Like bad Mexican food, Britain’s Got Talent returns, and brings with it much pain and…. diarrhoea?
Okay, just the pain.
It’s 2010, baby, and BGT is going to party like it’s 2009. Which means that the producers have set out determined to find someone who looks like a forest daemon, but sings like a woodland nymph.
We’ll see if that happens, but based on the first week’s set of nopefuls it seems more likely that Amanda Holden‘s face will register any kind of human emotion more realistic than those robotic dolls the Japanese keep making.
Firstly this week, let’s look at Kieran Gaffney’s Mum And Dad.
And then look away again really really quickly. Because there are few sights in this world more depressing than that of a 13-year-old boy playing a basic rock drum beat while sat looking at his mother’s S&M-clad backside.
Thankfully, the parents were quickly kicked off by the judges, Simon Cowell‘s eyeballs rolling around in their sockets like they were each having their own little epileptic fit.
Which left us with Kieran Gaffney. And boy, can the kid drum. This 13-year-old hits the skins like a 15-year-old. He’ll never win, though, because his drumming face is truly ridiculous. He looks like a coked-up gorilla having an orgasm while simultaneously shitting out a hedgehog.
And that’s a look very few people find appealing.
Next, we’ve got Tina And Chandi. One of those tiresome mad-old-lady/borderline-abused-dog acts that for some reason the public seems to love. Chandi lifted up a leg once or twice, and Ant Or Dec was in a helium-voiced delirium:
“The dog’s doing ballet!!!”
…he squeaked, like the mutt had just lifted Tina above its head and spun her twice around.
Utter cobblers, obviously. But cobblers that lots of people like, so expect to see more of these two.
Lastly, this week’s other nonsense we liked.
Michael Lavender was wonderful, of course. The kind of harmless old British eccentric will endear himself to the crowd by… oh God, what’s he doing? Why is he… look, is that guy okay? Can we ask his wife if he’s taken the right drugs today? Oh christ, he’s having a massive seizure. Right here on stage. Oh god no, please don’t die. Oh, an egg. Why?
Chloe Hickinbottom was fascinating, in a “how repressed has that 10-year-old girl’s upbringing been that she enjoys being put on a stage to sing wartime songs of love and loss?” kind of way.
Finally, as Chloe was defiantly looking backwards into our past, Paul Hunn was staring resolutely ahead at our nation’s future. One in which The Queen will clap her dusty little hands together at a bloke burping into a microphone. Sadly, the judges felt she mightn’t be quite ready for it yet.
Cowell gave him a simple but authoritative
“It’s a no.”
Amanda was quite clearly instructing her gastric sphincter circuit to try and replicate this bizarre human physiological response to entrapped gas in the digestive tract.
And Piers Morgan seemed like he was trying to say something, but quite honestly all we could hear was the sound of two worms mud-wrestling.
So, we shall wait until next week to see if an obvious challenger for the 2010 crown shows themselves.
Or, failing that, Michael Lavender comes back for another go and has a full on breakdown while mimicking a baboon making potty, ending up rolling around the stage in his own faeces.
Either one’s fine by us.
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Aidan Davis Fan says
Aidan Davis is currently on tour with Diversity, check out Aidans Official Website to see the tour dates! :)
chloe says
ER STFU kieran gaffney is an amazin drummer andlooks lush when he drums so dont get cheeky like to see how much effort you put in t things like he do oh but look at the words u used didnt put much effort in to them did u as there sad and pathetcic LMFAO get a grip kierans amazing and lush k.