Bristol Palin & Levi: The Wedding You Don’t Care About Is OFF!
Remember Sarah Palin? Of course you don’t – which means you’re less likely to remember her daughter Bristol.
So here’s a brief recap. Sarah Palin was the woman who would have become vice-president of America, if only a) she wasn’t colossally stupid, b) her main hobby didn’t involved blasting holes in the side of reindeers with a shotgun and c) her teenage daughter Bristol hadn’t got knocked up by a redneck at an inopportune moment.
And now it’s been revealed that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston, the father of her illegitimate baby, have split up. Please respond with the appropriate ambivalence.
Forget the economic meltdown and everyone losing their jobs, what really sucks about 2009 is that there just aren’t as many pregnant teenagers as there were last year. True, Octomom’s doing her bit – if you divide her age by the number of babies she’s had then technically she’s a two-year-old – but there just isn’t the same visceral thrill that you get when a teenage girl accidentally gets pregnant with a baby she’s not capable of looking after.
And that goes double when their parents are trying to paint themselves as religious pillars of virtue. It’s what happened when Jamie Lynn Spears got pregnant and ruined her mother’s shot at writing a parenting guide, and it’s what happened when underage Bristol Palin got pregnant and ruined her mother Sarah Palin’s shot at becoming the vice-president of America.
Well, if we’re being accurate, the pregnancy and the fact that Sarah Palin would have obviously been a terrible vice-president ruined her shot at becoming vice-president. And the fact that her speaking voice makes her sound like a surprised penguin having a stroke. But you get the idea.
Still, at least Bristol Palin was engaged to Levi Johnston, the hockey-playing redneck father of her baby. So, no matter what happened to its family politically, the baby would be brought up in a secure, loving home by two people who were utterly devoted to each other.
Except, you guessed it, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have decided to split up. AP reports:
Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin, the teenage daughter of Gov. Sarah Palin, have broken off their engagement, he said Wednesday, about 2 1/2 months after the couple had a baby. Johnston, 19, told The Associated Press that he and 18-year-old Bristol Palin mutually decided “a while ago” to end their relationship. He declined to elaborate as he stood outside his family’s home in Wasilla, about 40 miles north of Anchorage.
Oh, like any of this matters now. It’s not like Sarah Palin is ever going to hold a role in senior government ever again, so it’s not really a big deal if Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston split up or stay together or both turn gay or announce that the moment their baby was born they swatted it into a ceiling fan with a tennis racquet. In fact, we don’t even know why this is news.
Oh, wait. Yes we do. It’s because it’s funny.
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Jesus, you can almost imagine the telephone call:
“Hello, is that… is that Mr McCain? Hello, sir, it’s Levi Johnston. Yes sir, the redneck. Yes sir, the redneck who lost you the election. It’s just that… well, sir, you know how you said you’d kill my entire family and sell their corpses as dog food if I didn’t marry Miss Palin? Well, sir, now that you’ve, like, lost and everything, can I break up with her please? What’s that sir? Oh, yeah, total pain in the ass. Uh huh. Just like her mom. I can? Great, thanks Mr McCain”
Actually, thinking about it, it could well have been my brother than made the threatening call in the first place…
I imagined the same thing. I saw the redneck dude getting the f*ck beaten out of him by the Secret Service and then McCain saying, “So are you going to marry her now?”.
Don’t be so sure of yourself! Sarah Palin is NOT OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL PICTURE AT ALL!!!
Whether you like it or not, the woman is powerful, beautiful, and brilliant!!! (A lot more than I can say for you and your bloggers!)
To open with a statement “Of course you don’t remember Sarah palin” is laughable and only wishful thinking!!
The woman is destined for greatness!!!
“Destined for greatness”?
Look up the biographies of Geraldine Ferarro, Walter Mondale, and Dan Quayle. That will give you an idea of the “greatness” in store for Sarah Palin.
You can’t argue with Carolyn – her music is “creative, fresh, and tasteful”.
And to be in one of her concerts is truly a “worshipful experience, because Carolyn has the heart of Praise and Worship in her music.”
Plus she has an excellent red afro. Kind of like Rod Hull with extra volume.
Loads of LOLZ at Joke Police.
Also, she integrates a bald eagle, the Stars and Stripes, AND the NYC skyline into a single patriotic image. Great work, Cazza.
Powerful? maybe with a rifle. Beautiful? ok, she is a MILF. Brilliant? now you are really going out of the park. There is no way this could pass. and her ex son-in-law knows it! and he is a redneck!
Kinda makes me wish y’all had a pregnant, out of wedlock daughter to mock …
Palin is ignorant, violent, and bible-thumpingly self-righteous. That is also a fairly large segment of America
I think it is finally sinking in to the American psyche that, no matter how much like you they may be, you should not elect idiots to high office.