Bruce Willis is Justin Timberlake’s Father!

Gotta blink twice for that one, eh?

It is true, in a manner of speaking. Apparently big badass baldie Bruce liked working with J. Timberlake so much on their upcoming film Alpha Dog he’s decided to slap him up front in his next movie.

The hotly unawaited Die Hard 4 (or 4.0 ‘cos it’s got something to do with computers) marks Bruce Willis’ arthritic return as bionic policeman John McLaine.

Being as Bruce is considerably further up the movie trough than in 1988 when he made the first Die Hard, he gets more than ‘just a say’ in casting. Which is where Timberlake comes in, busting moves, being black and doin’ the acting thang. 

Willis is said to be pushing for Justin to play his son in this new Die Hard extravaganza. A thoroughly sensible choice. They’re both male and they both shave their heads. Bruce because he’s already balder than Mo Mowlem and Justin because his hair’s curlier than his pubes.

If Timbers gets the part he’ll replace first choice Ben Affleck, a now desperate man who needs a hit badder than Pete Doherty. With anamatronic humanoid Jessica Simpson also slated to join the McClaine’s as Bruce’s daughter, Die Hard 4.0 is already starting to sound a tad gangrenous. 

Though to be fair, the same fears were levied at Die Hard With a Vengeance and that turned out okay-ish. Then again that didn’t run the risk of having its title theme sung by a pretty fly white guy with a stomach like a ribbed condom.

“Die Hard 4, oh yeah! Feel me baby, it’s just McLaine. Do, do, do, do – yeah!”

hecklerspray reminds everyone involved that there are rules that apply. Codes to be followed. And as for you, Mr. Willis. You’re only as good as your last film, remember that. Hostage just ain’t gonna cut it, boy.

Unless you want Striking Distance released on a two-disc special edition DVD, this time you better listen to the man, Bruce.

Call yourself a Die Hard fan? Not until you own this

[story by Chris Laverty]