The only people who Britney Spears has ever abused are the designers of the dresses that Britney routinely smears with dog poo and anyone who saw her slam her tongue into Madonna's mouth at those awards in 2003.
Oh yeah, and possibly her children a bit too. Although she's slap-bang in the middle of the planet's most bitter child custody battle, Britney Spears is now being investigated for claims of child abuse. And while authorities are withholding the identity of whoever lodged the complaint against Britney Spears that sparked off the child abuse investigation, it's not thought that Britney Spears isn't being accused of any actual physical abuse. Unless you count dressing up your two young children in skintight red pleather catsuits and making them dance in a sexually provocative way to Oops I Did It Again, breaking one of their fingers each time they get a move wrong as physical abuse. Which it obviously isn't; after all, it never did us any harm.
The Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline child custody bitchfight shows no sign of letting up, even though deciding if Britney Spears or Kevin Federline is the most unfit parent is a little like deciding if you'd prefer to have a washing machine or a fridge dropped from a helicopter onto your head. But even though Kevin Federline only seems determined to shockingly reveal that Britney Spears went to rehab once and might be a bit of a lesbian on occasion to win full-time custody of children, an anonymous complaint has been left with the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services claiming that Britney Spears abuses her children.
Obviously any claim of of child abuse needs to be investigated thoroughly, which is why Britney Spears is now under scrutiny. However, it has been made clear that Britney Spears has not been accused of any violence against her sons Sean Preston and Jayden James – so what is she supposed to have done wrong? Did Britney puke on her children? Did Britney dress her children up in designer clothes and then rub shit on them? Did the kids see pictures of Britney Spears's vagina and get sort of depressed because their mother has achingly nondescript genitals? No. As the New York Daily News reports, Britney Spears gives her children sugary drinks now and again:
Britney Spears' parenting prowess is again under scrutiny by the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services, celebrity Web site TMZ.com reported yesterday. This time the issues aren't related to immediate physical peril so much as poor dental hygiene, questionable diet and erratic sleeping schedules… It's possible investigators are checking on rumors that Britney fills her sons' bottles with sugary drinks, wakes them when she returns from clubbing and takes them along on late night restaurant dinners.
That is obviously child abuse of the very worst kind – late night restaurant dinners? How dare Britney Spears be so irresponsible! We just pray that the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services doesn't discover that Britney wouldn't let her children order the lobster bisque at these restaurants either, for her sake.
But even if Britney Spears has been abusing her children, let's not forget who we're dealing with. Take Sean Preston for example. Not yet two years old and already he's witnessed the messy break-up of his parents' marriage and the ensuing uncomfortably erratic behaviour of his mother – plus he's been driven about dangerously, has almost been dropped several times and fractured his skull falling out of a chair. Frankly you'd need to set off a nuclear explosion an inch away from Sean Preston's face just to break him out of his thousand-yard stare, so we doubt that he'll even notice being given a cup of sugary drink sometimes.