This is Britain, can’t you see? We love reality TV… Like animals we hoot and jeer, with gobs of marmite, chips and beer…

Now think of everything at stake, You’d think there were complaints to make… of scandal-ridden politicians, ID cards and gas emissions…

But oh we love our talent shows, the dancing freaks that Simon chose, we laugh but then we pick our brains,

the circus-goer soon complains… Sod elections! Stuff the Queen! This talent show is really mean! We take offence! You made her cry…

Now all of ITV must DIE!

A torrent of complaints were made to TV watchdog OFCOM in the wake of children appearing on ITV variety show Britain’s Got Talent, sparking interest from the The Department for Children, Schools and Families. Now in talks with BGT producers TalkbackTHAMES, the Department are preparing to review Children’s Entertainment Regulations, which cover under-16s in TV, film, theatre and modelling. The DCSF also spoke to Love Productions, after receiving complaints about children fighting and crying were shown on Channel 4 show Boys and Girls.

TalkbackTHAMES defended their treatment of child performers:

“Parents, guardians or chaperones accompany the children throughout the process and we work very closely with them to ensure that they have all the support they need.”

We don’t see what all the fuss is about, really.

You wanted talent. You clapped your hands for singing kiddies and egged them on in front of cameras but still, someone else is to blame for making them cry. Now that the government is on a moral crusade, we feel that other changes should be made based on OFCOM complaints:

1,671 complaints were made about KFC’s Zinger Crunch Salad in 2005. Down with fried chicken. There were 45,000 complaints about Big Brother in 2007 – laws on cameras, communal housing and people should also be reviewed. Mazda, Ryanair, Pot Noodle, Jerry Springer, Phones 4U, Kiss FM and Jonathan Ross are also culprits: That means cars, airplanes, phones, musicals, r&b and speech impediments have to go. Where is Jacqui Smith when you need her?

“Look what they’re doing on the telly! Never mind that London’s burning,” say the politicians. “Don’t worry about the economy, worry about 10-year-old Hollie Steel and her performance of Edelweiss. Aww look, you made her cry.” Our congratulations, Mr Brown. If there was an award for priorities we’d pin it to your forehead.

Britain’s Got Issues, ladies and gentlemen. Foul and reeking problems that are someone else’s fault.

Call OFCOM and get them sorted.

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