Britney Spears is in way deeper than any of us thought – not only has Britney Spears lost custody of her children to Kevin Federline of all people, but yesterday it transpired that Britney Spears lost custody to Kevin Federline in an eye patch.
Yesterday saw Britney Spears try – and fail – to regain custody of her two children from Kevin Federline, although she was granted limited monitored visitation rights at the hearing. But screw all that, because Kevin Federline showed up to court wearing an eye patch. Nobody knows why Kevin Federline was wearing an eye patch, but we suspect it's part of his plan to keep undermining Britney Spears mothering capabilities. Not only is Kevin Federline a better provider for his kids than Britney Spears despite not having a proper job, he's saying, but he's even better parent without the aid of depth perception too. Next time: Kevin Federline severs his windpipe to prove that he's even a better parent when kosher. Hopefully.
Memo to self: never end articles about Britney Spears with anything along the lines of 'at least this is as bad as things can get for Britney Spears' because things will invariably get worse within minutes and you'll look like a fool. Things got worse after Britney Spears shaved her head, things got worse after Britney Spears tried to kill herself, things got worse after Britney Spears did her shit-streaked photo shoot and things refuse to stop getting worse in Britney Spears' child custody case.
It's well-known by now that Britney Spears lost custody of her kids to Kevin Federline this week, after it was revealed that she was a 'habitual and continuous' drug user with a stinky bum who couldn't stop partying even though she knew she risked losing her kids. But, although Britney Spears is trying to put a bravely suntanned face on things, it must really hurt to know that she isn't even as good at being a parent as Kevin Federline. Worse still, at another child custody hearing yesterday, Britney Spears discovered that she isn't as good as looking after children as Kevin Federline when it's obvious that Kevin Federline has trouble looking after both of his own eyes at the same time. People reports:
Kevin Federline retains custody of his two sons for now, but Britney Spears gets monitored visitation, a judge ordered Wednesday. The temporary arrangement was decided at a three-hour closed-door court session attended by Federline, who was wearing an eye patch because, his lawyer says, "His eye was sore." No further explanation was given. Spears did not attend. The new custody arrangement stays in effect until the next hearing, scheduled for Oct. 26 – and both Federline and Spears will be required to attend, says court rep Allan Parachini.
Lord alone knows what compelled Kevin Federline to don his eye patch for court yesterday – presumably he figured that he'd stand less chance of keeping his children if he went as a normal person with a slightly sore eye than as the world's stupidest pirate. But let's not cast aspersions on the criminal mastermind behind the Playing With Fire show giveaway and the still-unreleased Kevin Federline-starring Kevin Federline biopic, because the eye patch seemed to work – Kevin still has custody of the children, remember.
In fact, maybe playing for pity is something Britney Spears should do if she wants to take this custody fight seriously. And don't forget that Britney has the perfect sympathy-gathering weapon ever in her armoury – if she can turn up to court on October 26 and mime to Gimme More with the same dead-eyed confused look on her face as she managed at the MTV VMA awards, we're almost positive that the court will feel so sorry for Britney Spears that she'll win back custody easily.
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Harry Potter says
The eyepatch is surely so that both of them can see the kids in a “limited monitored” capacity.
Ahahah. I’m so funny.
euclid says
The Truth isn’t always pretty. In this case, I know, I was there.
The lads were well along in the festivities when KF put the kids
to bed, or at least down on the coffee table, and somebody
having trouble loading the pipe made a joke about how Apple should
develop more useful products, like an iBong. KF, ever quick
to make an incisive pun, then proceeded
to demonstrate for everyone an Eye Bong.
After the screaming stopped the kids were crying like
some kind of mutant pop-star Borg alarm system, and
the party busted up because it was all a bit much
to take. Let this be a lesson to concerned parents
everywhere: Eye Bongs are no joke! You can
seriously waste a lot of good herb and mess up
your eye, assuming you even have an eye,
of course.
Smoodge the Naked says
Arrr, I surely be the better parent than this scurvy skank, arrrr.