Esquire, the magazine you grab off the supermarket shelf when you want to impress someone, took a big leap down an even bigger well this week when it published its ‘Survey of the Female Species’.
Species? That’s a charmer if ever there was one. Makes you wonder if they included jumbo Vanessa Feltz or that man-haired chick off the Direct Line adverts. What about Lizzie Webb, is she still a woman? We always wondered about (UK Britney) Mutya from the Sugababes too. The mind boggles like a big boggling machine.
Casting semantics aside for a moment, Esquire’s pointless poll did rein in some interesting results. Well, one interesting result. And it certainly wasn’t a surprise.
George Bush, trainee milkman and president of the world’s only lunatic asylum with nuclear weapons, is NOT the sexist man alive.
Back up a second. This is news?
The world’s largest press information agency seem to think so, and they report proper stories about famines and stuff. Perhaps they know something about the next G8 summit that we don’t. Though that wouldn’t be too difficult admittedly.
George Bush then, Time magazine’s ‘Person of the Year’ (what about Eamon Holmes?), is officially not sexy. His childlike mental capacity and wearing of post-lobotomy baseball caps do next to nothing for the women of Australia, the Netherlands or Germany. Clearly all still with their 20/20 vision intact, these ladies chalked Bush up a rating of just 1.4 on the Esquire’s 1-10 ‘sexometer’.
Shockingly, women from Indonesia decided 2.2 would be more appropriate. Specsavers, we propose a new market. America too while you’re on the plane, their lady species gave him a senseless 2.1.
Anyone with more inside their skull than a pickled onion is surely wondering why they should give a second’s thought about how sexy the world thinks George Bush is. He’s not even a celebrity for goodness sake.
It’s quite simple: this simple man is more powerful than God. In a world that would use sex to sell a urinal cake, George Bush is coming out as no more attractive than a week in Malaga. So, when he next starts a war over who called him ‘Brazilian Bush’ in the playground or whatever, we’ve all got to die for someone no women like, nobody at all can understand, and yet everyone apparently votes for?
Makes you wonder if you really could build a rocket to outer space as quick as Wallace and Gromit.
Esquire’s poll did produce some facinating results outside the Bush region. A massive 83% of Italian women said they preferred sex to cuddling (one for the stag night), while Swedish women claimed it would take exactly, and we mean exactly, 4.4 dates to get them into the sack. Don’t lots of supermodels come from Sweden? Worth a few Big Mac’s and a trip to Blockbuster then. Maybe the ‘.4’ refers to a free cab ride home. Try it and see.
All this blatantly wasted bandwidth leaves hecklerspray to conclude two things. One, Esquire still looks like a classier option than the ‘porn special’ edition of Front. Two, a copy of Max Power would be better than them both. At least there are no words on the page to distract you.
Best way to meet your new partner? Poker. Hands down. If he or she likes to gamble they’ll gladly overlook your mountain of problems the next time the gas bill drops through the door. Plus, if guys who play cards are sexy, girls that play cards are Gods.
That’s right Georgie Boy, just like you.
[story by Chris Laverty]
