Tomorrow is Valentine's day, but don't worry if you've got nobody to share your love with – you can stay indoors and watch The Brits on TV instead; because watching Snow Patrol get given a metal trinket is more or less the same as kissing a girl, right?
This year The Brits are going to be more dangerous than ever. Russell Brand is on hosting duties, the ceremony is being broadcast live for the first time in 18 years and notorious hell-raising anarcopunk death-warrior Corrine Bailey Rae is performing one of her controversial hardline political gangsta gabba emo anthems live. Literally anything could happen! To seize upon the live nature of tomorrow's Brits, Brit Award organisers have decided to let viewers choose the winner of the Best British Single award live via text message. It's a nice idea, and it'd be even nicer if it didn't seem like the nominees were chosen only because they have fans stupid enough to fall for a moronic stunt like this.
The Brit Awards are always the key date in the British music calender. It doesn't matter that The Grammys get more headlines and big draws like the newly reformed Police, because The Brits has, um, Scissor Sisters. And Russell Brand hosting. Well, hopefully hosting – having seen his DVD he might just stand there reading a newspaper out loud instead of telling any actual jokes again.
Last year the big Brits winners were the Kaiser Chiefs. They're not up for anything this year – and judging by their lousy new single will never be up for anything ever again – but instead Lily Allen is this year's Brits darling. But even Lily Allen hasn't managed to get a spot on the just-announced Best British Single shortlist this year, the quality is literally that high. No, sorry, that was a typo. We meant 'the quality is literally that dreary that every time we hear any of the nominees we try to hang ourselves but the bad music even saps our ability to tie proper knots.'
The Best British Single Brit Award will be voted for live! By you! Or, if not you, then a bunch of people who enjoy nothing more than clapping along to the music on the DFS adverts during Dancing On Ice and don't understand that by texting a premium rate phone number to say they like Will Young they're probably just helping to fund a ponytailed middle-aged record executive's cocaine habit rather than anything else. Anyway, here's the list of nominees for The Brit Awards Best British Single that only cloth-eared bell-ends will actually vote for:
The Feeling – Fill My Little World (We'd like to fill their little world, alright. Fill it with Sarin)
Razorlight – America (Notable only for Johnny Borrell's "oh-oh oh" noise that makes him sound like a Teletubby who's just realised he's over-filled the toilet with paper and now it's overflowing)
Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars (If Snow Patrol were chasing our car, we'd slam it in reverse and smash the fuckers into liquid)
Take That – Patience (Basically a Gary Barlow solo single that people only bought because Jason Orange quietly goes "aaah" in the background three times)
Will Young – All Time Love (Where's that rope…?)
The Brit Awards Best British Single Live-Vote For Stupid People Who Will Probably Make One Of These Songs Their First Dance At Their Effing Wedding Reception One Day takes place tomorrow, which coincidentally is the same time we'll be punching our sofa in anger and crying a lot.