Britney Spears Not Pregnant, Just Fat From Gobbling Brain Pills

You may have been aware of rumours suggesting that Britney Spears had somehow managed to get pregnant.

Well, relax, because apparently she isn’t. True, Britney Spears might have a bit of a belly on her at the moment, but Britney says it’s just her bipolar medication bloating her stomach out.

But that’s the thing with psychiatric brain medication, isn’t it? Full of carbs. If only Britney Spears was diagnosed with another illness - like some kind of horrific wasting disease or the Ebola virus - instead of bipolar disorder, then they’d be lovely and happy and thin as a rake. No wonder she’s so mental.

As much as we hate to agree with Tom Cruise about anything, maybe in retrospect he did have something of a point about psychiatric medication that time. It doesn’t help anyone.

Look at Britney Spears for example - she’s apparently bipolar and on anti-psychotic pills because she gets so terribly sad all the time. So she takes the pills and stops being sad, but then they bloat out her stomach and make her sad again, so she takes more pills. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy. Britney Spears may as well just buy a single hard-to-digest anti-psychotic pill, swallow it, wait a day, fish it out of her bum with her fingers, give it a quick rinse and then swallow it again, because at least that way she’d save a bit of money.

Anyway, the point of all this - if you hadn’t guessed - is that the bloating from Britney Spears’ medication is making people think she’s pregnant, which she says she isn’t. We did have an auxiliary point about Britney Spears eating shitty medicine out of her own arse, but even we forgot where we were going with it, so we’ll move on. According to The Daily Mail:

Britney Spears has denied that she is pregnant with her third child and says that her bloated tummy is simply down to new medication she is taking. The singer spoke out after pictures after pictures published this week showed the star smoking a cigarette with a suspiciously bloated stomach. A source close to the family says that Britney has been struggling with her weight ever since she had her second son Jayden James, 20 months, and the medication has not helped.

Of course Britney Spears isn’t pregnant. Ever since her father became her legal conservator, Britney has barely been allowed to go to the toilet by herself, let alone slip off and have full unprotected sexual intercourse with a human male.

Although, if Britney Spears did somehow manage to get herself pregnant, it’d be interesting to see what the courts made of it. After all, currently Britney Spears isn’t allowed full access to her kids, so we’d be keen to find out at what point the court commissioner decided to send a robotic claw up Britney’s mimsy to rip the unborn foetus out of her womb and give it to the father to raise. Shame we’ll never find out, really.

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‘I am not pregnant - it is just my medication that makes me bloated’, says Britney - Daily Mail