The British Soap Awards were held last night. They’re not going to be shown on television until Wednesday, but why watch hour after hour after hour of mindless backslapping and pretend bonhomie, when you have a tiny, bulletproof blast of information from your friends at hecklerspray.

A while ago, we listed the main contenders for the six big categories: Best Actor, Best Actress, Sexiest Male, Sexiest Female, Best Villain and Best British Soap. And now we’re pleased to reveal the winners. Well, not pleased. We’re, what’s the word? Oh yes, smug.

Fans of Family Affairs, hold on to your hats…

For Best Actress, we predicted that Suranne Jones would be the winner, for her haywire performance as That Screeching Woman from Coronation Street (DVDs). And guess what?  We were right!

For Best Actor, we guessed that chuckling, Grease-loving, Run The Risk-presenting, walking Sid James impersonation Shane Ritchie (CDs) would walk away with the prize. And we were right again!

Sexiest Male, we predicted that brooding Nigel Harmen would win, for his portrayal in Eastenders (DVDs) of the brooding man that has sex with his sister. And, you guessed it, we were right!

Sexiest Female, we thought that Coronation Street‘s Nikki Sanderson
might be victorious, mainly because of all the tabloid guff about her
being randy all the time. But we were wrong. Instead, identikit Hollyoaks (DVDs) girl Jodi Albert won. We didn’t even list her as a contender. Whoops.

Best Villian, we suggested that Sasha Behar might clinch it as berserk old Mad Maya from Coronation Street. Right right right!

And for Best British Soap, we predicted that Coronation Street would win. But, to be fair, a crosseyed earwig drunk on cherry brandy could have predicted that one. Of course it won.

As for the other awards, Coronation Street pretty much swept the board. But the big story is that Family Affairs actually won stuff! It took the Best Dramatic Performance and Best Storyline awards. They’ve probably already pawned the statues to buy food by now, but we’re sure it was nice while it lasted.

Here’s a full list of winners.

[story by Stuart Heritage]