As Britney Spears’ conservator, Jamie Spears spends most of his days saying “No Britney, don’t lick the plug socket,” and performing on-the-spot knicker checks.

And how much is that worth? What? You think that Jamie Spears should be doing that for free because, as one of the parents who pushed Britney Spears into showbusiness at the expense of a normal childhood, he’s directly responsible for her recent psychiatric problems?

Don’t be daft. Jamie Spears thinks that looking after Britney Spears is worth $16,000 a month - or $75 an hour. Wow, what we’d give for a mentally ill millionaire daughter! Jamie sure is one lucky guy!

We have to admit that Jamie Spears has really turned Britney Spears around this year. Back in January Britney Spears was being sectioned out of concern for the wellbeing of her children, and her songs were all snarling chunks of rebellion aimed in part at her family. But since Jamie Spears became Britney’s conservator, everything’s been hunky dory. Britney Spears is number one again, and all her songs go “MMM papi LOVE you! MMM papi LOVE you!”

Granted, Britney Spears does give off all the signs of being little more than a performing monkey now - and she keeps bursting into tears on camera because she hates her life under her father so much - but at least she’s earning money again. And when Britney earns money, everyone earns money. Especially Jamie Spears.

Although Jamie Spears had previously given himself a $10,000 monthly wage to control Britney Spears’ assets back in March, he’s since decided that he can’t live on a paltry sum like that and has gone to court to get a 60% payrise. And backpay. And an extra $1,200 a month to give himself a swanky office. AP reports:

For helping his daughter through her turbulent period, Jamie Spears on Monday was awarded an additional $51,000 payout. Jamie Spears had been receiving $10,000 a month for his work, but Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Reva Goetz increased that amount to approximately $16,000 per month and agreed to give him backpay.

That’s not too bad at all - $192,000 a year for basically keeping Britney Spears away from the adult scissors. Hey, Britney - if you’re reading this, we’ll do it for $190,000. Plus you’d be allowed to have sex with as many undesirable members of the paparazzi as you like. And you could have the car at weekends. And, just for old time’s sake, we’ll even provide you with one designer dress a month to absent-mindedly smear dogmuck over. Whaddaya say?

Oh, don’t worry about your dad, he’ll be OK for money. Seriously, if he can pull $16,000 a month for looking after your stuff, imagine how loaded he’ll be once he’s convinced a court that he can stop Jamie Lynn from getting any more pregnant liposuction.

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