This Carrie Prejean sex tape has put the cat among the pigeons. By ‘cat’ we obviously mean ‘oddly fluorescent bigot’.

And by ‘pigeons’ we mean ’sex tapes’. That’s not a very good analogy, is it? Anyway, it doesn’t matter because Carrie Prejean has finally confirmed the existence of the sex tape that recently scuppered her plan to sue the Miss California organisers for a million dollars.

What’s more, Carrie Prejean says that making the sex tape was the worst mistake of her life. And considering her narrow-minded views on homosexuality, wonky tits, bright orange skin and unnecessarily large hair, that must be one massive mistake. Dirty.

Carrie Prejean’s mouth is always getting her into trouble. Remember what first brought her to your attention? That’s right, it was when Carrie Prejean’s mouth decided to say “I hate the gays!” (we’re paraphrasing) instead of “I want world peace!” at the Miss USA pageant.

Remember what lost her the Miss California gig? That’s right, it was when Carrie Prejean’s mouth told the organisers “You can’t control me!” (we’re paraphrasing) instead of agreeing to smile and wave at whatever crappy community event they thought could be livened up by the sight of a bored-looking blonde woman smiling and waving.

And remember what stopped her winning a million-dollar unfair dismissal payout from the organisers? That’s right, it was Carrie Prejean’s mouth again – this time because she said “Yes, I will film myself splaying my genitals for you like some kind of mind-bendingly grotesque spatchcock” (we’re paraphrasing) to an old boyfriend who wanted her to make a sex tape when she was a teenager.

So you’d think that, by now, Carrie Prejean would have learnt to keep her big mouth shut. Especially when it comes to her sex tape. At the moment we’re in a position where we know that the sex tape exists but no website will dare to publish it. This basically means that pretty soon everyone will get bored of waiting to see it and move on, allowing Carrie Prejean to get on with her life. She could hurry this along by keeping a dignified silence on the matter or, if she must, making a single fleeting reference to her shame over it. Anything more would over-complicate it.

So how did Carrie Prejean respond to news of the sex tape on Fox News yesterday? Let’s find out:

“It was the biggest mistake of my life.”

Oh, OK. Good. That showed a surprising amount of restraint. Well done Carrie Prejean, you have pleasantly surprised us. Anyway, so-

“…I was not having sex with anybody, and call it whatever you want to call it.”

Alright, maybe that’s a little more detail than you could have gone into, but we respect your honestly. You weren’t having sex with anyone. It was probably a masturbation video or something. Thanks Carrie. Anyway, so-

“…I was all by myself. I was a teenager at the time.”

OH FOR GOD’S SAKE. Now we’re desperate to see this teenage beauty queen solo muff-diddle video again. Thanks a lot Carrie Prejean, you massive idiot.

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