The last baby to come slapping out of the Britney Spears Baby Conveyor Belt was a little boy called Sutton Pierce, right? WRONG! Or maybe a bit right but also possibly semi-wrong – Britney Spears has got everyone confused.
It's been widely reported that the second baby to emerge from the spine-chilling sexual union of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline was called Sutton Pierce, but it was never officially confirmed by anyone. Now it's being reported that the baby's name is really Jayden James, and even that the baby might be a girl. Now, your instincts are probably telling you to be excited and intrigued by all this, but don't be – chances are that it's a cynical way for Britney Spears to give the new Kevin Federline album a push. And since the new Kevin Federline album looks like a big bag of arse, we probably shouldn't fall for it.
It's probably fair to say that Britney Spears would disintegrate into dust the instant an original thought popped into her head – or at least an original thought that didn't involve her putting her children in danger by driving unsafely or letting them smash their skulls open. Britney Spears has posed naked and pregnant for a magazine, which Demi Moore did first; Britney Spears wrote a poem about how miserable she was, which Sylvia Plath did first; and now Britney Spears is getting all Suri Cruise on everybody's asses about her
last dumb accident new baby.
Despite Britney Spears giving birth last month, there's been no official confirmation of the baby from Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Rumours have suggested that the baby was a boy named Sutton Pierce – something backed up by Kevin Federline sending out invites to his boozy Vegas rampage that read:
"There is a new Fed in the house. Give a shout out to Sutton Pierce Federline. Celebrate with the new daddy in school."
But now MSNBC is reporting that this whole Britney Spears Sutton Pierce thing is a crock of shit, and the baby's real name is Jayden James:
It was widely reported that on Sept. 12, Spears gave birth to a baby boy that she named Sutton Pierce. Spears has not confirmed those reports, and pics of little Sutton have yet to surface. Sources tell the Scoop that may be because there is no Sutton Pierce Spears Federline. “That’s not the baby’s name,” one source insists. “It’s Jayden James. J.J. for short.” Another source insists that the baby isn’t a boy at all — but a girl. The rumours gained traction when Federline appeared on a radio show and refused to answer questions about the baby’s name or gender. “Isn’t that strange when you hear that, when you have a child and people tell you the sex is a different one,” the DJ asked Federline. He replied: “Yeah it’s crazy. Well it’s even crazier when people are telling me my child’s name.”
Does this sound familiar yet? Does it sound like the big Suri Cruise mystery? Because it should – reports are suggesting that the true identity of the Britney Spears baby will be announced shortly to coincide with the release of Playing With Fire, the new Kevin Federline album that's scheduled to become the biggest joke in musical history in less than a fortnight. Kevin Federline has already tried to portray himself as a family man to sell some records – and then tried giving away his shoes to anyone who preordered the album – but maybe this Sutton Pierce/ Jayden James strategy will be enough to turn his musical career into a going concern.
Or at least it would, if only anyone gave half a fart about what that clueless twat and his deeply unsexy wife called their baby, of course.
[story by Stuart Heritage]