Warning: Bruno Mars Will Ruin Your Self Esteem

Bruno Mars playing piano.

There comes a point where a piece of technology becomes too advanced and rebels against its creator. In this case, all the pictures and gifs of rain drops falling and girls sitting alone, quotes overtop of them saying things like ?You never cared?no one has? or ?I just want someone who will stay??, formed a consciousness. They broke free of the tumblr and Facebook cover photos that previously bound them and formed a more perfect body; a body that would infiltrate the public on grand level.

?Bruno Mars?.? the machine thought, unable to come up with an actual human name. It was fitting. Because Bruno Mars is actually here to help further ruin the already ruined normal human race.

I don?t think there?s any artist right now who appeals less to me than Bruno Mars. I know that I?m not in the demographic that likes to be told how pretty I am or how much something wants to marry me. I know that I have my emotions in check, so when I hear something like ?I would catch a grenade for ya!!!!!?, I know that that would be a stupid decision, because the girl that?s been described in the song is a flippant harpy. And I know that, most days, I usually feel like doing something. (This is mainly because I?m a freelance writer, and choosing not to work one day is basically saying goodbye to food.)

His songs represent the current contrary emotional state of most teenagers and twenty-somethings, who attempt to diversify and empower themselves, but only over-complicate the emotions that ?no one seems to understand.? ?Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?? is something you can see these teenagers reblogging, because they fucking refuse to reach out to other people when they?re sad, and thus they passively turn to the internet, who, quite frankly, doesn?t give a shit.


I'd rather be the pain that you remember rather than the love that you forget.

Or, better yet, “I’m not very smart, am I?”

They text ex boyfriends and stay in contact with toxic people, because they have no idea, in an age that feeds them consistent, contradicting bullshit, what feelings mean anymore. They don?t use logic and they fuck the morning after a break up, because that?ll help reconnect with their lover for sure! They know that a stove is going to turn their hand into a Burger King commercial, but they leave their palm on the burner, because, despite the burn, they?re afraid to leave it. They?re growing into an age where social retardation is accepted and often praised.

I referred to the song ?Grenade? earlier, which was so popular that deaf people wondered when it was going to leave the Top 40. In the song, Bruno Mars has fallen for a girl who treats him badly. And not just subjectively badly. Obviously badly. Bruno Mars sees this and just can?t help but stay pining after her. Now, everyone has felt this way before. If the people we liked felt the same way about us, then 100% of marriages would have happened a few days after the end of eighth grade. But they don?t. And at a certain point, you realize that it?s harmful and you move on to someone that actually digs you.

People went nuts over this song, those people being the teenagers and twenty-somethings I mentioned two paragraphs ago, and they would help to turn it into a mega-hit. It was a great follow-up to a song that provided an outlet for everyone to get their guilty pleasure of the year out of the way, ?Just The Way You Are.? ?Way You Are? was a success as well, because, not matter how many times people try to make it known just how complex they are, most just want to have someone tell them that they?re perfect and don?t need to do sit ups or get a degree or anything like that.

With these two songs, along with ?Marry You,? which continues the trend set by ?Just The Way You Are?, by appealing to the most lame ass taste in music that one can acquire, Bruno Mars effectively reinforces this stupid societal atmosphere of not knowing anything about our emotions, not being able to control our emotions and thus consistently falling and rising on the highs and lows of love and abuse. But hey, if we could actually provide the stability that we desire ourselves, what would be the point of ?Grenade?? We need that shit to let us know that we?re not okay by any means! And that?s okay!

The album cover for Bruno Mars' "Doo-Wops & Hooligans"

This album contained very few doo-wops and almost no hooligans.

Bruno Mars was also the man behind my least favorite song of all time ?The Lazy Song?, which is made up of ?clever lyrics? in the same way that hot dogs are made up of lettuce. The video is even more oppressively stupid, showcasing the hilarious ?animal masks on dumb dancing folk? that ?hip? artists love so much.

I don?t think that those guys in the masks were even in the casting call for the video, much less were their ape faces a part of the initial list of wardrobe necessities. Instead, Bruno Mars simply asked whatever deity he could for a way to piss off the world, and a few men in Planet of the Apes?s masks walked in, hoping to add something to their resumes.

His latest single, ?It Will Rain? isn?t as oppressive as ?The Lazy Song,? but we don?t judge Hitler by putting him beside Megatron. ?I?ll never be your mother?s favorite!? Bruno Mars sings, and we know that he?s waist deep in another song about relationships that shouldn?t happen but will, because, in the age of now, we?re too inept to know the difference between helping and hurting ourselves. And we?ll sing along, and tweet a piece of the lyrics, just so the person we?re obsessed with has the chance to see it, and then will maybe understand all the things that we?re too cowardly to explain in the first place.

A bracelet made with a razor.

Please, people. Just say how you feel. It makes shit way easier.


  1. niks says

    Grenade might not be the most intelligent song out there, but Just the way you are is a perfectly good song. In a world where Botox and cosmetic surgeries are the norm, girls need to understand that they don’t need to change in order to please someone. Its a sad thing that some people can’t see that. Well I hope you go to your appointment on time.

  2. mars says

    I think who ever wrote this is totally worng about everythinggg..
    Bruno mars wont and doesnt ruin anyones self esteem..
    if anything he gives his fans self esttem..
    you obviously have no idea what your talking about!!

  3. Maeci says

    Dear to whomever wrote this horrible post about Bruno Mars,
    Have you ever heard of finding a meaning to songs? You kinda need to honey. “Grenade” and “Just The Way You Are” have very good meanings to them. I suggest you look the meanings up. I know some people that have loved there self more and people that has even stopped cutting by getting inspired by Bruno and “Just The Way You Are.” Which has helped with self esteem. He is a very inspirational man. You shouldn’t say stuff about people until you really get to know him. Don’t defame him by this horrible article, which isn’t true at all.

  4. gesile says

    this is insane.how come you only seen Bruno mars and targetted him negatively.yhis writer is full of jealousy and bigotry…

  5. Mayra says

    Well, I guess the Grammys people really liked his music, nominating him like 13 times and all that. And if you don’t like the Lazy Song, you have no fun at all. That is like the basic Lazy Ass mood that EVERYONE feels at one time or another in their lives.

    I won’t try to make you like him because I don’t care about your preferences (obviously, you didn’t care about Bruno fans), but just so you know, he’s one of the few artists out there that actually glorifies women in his songs. Just the Way You Are and Nothin’ on You prove that.

  6. Jenlove says

    Whoever wrote this article is obviously boring, ugly, jealous and horrible in bed. You probably don’t know how to romance a lover. Bruno is one of the only artist nowadays that shows respect for women in this world that is warped by bad Music and TV. He brings generations together with his music. I see why you are a freelance writer. Just like you think Bruno sucks. You Suck! Find a new job.

  7. Gunnar says

    Wow, people. You’re all focusing on him bashing Bruno for the quality of his music, but the whole point of this article is to point out how stupid our generation has become. You’re only proving him right. On a side note – to the poster named Mars – what are you, 13? Only little kids put the same letter at the end of words 300 times. Cut that shit out, we’re not your texting buddies.. (Talking about the word “everythinGGGGGGG”)