It’s always good to have a chance to slap down a young, upstart colony.
So we’ve let the US have their few hundred years of fun, with their constitution and their hamburgers and their total monopoly over low and high culture internationally, but this? Pretending they’re interested enough in football to not only cobble together a World Cup team but then – the audacity – not capitulate immediately to a 10-0 tonking at their masters’ hands? How incredibly dare they.
“Something must be done,” muttered the nation as Robert Green sullenly plucked the ball from the net and our inferior American cousins whooped and hollered as if they had any comprehension of what had just occurred. But good old Great British justice was swift. The US had wronged us, and they must pay. And there’s only one punishment fit for this crime:? They must receive unto their shores the grim spectre that is? Piers Morgan.
That’s right! Half-human-half-Jabba oleaginous berk Morgan has, according to The Telegraph, signed a ?5.5 million, four-year deal to take over Larry King‘s long-running chatshow/shamed celebrity confession booth on CNN.
You read right. Four years. That’s four years those Yank scallywags will have to put up with Piers Morgan oozing his fetid charm-slime all over horrified starlets and impassive Congressmen. Four years where his wobbling jowls will self-righteously park themselves in the middle of judging panels on innumerable talent shows, and proceed to quack criticism at dead-eyed singing children and borderline whack-job variety acts. Four years where he will not be here.
Take that, America! Trying to beat us at our own game, are you? Well, we've been making smug bastards since the Crusades and it's time for you to sample our finest wares.
The transfer of a Premier League tossbag like Piers Morgan to the States is the continuation of a fine tradition of British arsehole-exporting. We've successfully removed the Posh Spice irritant from our green and pleasant land, and if we play our cards right, those N-Dubz hooligans will soon be texting death threats exclusively to women called Darleene and Cletusella as they attempt to flog their casual misogyny and funny hats on the sidewalks of the US.
But Piers Morgan is the mother-lode: the H-bomb of rank that will ensure those Merrrcan fiends will start to behave in a manner more befitting a nation that is dangerously close to getting its botty smacked. And if they even think about besting us in a sporting arena again: James Corden is loaded in the torpedo tube ready to launch across the Atlantic, and he's got his belly out.
God help them all.
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Karla says
hahaha….oh no not Piers Morgan! Not another hot British guy, please don’t torture us like that!!!
maggie says
Oh god, we are soooorrryyy! We won’t do it again! Please forgive us! Please take him back! We suffered through Celebrity Apprentice with him, I don’t think we can take much more.
Gabrielle says
You can be sure we will give him the same wonderful treatment we gave Beckham and his snout-nosed wife, Posh something-or-other, who if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, would strongly resemble a zipper.
I haven’t watched a show with Mr. Morgan but if he thinks format is the problem child at CNN, he has a long ,arduous road ahead of him. CNN is well-known in The States as being one of Obama’s bee-yatch networks, the White House’s official water-carrier. Therein lies the problem.
It’ll be fun, though, to watch this pompous ass get said ass handed to him. Instead of Morgan in the role of British Revenge, picture him as the lass tied to the railroad tracks to our Snidely Whiplash.
Heh, heh, heh. Fresh meat. Can’t wait. :-)