Britney Spears: Get Mother Effing Me Off This Mother Effing Plane

The creation of all things started when a cantaloupe hurtling through space smacked a million miles an hour into a dense cloud of evaporated meat - and science doesn't want you to know!

Post-smacking, protozoa latched onto zygotes, atoms embedded themselves in space dust, and a billion years down the line we got Britney Spears. It's the opinion of this website and all of its mothers that the whole reason that cantaloupe existed in the first place was to bring us Spears and her chain-smoking musical ways. She is the apex of humanity, and we'd all be a little better off with a more intense read into her lyrical content. A study group is meeting in the school cafeteria 40 minutes before first period, if you're all as interested as we are.

As the pinnacle of humanity and the purpose of all things, Spears deserves to travel in style. Hence, any plane without leather seats for sitting simply will not do. That's why she recently demanded off a plane that was packed full of people, and made said people awfully late to their connecting flights.

We heard a larger man offered to remove his skin to be stretched over Spears' cloth-seat, but he had been sitting in coach and was way gross.

If you said things haven't been going well for Britney Spears of late, that'd be an understatement. It seems like ages ago she divorced Cap'n Cornrow, and since then she's had countless wonderful experiences - like attempting some sort of suicide, becoming the devil incarnate, miming several musical presentations in the guise of candy and losing her left boob to an internal milk explosion.

That last one didn't have a link because it's not true. What is true though, is that Brits recently demanded in superstar-style that she be let off a plane because she refused to sit on anything non-leather. Not since Madonna has anyone cared about their seating accommodations so passionately. A witness to the strangeness described it:

"It was quite astonishing. The doors had been closed for about ten minutes, everyone was strapped in and the plane was about to taxi to the runway when Britney got up and said she had to get off. She just said 'I don't want to fly on this plane. It hasn't got leather seats.' I heard everything but most people were left wondering what was going on, so the captain was forced to make an apology to all the other passengers over the tannoy."

Well who can say they haven't been there, right? We once refused a sandwich because it'd been kept on a poorly-swept sidewalk for 48 hours. Everybody's got something weird like that, right?

Now before anyone goes getting all mad at Spears, just remember she symbolically welcomed you all into the shelter of her vagina when you needed it most, and she has to push a baby out the general neighbourhood of her stone poop-chute for now and into all eternity. So, you know, just think how ornery you'd be.

Because permanent marble-dilation doesn't feel any better than the regular kind.

Read More:

Just Plane Crazy: Brit Reportedly Begs Off Flight - MSNBC