Today is a big day for Carrie Prejean. Today Donald Trump decides if she’s allowed to keep her Miss California crown.

If Carrie Prejean remains Miss California, reaction will be mixed. Gay marriage campaigners will obviously see it as a slap in the face. Similarly, it’ll be brilliant news for any other pretty bigots with beauty queen aspirations. No longer will an intolerance for black people or a desire to punch all animals in the face stand between them and very minor fame.

But if Carrie Prejean does go, the pageant directors have lined up a handy-dandy Plan-B alternative.

It’s a well-established fact that a community cannot exist without a beauty queen. Deprive people of their right to be patronisingly waved at by a furiously stupid young woman in a sash sitting on a chair on a slowly-moving flatbed trailer once a year and they’ll end up rioting. Look at Africa – all that starvation and pestilence and stuff only started when beauty queen were abolished.

And that’s why California is in such a panic over Carrie Prejean. The reigning Miss California, Carrie Prejean has ruffled feathers on two fronts. First, she made a regrettable statement about how much gay people make her want to vomit into a bucket – we’re paraphrasing – and then starred in a series of commercials to reinforce the point. Secondly she’s been snapped in a series of increasingly-risque photographs to which the only natural conclusion is a shot of her literally turned inside out at the vagina with an animal dry-humping one of her legs.

Both of these are apparently against the rules of the Miss California competition, which is why Donald Trump plans to hold a press conference later today to tell the world whether Carrie Prejean gets to keep her title or not.

And, right now, nobody knows. On one hand Donald Trump has a history of forgiving wayward beauty queens – like he did when Tara Conner was outed as a drug-addled nymphomanic – but, then again, the Miss California pageant directors have already lined up an alternative, which can’t be good news. USA Today reports:

Keith Lewis and Shanna Moakler, have appointed first runner-up Tami Farrell as “our official Beauty of California ambassador.” Lewis and Moakler have objected to Prejean’s signing on to the National Organization for Marriage’s lobbying team and to Prejean’s failure to acknowledge the topless photos. “For us, the severity of nudity is not the issue,” said Moakler. “The fact that she entered the contest under false pretense is.”

If Tami Farrell does get a promotion to Miss California later today, let’s hope that the directors made a better choice. Because, yes, Carrie Prejean might be a stupid beauty queen, but in truth she probably isn’t stupid enough. Fingers crossed that Tami Farrell is so stupid that she’s forgotten how to use the basic motor functions that allow her to speak. Because if she has, it’d probably save a lot of headaches.

However, if Carrie Prejean is ditched as Miss California, all sorts of people will be up in arms about the erosion of her right to free speech. And to those people we say wait until Carrie Prejean inevitably publishes 15 volumes of her autobiography, stars in six or seven different reality TV shows and becomes such a fixture in magazines and newspapers that you end up being sick of the sight of her.

So, in short, wait until July.

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