Brigitte Nielsen Swears! In Italian!

Channel Five gets all the best shows. You want to see Keith Chegwin running about in the nude? It’s on Channel Five. You want to see Madge from Neighbours get her face cut open and her skin tightened? It’s on Channel Five. You want to see Joey? Really? You want to see it? Anyway, it’s on Channel Five.

You want to see Joan Rivers and Brigitte Nielsen screaming swearwords into each other’s faces? Of course you do. And where will you be able to see it? That’s right, Channel Five.

The Joan Rivers Position was being filmed for the fifth channel this week, and one of the guests was Brig, known for her wildly unpredictable behaviour on television shows. She appeared drunk on Fantasy Football once - but anything that makes Baddiel and Skinner look stupid and confused is a good thing in our book.

She jiggled about naked in a hot tub with mental rapper Flavor Flav  on The Surreal Life, which spawned a spin-off series that chronicled their love affair, despite the fact that she was openly engaged to another man.

Then there was Celebrity Big Brother, where she appeared to come off as being mostly normal. But then Michael Jackson would appear normal in a house with Bez , Rambo’s mum and a charisma vacuum like Caprice.

After she came out, Brigitte tried to get married to her fiance, Mattia Dessi. But she couldn’t. She forgot she was already married.

And then she was booked as a guest on the Joan Rivers show.

Joan is mainly famous for having facial skin that’s been pulled back so tight that if she tries to kiss you, her ears pop off.

But she’s also a talk show host, and can regularly be seen at awards ceremonies commenting bitchily on what people wear. Like a surly, drunk, out-of-work, homosexual theatre set designer sat in the corner of a bar mumbling to themselves.

Something that Joan said during the interview had offended Brigitte so much that she took off her microphone, threw it to the ground and walked off. Twice.

And the second time, Joan said a swearword. The worst word. You know, the one that begins with a ‘c’? The one that is a word for a lady’s minge? It rhymes with ‘munt’? Got it? No? Complete this sentence: Jamie Oliver is a fat mouthed…? That’s it. Well done.

On hearing this, Nielsen launched into a volley  of Italian cursewords. Then her husband joined in, too.

With any luck, you’ll be able to see this madness unfurl when Joan’s show is broadcast next month.

hecklerspray says thank you Channel Five. And thank you too, John Logie Baird. Thanks a lot.

[story by Stuart Heritage]