Well hecklerspray has heard enough. We haven't been this angry since Paris Hilton first crammed her dog into a handbag, or since some suspiciously-minded people in a helicopter said they saw a Neverland Ranch giraffe snorkeling about in its own blood pool. Or something like that.
There've been reports – horrible reports – that someone on the set of Cate Blanchett's new movie The Golden Age is getting slap happy with a Zebra. Slap happy means hitting. Someone was hitting a zebra.
And right in its zebra head no less.
Eye-witness reports on the set of a really dull sounding movie have it there's been some animal abuse – with a victimised zebra, to be specific. A woman who we know is probably an extra on the film, but didn't want to be named, said:
"The zebra was very distressed, it was breathing heavily and its feet were clattering all over the place… I was told it was a female and quite old, and it was punched in the head quite hard a number of times. It was just unnecessary."
The witness then called in the RSPCA. The case is currently under investigation.
Suddenly, an animal stands in need of real saving, and doing so won't even put any Eskimos out of work. Whose gonna do it? The McCartneys? No – they're too busy making sexy German books twelve years ago and being adamant about nobody gold-digging.
Surely some celebrity will step up to this sadistic plate – Pamela Anderson maybe. Nope – she's too busy doing whatever it is she's been doing lately. We're actually not sure what that is. We lost track after VIP.
hecklerspray is, like, super serious that this animal finds justice. Let's track down that fist-forming evil doer, line him up behind the Zebra, then tickle its nethers with a feather duster. Sure, a swift horse-kick like that sounds harsh, but surely it's necessary. If we don't end animal abuse now, when will we?
Never punch a zebra, that's a flag we've always rallied behind. Unless the animal deserves it that is – which this one may have – according to the latest news from a completely unreliable source whose intel we're never in the mood to corroborate. According to him, the high falootin' zebra had the nerve to not let anyone ever ride it, and it usually eats without saying any kind of grace. Not only that, Old lady Zebra totally browned a turkey that innocently waddled underneath her primary blow-hole – it pooped right on a turkey! C'mon! People eat those!
Now, if this mule-like monstrosity was so 'determined' to be born a zebra, it better darn sure start acting like one! That means free rides for all non-horses, expressing thanks and gratitude without being asked, and sensually eating multi-coloured sugar cubes off the quivering throats of any British entertainment blog that happens to like that kind of thing. Blogs like that make us sick. Ahem.
Read more:
Cate Blanchett New Film Facing Zebra Abuse Scandal – Starpulse
[story by Shawn Lindseth]