Here’s part two of our week-long Britain’s Got Talent excito-jam. Why only a week long? Because Britain’s Got Talent is rubbish. Duh.

For the newcomers, here’s what we’re up to – we’re taking stock of all the Britain’s Got Talent contestants so far, picking one each day who we think has a shot at winning. Please notice the difference between ‘has a shot at winning’ and ‘is good’. That’s a very important distinction to make, because deep down they’re all slightly woeful.

Today: the Britain’s Got Talent rundown for Hollie Steel…

Hollie Steel – What would Britain’s Got Talent be without the sad-looking child performer? Slightly less exploitative, that’s what. But still, 10-year-old Hollie Steel has emerged as a real contender this year. Is this because she’s a brilliant ballet dancer? No, because Hollie Steel is a horrible ballet dancer. Genuinely horrible. Her stupid little 10-year-old legs lumber and clatter around with no grace or synchronicity whatsoever, and we hate her for that. However, Hollie Steel can sing quite well, which is good because – as we’ve already stated – her ballet dancing makes us want to throw up on our crotch. Whether Hollie Steel can win Britain’s Got Talent is another matter – she’s up against some desperately ugly people, so she’ll really have to ramp up her ‘bullied schoolgirl’ backstory if she wants to get the Britain’s Got Talent pity vote. And after all, that’s the only Britain’s Got Talent vote.

Tomorrow: Shaheen Jafargholi!

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