Britain’s Got Badly-Hidden Surveillance Equipment

If you were going to plant a bug anywhere in the country, the Britain's Got Talent auditions probably wouldn't be your first choice.

It's hard to see what anyone would actually benefit from bugging Britain's Got Talent - it's not as if the information could be swapped with shadowy European intelligence officers who'd hear the recordings and triumphantly exclaim "Ah, so zis eez what Simon Cowell sinks of ze breakdancing, plate-spinning pensioner. Ve haf him now!"

But that didn't stop someone from bugging the Britain's Got Talent auditions last week. Nobody has been arrested for the bugging yet, but police are thought to be on the lookout for a big bloody idiot.

Everybody knows that there are certain things that are perfectly fine to bug with high-tech surveillance equipment. You're allowed to bug evil government ministers, for example, or unfaithful spouses, so long as it's for the TV show Cheaters and provided you plan to use the evidence solely to have a tawdry redneck punch-up in a fast food restaurant's car park. 

But you don't use surveillance equipment to bug end-of-the-pier variety talent shows. You just don't. That's so far beyond stupid that it's the sort of thing someone would probably only do by accident. However, that didn't stop one ridiculous individual from bugging the judges' table at a Britain's Got Talent audition last week. The Press Association reports:

The surveillance equipment had been left in the judges' room, where Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden and Piers Morgan embarked on a second day of filming. Suspicions were aroused when the device caused interference with the sound and film equipment for the recording of the audition process of the hit Saturday night ITV1 show. There was a 20-minute delay in filming as police investigated. Cowell said afterwards: "This shows the extent to which people will go to to get inside knowledge on what is going on."

Obviously, the main question being asked in the wake of this Britain's Got Talent bugging is "Why?" Why would anyone on Earth go to the bother of sneaking a bug into a Britain's Got Talent audition? Was it so potential contestants could get the jump on whether Amanda Holden's tastes were for fire-eating mime artists or dogs who can fart Land Of Hope And Glory?

Was it so potential contestants could get the jump on what exact type of disabled relative would be most likely to get them a five-minute sad piano-backed black-and-white sob story package to precede their transvestite body builder act?

Or was it, as police currently believe, so that a freelance journalist could have unrestricted behind-the-scenes access to what the Britain's Got Talent judges are really like?

If that's the truth, then it's a real pity that the bug was discovered, because we'd have loved to have read the subsequent revelatory 'Simon Cowell is a bit smug, Amanda Holden is annoying and Piers Morgan is like a bad, fifth-generation photocopy of Simon Cowell' exclusives that their story would have dredged up.

But really, it's the Britain's Got Talent contestants who we feel most sorry for. This bugging scandal has totally overshadowed their chance for glory, and the ensuing confusion may have ruined their dreams. But never fear, because the Britain's Got Talent voting public know real talent when they see it, and a worthy winner will be picked regardless of the backstage bugging tomfoolery.

Well, maybe not a worthy winner, but a semi-worthy winner who looks a bit odd. That's how Britain's Got Talent works, right?

Read more:

Bugging device halts Talent filming - Press Association