What we like most about the new administration doesn’t have to do with change, but that our 20-year-old petition for a Lando Calrissian Star Wars spin-off may finally get some White House backing.

Seriously, our script has been yellowing in our closet. Lucas doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it – he must be racist. Why else would he refuse our package at the door? Over 100 times?

Speaking of overly long hand-crafted literature that nobody except George Lucas should have to read – Britney Spears has just agreed to write her autobiography. Sorry, up to five autobiographies.

It wasn’t so long ago that Lynne Spears, fleshy-incubator of Britney, wrote a tell-all book about mothering or something. The first chapter alone included bits about how Brit-Brit breastfed well into the eighth grade, and that Jamie Lynn‘s baby was strictly the result of her losing control of her wheelies and rolling awkwardly into a pond where three horny alligators had only just been.

Well that’s how the book would have read had our first ghost-written copy been approved by all the necessary parties.

It wasn’t.

Those Spears’ though, they must have book writing in the blood. We’ll use this chunk from The Mirror to prove our point:

Our source reveals: “There have been numerous unofficial biographies printed about Britney, but she’s never agreed to pen her own tome – until now.” And some of the stories she’s got are absolute dynamite. She’s kept diaries so there’s nothing she’ll leave out unless she wants to. “If the deal goes ahead she will write between three and five books throughout the next decade – it’s one of the most lucrative book deals in showbiz history.”

Now when you started reading this article we have no doubt you thought to yourself – ‘Britney’s writing a book? But she’s lived so much, how can one novel possibly contain it all?’ And your answer there is, as already stated in the above quote, she’s gonna stretch it over the course of at least three books. Sound like a series to challenge Narnia itself. And the Encyclopedia Brittanica.

One of the few things we may already know about the Spears books so far is that when they’re inevitably made into a movie, Spears absolutely insists the part of her be played by Daniel Radcliffe. She really likes what he’s done with the Potter franchise. We’ve heard she’s already mailed him her red Martian jumpsuit to make sure it fits, which incidentally it does.

Now, granted, at this point book #1 is in a pretty early, non-written stage. However, through hecklerspray’s amazing ability to know all things as they were, as they are and as they’ve yet to be, we have some excerpts for you

Excerpt one:

“I studied the finger nails. I looked closer and wondered if those cuticles could possibly be as full of tape worms as they looked. So wriggly, so alive. Then Kevin finished his dance, and I knew I would love him.”

Excerpt two:

“I looked at my mother. I was scared – did she know what I’d done? Should I confess before she finds out? Yes – yes of course I should. So with the pony’s blood dripping down my teeth & cheeks I said “Momma, I been bad.”

Excerpt three:

“…me! They wanted me to be dungeon master! Nervously, I picked up the dice…”

That last bit actually bleeds over into book two. You should definitely buy it.

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