Cancerous Skin Is Relieved To Be Anderson Cooper-Free
Then buzz it up
March 20th, 2008 at 15:30 by Annette Hyde
If you are a regular reader of the powerful-to-the-45th-degree hecklerspray, you know you can confidently boast to your friends, family, and strange children to whom you offer candy, that you are an expert on crucial current events.
No need to bother with giant news conglomerates reporting on AIDS-ravished nations, terrorism, genocide, and so forth. Obviously, we all agree that it’s more important to know about festering disease growing on the skin famous persons, like the cancerous patch of skin recently removed from the face of CNN’s Anderson Cooper.
We are happy to report that preliminary reports suggest both Cooper and cancer are doing fine and resting peacefully. We hear that Will Smith and his wife Jada have already been to visit the cancerous patch and say it looks just like its father.
We typed in Anderson Cooper into the Google toolbar. The first suggestion that was automatically provided for us was ‘Anderson Cooper gay’. Anderson Cooper is gay, of course. He’s as gay as the day is long. Naturally, we mean gay in the 1950’s-ish happy/elated sense. What did you think we meant??
Anyway, the host of CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360° is the biggest, gayest, most cheerful journalist there is at the moment because the cancerous patch of skin that no one knew was there has been successfully removed, and Anderson Cooper is back to work after a two day absence. He wasn’t even going to tell us about it, but he thankfully explained the whole situation Wednesday on the Anderson Cooper 360° blog:
"I had minor surgery on Monday. A small spot of skin cancer was removed from under my left eye. I hadn't planned on mentioning this, but I still have stitches and you'll no doubt notice them tonight."
In all seriousness, cancer sucks in any form, and it’s good that the cancer doesn’t seem to have spread. Something serious like that always takes a large portion of the fun out of mock-laden prose, but it’s great that Anderson Cooper will be alright.
Hopefully, Brian Williams’ bunionectomy and Katie Couric’s abscess removal will go just as smoothly should they occur, and they will be just as gay as Anderson Cooper, if not gayer.
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March 20th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
***BREAKING NEWS***
Insiders report that Anderson Cooper’s Cancerous Skin has been sighted canoodling with Amy Winehouse’s Impetigo at LA hot spot Villa. Reps for Cooper’s current flame, Lindsay Lohan’s Alcoholism declined to commemt on the alleged tryst.
March 21st, 2008 at 9:27 am
There is no proof Anderson Cooper is gay since he has neither confirmed nor denied the issue. IF Cooper is gay I believe the reason he’s acting as a “Double Agent” is due to the fact he’s a Vanderbilt and is playing coy to protect his family’s name. I think this comment on him is right, viewed at ＊＊＊bimingle.com*** . No he has not come out to whole world and said in his own words “I am Gay or Bisexual” not making a public announcement doesn’t automatically nullify your alledged homosexuality or make you default straight.
March 21st, 2008 at 2:19 pm
AH - I’m sorry but this article misses the crucial point:
is the cancer gay? The public is owed an explanation for
this calculated ‘oversight’.
March 22nd, 2008 at 3:44 am
Cancer has not made a statement on its sexuality, and hopefully its silence doesn’t inspire some dumb cunt with an agenda to make another awkwardly-worded, opaque, DUMB AS FUCKING SHIT (YES IM TALKING TO YOU TARA) post here. Or anywhere else. In fact, tarabisexualstupidbitch, maybe you could just follow in Heath Ledger’s footsteps.
March 22nd, 2008 at 10:38 pm
I apologize, euclid. I deliberately omitted the question of if the cancer was gay because Amy Winehouse’s impetigo is a Kennedy and is protecting the infectious family name. The news of them canoodling could cause quite the brouhaha.
March 23rd, 2008 at 1:38 am
Ah yes, I see. But with Doherty’s omnisexual Sedgwick pimples
running rampant about town, which makes him a right and
true fuckface to my reckoning, no one is safe, save the stick-
figure Moss, who, covered in same, is by all rights inured
and thereby immune from the ravenous lascivious appetites
of the wayward carbuncle.