into EVERY white country and ONLY into white countries.

The Netherlands and Belgium are just as crowded as Japan or Taiwan, but nobody says Japan or Taiwan will solve this RACE problem by bringing in millions of third worlders and quote assimilating unquote with them.

Everybody says the final solution to this RACE problem is for EVERY white country and ONLY white countries to “assimilate,” i.e., intermarry, with all those non-whites.

What if I said there was this RACE problem and this RACE problem would be solved only if hundreds of millions of non-blacks were brought into EVERY black country and ONLY into black countries?

How long would it take anyone to realize I’m not talking about a RACE problem. I am talking about the final solution to the BLACK problem?

And how long would it take any sane black man to notice this and what kind of psycho black man wouldn’t object to this?

But if I tell that obvious truth about the ongoing program of genocide against my race, the white race, Liberals and respectable conservatives alike say that I am a naziwhowantstokillsixmillionjews.

They say they are anti-racist. What they are is anti-white.

Anti-racist is a code word for anti-white.”

No. Don’t bother trying to work it out. Feel free to re-read it a few times. We promise you that it doesn’t get any clearer the more you read it.

Still, one guy got in touch about his feelings and he made them perfectly clear.

i really love to see lesbians pleasing each other,it really turns me on..im a guy but i want to fuck lesbians.

Laters potaters.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Watch this. Editor Mof is in it looking like an idiot and talking like a fool (and they cut out all the bits where he was nasty about everyone on Earth,mercifully) at the Cosmo Blog Awards 2011.

Thanks to all who voted for us. We’ll stop going on about it now.

So. hecklerspay went and won an award. That’s right. Between the judging panel of Cosmopolitan UK and all you wonderfully rotten people who voted for Team ‘Spray, we went and landed Best Celeb Blog.

An award so important that the word ‘celebrity’ can be abbreviated.

And so, here’s a little diary of the night, complete with photographs of the event. And me, Editor Mof, went and made an absolute fool of himself as promised. All thanks to you shower of gits. (Seriously though, thanks and everything. Next month, you shall build a giant statue in my honour or else).

Arriving in London, it seemed pretty obvious that we weren’t going to win a damn thing. Why would we? We’re not even a serious celebrity blog. We hate celebrities. We suspect that our rivals in the field of ‘Celeb’ rather enjoy the whereabouts of Kim Kardashian or the size of Lee Ryan’s glute implant or whatever it is they all write about.

We wouldn’t know. We don’t read celebrity blogs. We can’t even read or write at all.

And so, arriving in some nightclub in Mayfair, a place that makes anyone with any semblance of self-awareness feel like crying, Team Spray arrived for a night a disappointment, other bloggers ignoring us and, most importantly, a free bar to thoroughly exploit.

The latter part, I figured, was the best way of gleaning some kind of reward for writing and editing the site. We definitely weren’t going to win an award by a magazine that promotes shoes and blow-jobs, were we?

Mercifully, former Team Sprayer Chris Laverty (nominated for his actually very good blog, Clothes On Film) was in attendance, which meant that sarcasm was represented in the face of all that… fashion. So while dressed like something from a ’70s sitcom, we proceeded to ignore the nail bar, make-up stand and the trillions of young women all running around with their SLR cameras and ozone puking amounts of hairspray.

Of course, this being a swish thing, there was incredibly tiny food to be eaten. And no, I have absolutely no idea what that is in my hand in the picture above. Did I eat it? Yes. With a Lemsip MAX STRENGTH CAPSULE and booze to fend off some dreadfully vague illness I’ve got? Yes.

And then, at some point, Cosmo made a terrible, terrible mistake and called hecklerspray out as the winners of Best Celeb Blog.

As you can see from this OFFICIAL PHOTO TAKEN BY THE COSMO PEOPLE WHILE I WAS ON-STAGE (that’s the best credit we can all hope for at the moment), I didn’t exactly do a nice pose like all the fashionable young women when they won. In fact, the variety of poses thrown invariably left me looking like a three legged giraffe being kicked down a wishing well.

At least the people in the background thought it was funny. Not sure about the embarrassed laugh that emitted from the darkness that greeted you when vainly trying to look out to the crowd from the podium. It was pitying wasn’t it? God, they all hated me.

Then there was a thing  which said Cosmopolitan all over it, which I posed for with my award. Later, I would have a similar experience with a camera crew who interviewed me with a TV camera set-up and it was obvious they weren’t prepared for a slightly drunk Northern idiot with a hacking cough slagging off all his writers, readers and such.

Here’s a closer look at the award itself. On the back, written in thick black permanent marker, someone had written “BRING BACK STU HERITAGE” which was nice.

Either way, the whole thing was incredibly awkward for the socially inept ‘sprayer, finding himself with gregarious would-be starlets, all resentful of the fact that a lumpen gimp in a bad corduroy jacket with a stain down the front had managed to win Best Celeb Blog.

Then we broke the live hashtag feed wall thingy.

And it’s partly because of you that this happened. And partly because we’re so obviously amazing. Someone, somewhere in the Cosmo office is actually going to ’round to reading the site and realise what a dreadful mistake handing us an award really is.

Sorry.

Mof (now entitled to a free pair of ladies shoes from a website as prize for winning)

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Never let it be said that winning an award makes us more professional. We were out getting stinking drunk last night to celebrate our Cosmo Blog Award win and, quite frankly, we don’t appreciate you enough to muster any words until lunchtime. We’re sorry. It’s just that all this “success” has gone to our heads.

Fine. It’s all a gag. See you in an hour.