Britney Spears is in the middle of a perfect storm. Last week Britney Spears destroyed her career, today Britney Spears might lose her children and next week Britney Spears unwittingly raises a zombie army that colonises Earth.

But, hey, let's not get ahead of ourselves, shall we. It's been a week since Britney Spears staggered around the MTV VMA stage with sprayed-on abs miming to her new song like a baby getting its first taste of lemon juice. Back then people said that things couldn't get any worse for her – but that was before a mysterious secret witness decided to come forward in the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody battle with information that could force a judge to wrestle Britney Spears away from Sean Preston and Jayden James literally any minute now. Luckily Britney Spears has her own expert witness to help her out – a startlingly androgynous boy shrieking "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!" in a way that makes you fear for his mental safety.

The recent Britney Spears MTV VMA performance hoo-ha probably made you forget that Britney Spears was in the middle of a hard-fought custody battle with Kevin Federline – although then again, if you're like us, the recent Britney Spears MTV VMA performance has also made you forget to eat, sleep, tip waitresses, swallow down drool or go to the toilet to defecate – but that doesn't change the simple fact that it's happening.

To get you back up to speed, when Britney Spears and Kevin Federline split up, they decided to share equal custody of their adorable little redneck babies Sean Preston and Jayden James. But then something happened that made Kevin think that perhaps Britney wasn't the best mother around. We don't know if it was trying to kill herself or rolling around in shit or trying to communicate exclusively with her vagina, we just don't know. But the ensuing custody fight has seen Kevin Federline work harder than we've ever seen him work before, although we'll admit that technically that wouldn't really take all that much.

Kevin Federline served everyone, from Britney's old assistant to Britney's possible lesbian lover to Britney's entire rehab, all in the hope that one of them would prove that Britney Spears was an unfit mother who doesn't deserve custody of her own children. And now, as Fox reports, he may have found a mystery witness with a signed declaration shocking enough to have Britney Spears removed from her children immediately:

Britney Spears could lose custody of her two little kids as early as Monday morning…. The judge in the closed hearing case, Commissioner Scott Gordon, has the declaration, and does not have to rule on it. He can simply read it and enter it into the case’s existing papers… In other words, the declaration has already served as testimony. It would only be if Spears’ side decided to question that the witness would be asked to speak. And the witness will be there at 8:30 a.m. I am told that the witness could blow Spears’ chances of keeping little Sean Preston and Jayden James. The likely observations from the witness concern drug usage by Spears in her home and in front of her kids.

Apparently this secret witness isn't famous, or Britney Spears' drug dealer, but the truth is bound to come out eventually. And, with the closed hearing case due to start within minutes, we might find out sooner than we expected.

If the case does go the way that Fox expects and Britney Spears does lose custody of her children today, it would easily make September 2007 the worst month in her entire life – possibly the eighth or ninth subsequent month that has taken that particular honour. Hopefully the imminent possibility of losing her children will be where Britney Spears realises that she needs to take drastic measures to turn her life around, because if October 2007 bests September 2007 then she'll probably have to knock the moon out of orbit or taint the world's drinking water with acid or something.

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Britney Spears Bombshell: Custody Of Kids Imperiled – Fox