Britney Spears Isn’t Pregnant For Once In Her Life

Rumours are great, whether they're false - like the one blowing around yesterday about Britney Spears being pregnant; or true - like the one about all hecklerspray writers being so talented and good looking that it makes all the girls cry.

But anyway, back to the false rumours. Yesterday everyone suddenly got very excited over claims made by a raft of American tabloid magazines that Britney Spears was four weeks pregnant and it was true and she'd emailed ultrasound scans to everyone and some bloke nobody's ever heard of was the father. However, even though it's an unmitigated fact that having yet another screaming redneck child would single-handedly solve all of her current problems, Britney Spears has blasted the reports as "B.S". And, as we all know, "B.S" either stands for "Bloody Sertain" or "Baby! Shaboom!" so it's definitely a fact that Britney Spears is definitely 100% pregnant. Congratulations, Britney!

If you look at Britney Spears' life, you can divide it neatly into two parts. There was pre-baby Britney, where Britney Spears was a million-selling pop virgin with apple-pie good looks and a booty that made men of a certain age feel slightly uncomfortable with themselves, and then there's post-baby Britney.

As if you needed telling, post-baby Britney is the Britney Spears who shaves her head, pukes up, attacks cars, collapses, has lesbian romps in swimming pools, convinces herself that she's the devil to such an extent that she tries to kill herself and babbles in made-up languages. It's this behaviour that explains why, when told of yesterday's reports that Britney Spears was pregnant for a third time, most normal people clasped their hands to their mouths in horror and shed a solitary tear for the future of all humanity.

According to reports in the likes of Us Weekly and In Touch Weekly yesterday, Britney Spears is four weeks pregnant with a baby by JR Rotem, a music producer who's made tracks for everyone from 50 Cent to Rihanna to Leona Lewis to, oddly, Kevin Federline. JR Rotem apparently even went as far as confirming these rumours himself according to the magazine reports.

However, eager to spoil the party like she did at the MTV VMAs, Britney Spears has texted Ryan Seacrest to say:

"It's B.S, I don't know who made it up. J.R. doesn't even know what's up. It's fake, completely fake."

So that means it's true, obviously.

But if it isn't true, and Britney Spears hasn't been knocked up again, you'll excuse us for being a little relieved. After all, a court is currently convinced that Britney Spears is already such a terrible mother that she can hardly even see her existing children as it is, much less drive them around. So if Britney Spears did get pregnant again now, her career and personal life would probably be dealt a blow that not even she could recover from.

And that's ignoring the biggest issue here. As a fan of driving with her children balanced precariously on her knee, a third child would complicate things beyond question for Britney Spears. Sean Preston on the left and Jayden James on the right works well enough in theory for now, but a new baby? Why, that'd have to go in the middle. And, since Britney Spears is usually nude in the middle, that poor baby would have to suffer things that no human deserves to suffer.

Read more:

Spears Slams Pregnancy Reports - Daily Dish