Good news if you’re the kind of person who still likes Madonna! Somebody’s now selling a 4″ x 6″ square of her skin stretched over a small wooden frame. We’ve heard there are several moles vaguely formed in the shape of the big dipper, and if you follow the image, navigationally speaking, you’ll eventually wind up in the Americas.

We’ve also heard it originally came detached in the teeth of a rabid goat seven hours into a Kabbalah desert-tent ceremony.

That, or bunches of faxed love notes and boring telephone messages she delivered years ago are going up for auction.

Years ago Madonna had people who loved her – and we mean really loved her. Most of them we assume were bankers and the deaf. We’d give you a list of exactly who loved her but none of them have ever wanted their names publicly released for fear they’d be excommunicated from one church or another.

Not Jim Albright though – he wasn’t ashamed of his feelings for her. You see, until her he was best known for being born on a river bank from the swollen bum of a hippo. Can you imagine living with that? Luckily the tabloids were far more interested in the fact that Madonna was feeding from his jugular every couple hours than they were about him taking his first breath from beneath a giant pile of brown.

Or something like that, anyway. The point being – Albright dated Madonna exclusively at some point in the early nineties. As a result he has several faxed love notes from her and two cassette tapes chock full of smutty messages. The faxed notes read like a Mad Lib, and the love messages had the general theme of one day adopting all of Africa together.

Once again our mind may have hazed the truth lines. We’ll let NBC News relate everything:

“Madonna faxed love letters to her then-boyfriend Jim Albright and left naughty messages on his answering machine in the early 1990s. The messages are on two micro-cassette tapes estimated to sell for up to $40,000.”

So if you want to hear Madonna tell somebody else a long time ago about how those boob-cones really chaffe, and how making love to black religious statues is actually a whole lot of work, then by all means throw in a bid. Might we suggest you start with at least three digits.

For the rest of us though, we’ll just have to content ourselves with buying her one stranded desert-island movie from countless bargain bins. We saw it once for under a dollar.

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