Is it possible that there’s a direct correlation between Readers’ Letters going into hibernation for a couple of weeks and you lot losing your minds?
It certainly seems that way to us. This week has been a bumper Christmas annual of bad form and spirit crushing idiocy and we have you to thank for it. Yes, you the reader. You’re scum and we love it.
Gird your loins, it’s time for a trawl through the foetid hecklerspray post bag.
We toil away, day after day writing some of the most libellous nonsense on the internet and all you have to say is “Ha.” or “Good work.” or maybe the occasional, “Yes, I agree with your pathological dislike of digestive biscuits”.
This week has seen our foetid pouch of correspondence whimper under the sheer weight of your tiresome opinions. Not once did we read something that truly shocked us and not once did we cry out with joy at someone’s obsessive missive. That being said, we have to make a feature out of it so here’s us over-reacting to your comments.
Like Chris Brown in a boxing gym, we’re not surprised to see that you’ve come back for more.
Of course, the outraged backlash against our good pal Breezy has seen #TeamBreezy go into remission, hiding around the corner, waiting to spread into our lymph nodes as soon as we let our guard down. That’s not to say that Chris Brown and his sycophantic legion of slack-jawed domestic abuse apologists are a cancer of the world of entertainment. That would be potentially libellous.
Every week it’s the same, nothing ever really changes. We come into the hecklerspray bedsit on a Monday morning, having been released to poison the outside world over the weekend, and find the same stinking pizza boxes, the same drained bottles of methylated spirits and the same greasy, ignominious faces staring at us across the room.
Our ‘colleagues’ as we laughingly refer to them are actually lawyers who, down on their luck after losing a Tax Evasion case, have rented out the far corner of the bedsit which is sometimes known as “The Fred West Wing”. They look ill. Lawyers always look ill.
Perhaps it’s the smell which is putting them off their writs. The festering stench of the opposite corner, marked out by a laminated card which- in odious Comic Sans- reads “POST”. It’s enough to make anyone sick to their stomach.
A couple of weeks ago we asked you to vote on which of our regular ‘best of the web’ features would survive and live to fight on through the murky world of the World Wide Web.
It was a tough fight and some things were said which neither competitor is particularly proud of but we do have a winner. From this Wednesday, your ‘best of the web’ feature will be…
It’s Friday and the hecklerspray bedsit has breathed a collective sigh of relief as they’re allowed out into the world to live among functioning humans for a couple of days. Unfortunately, I’m still here as there are Readers’ Letters to be analysed. Still, it’s nice to have a bit of peace and quiet to work. No Mof Gimmers shouting about codpieces, no Sophie Hall shouting at Kris Wood for making a reclining chair out of sausage and no Euan L Davidson, breathing heavily in my ear.
Yes folks, Fridays are the nicest time to be in the bedsit. It’s easier to sit in “the clean chair” and the stale stench of discarded cigarettes and methylated spirits is beginning to lift. Unfortunately, that means that the foetid stench of the hecklerspray post bag is coming through loud and clear.
Sat there in your ostentatious Ivory Towers looking down on us in our hecklerspray hovel as we scrap around trying to pick a living from the meagre bones of underweight celebrities. You sit in judgement of us like a Feudal Lord views his peasants with seeming omniscience.
You sit there with your lucky dip box at the ready, it loaded with randomly generated insults and put-downs designed to make us feel like the lowest of the low, like the dog dirt on the shoe of the internet, like Tim Westwood. Your words are designed to cut, to hurt but are said with the best interests at heart. You want to protect your favourite celebrity because you know- deep down- that they’re too disinterested or stupid to defend themselves.
It’s that time of the week where you’d usually be reading hecklerspray’s look at the best that the whole wide internet has to offer. This week it’s different. This week things are going to get real.
You see, at hecklerspray, we value your feedback. Given that 90% of the time “your feedback” is to aggressively wish death upon us, we’ve grown used to ignoring it and making snide remarks about your sexual profligacy while we hide in the bedsit, cocooned in our wrap-around Virtual Boy-style monitors.
That doesn’t mean we don’t care! That’s why we’re giving you the opportunity to change the way we do things. Do you want to see Webthump brought back from the dead to gnaw at your forgotten corpses with its sharpened teeth of internet funnies or do you want to see The Tumblr Trawler, the most recent incumbent, stay on in its stead.
The winner gets to become our regular Wednesday feature, winning the adoration and respect of every hecklerspray staff member and reader in the process while the loser will be cast down into the fiery pit of heckler Hell with the likes of ‘Celebrity Astronime Domini‘, ‘Creased or Folded?‘ & the long-forgotten ‘Myspace Trawl‘.
The tension is palpable, the consequences undeniable and this needless tension building is only serving to ramp up your fevered excitement at getting to click a button. Look at you. You’re sweating. Calm down.
The choice is yours, dear reader. Change your shirt.
Well, knock us down with a feather. It must be that time of the week again. The time when we force our hands into the stinking, wretched filth that comes into the hecklerspray mailbox. To give you an idea of what our mailbag actually resembles, allow us to paint you a picture. With words. Imagine taking [...]
Every week, hecklerspray is inundated with people who have opinions about us, our lives, our right to do the job we do and the celebrities that we take the piss out of. It’s always delightful to sit and sift through page after page of people telling us that we should be killed or have various [...]
You’re stunningly dull sometimes, readers.
Readers’ Letters: “The Blind Leading The Blind” Or “The Passion Of The Trite”
by Michael Park on March 23, 2012 3 Comments
It certainly seems that way to us. This week has been a bumper Christmas annual of bad form and spirit crushing idiocy and we have you to thank for it. Yes, you the reader. You’re scum and we love it.
Gird your loins, it’s time for a trawl through the foetid hecklerspray post bag.
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