In his 20 some-odd year career Bruce Willis has saved us from meteors, ghosts, terrorists, Brad Pitts' monkeys, evil parole officers and, most recently, Halle Berry in that movie where she's the DNA-spliced leader of a pack of hungry computer-savvy raptors. Wait, is Jurassic 4 out  yet?

Regardless – evil like that, the kind that only Bruce Willis can save us from – it isn't just restricted to the silver screen. No, that kind of awfulness seeps out onto the general populace contaminating everything, and in this case probably making it really sticky. That's right, we're talking about the new wave of celebrity girls letting everyone see their fuzzy tacos.

The Spears/Lohan/Hilton fad is particularly harmful when the photographer is armed with a high-powered, real-quality camera – the type that dedicates several pixels to capturing the spore-by-spore yeasty gangrene the three of them may or may not have going on down there.

Well gosh darn-it, Bruce Willis has had enough of all this vagina-flapping, and now he's gonna save us all from that too. With several sentences of very angry dialogue.

Because you demand it, over the months hecklerspray has thoroughly documented the whorish behaviour of two ugly celebrities and one gigantic two-legged pig. Together, the three of them have elegantly exited limousines so-as to let their muffs breathe next to camera lenses no less than 10,000 times. You remember, Britney did it, Lindsay did it, and we think Paris did it too, but the weird sulfur smell knocked out any would-be witnesses.

Well even if you don't remember – Bruce Willis does, and he is overrun with emotion on the topic. Partly because such lewd behaviour on the part of such recent children has swept more news-worthy idols like himself under the rug. Bruno explains:

"They're not writing about guys my age much anymore, unless I do something naughty. They're writing about the kids. That's what drives pop culture now. Anything goes, to the point where it's OK for young pop stars or film stars to show photos of their naked vaginas in a magazine. If this is it then it's over man, it's the fucking fall of Rome."

Yes, well, to be honest and straightforward Bruce, there are many theories on why Rome fell, but historians generally don't accept Paris Hilton's whoopi as even being in the ball park. Yes, more valid theory states the Roman Empire succumbed to barbarian invasions because of a loss of civic virtue among its citizens. They had become lazy and soft, outsourcing their duties to defend their Empire to barbarian mercenaries, who then became so numerous and ingrained that they were able to take over the Empire. Romans had become effeminate, unwilling to live a tougher, "manly" military lifestyle.

In addition Christianity created a belief that a better life existed after death. This fostered indifference to this life among Roman citizens, thus sapping their desire to sacrifice for the Empire. It's believed this comparative pacifism tended to sap the traditional Roman martial spirit.

A final theory states the Romans collapsed because they were all robots and they rusted wicked bad. hecklerspray tends to side with this last theory. Probably because it's the only one we didn't just steal directly from Wikipedia.

If it was good enough for college faculty, it's good enough for you.

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Bruce Willis: I Hate Fanny Flashers – Now