Brian Belo Wins Big Brother. Happy Now?

This series of Big Brother was the least-watched ever, either because of the new multichannel on-demand TV age taking hold or because nobody could understand what the hell any of the Big Brother housemates were ever talking about.

But forget all that, because Big Brother 8 finally has a winner - and it's Brian Belo, the man who turned shouting "Shut up!" like an enraged homosexual hairdresser into the catchphrase of the summer among the 12 people who actually watched Big Brother regularly this year. And as the winner of Big Brother, Brian Belo can now look forward to having a super high-profile media career that'll make him even more of a household name, the same as other Big Brother winners like Aberdeen Evening Express columnist Cameron Stout, mid-sized provincial town nightclub DJ Kate Lawler and failed 1970s disco dance fitness DVD salesman Anthony Hutton. Yup, it's the big league for you now, Brian.

Big Brother 8 has now sadly come to an end. We say sadly because we're convinced that three more weeks of Big Brother would have ensured that every single citizen of Great Britain would have had a go inside the Big Brother house over the course of this painfully long series. However - despite lasting for longer than most of our pets do - Big Brother 8 finished on Friday with 20-year-old Brian Belo as the winner. Brian beat bookies' favourites Sam and Amanda to the Big Brother crown, possibly because his vocabulary is slightly larger than "dead," "good," "pink," "cringe" and "stop pawing at me like a pervert stalker all the time, Brian." But don't worry if you wanted Sam and Amanda to win Big Brother - they're both lined up to pose tit-to-tit on the cover of Nuts solidly for the next 10 months.

Of course, anyone who'd even seen a second of Brian Belo in the Big Brother house knew that he'd emerge as the Big Brother winner, purely because of the journey he's been on. When Brian started Big Brother he was so emotionally immature that he'd show off his involuntary erections to girls, wet the bed and swear blind that females couldn't poo - but now Brian is marginally less emotionally immature, which means that he doesn't wave his erections around, knows that females can poo and either doesn't wet the bed or still wets the bed but Big Brother edits it out.

Sure, it's not much of a journey, but don't forget that Brian Belo's fellow Big Brother housemates included an overeating Welsh idiot, a leather-faced smug idiot, a controlling middle-aged idiot, an aggressively self-deluded idiot, a racist idiot, a gay Greek idiot, a millionaire idiot and - briefly - the abnormally wonderful Thaila Zucchi, so he was probably the best of an especially idiotic bunch. Apart from Jonty, who we really wanted to win.

But, apart from all the good-natured stupidity, Brian Belo's time in the Big Brother house was marked by the frequent use of the phrase "yogurt top" and a romance with Big Brother twin Amanda that would have been romantic had Amanda not been so obviously physically repulsed by Brian's every move. We'd love to be able to tell you how Brian reacted when he won Big Brother, but his winning interview pretty much just consisted of a neverending stream of unintelligible gibberish which, apart from the terrifying shout-out to Noel Edmonds' spiritual beliefs, we simply couldn't make head nor tail of.

Although he's won Big Brother, though, don't get too used to seeing Brian Belo around. Between his desire to continue his career as a data clerk and this season's shoddy Big Brother viewing figures, it looks likely that Brian Belo will just fade back into the background. Not that we have any complaints about that if it stops abominations like this ever happening again…

So that's Big Brother 2007 all wrapped. See you again next year for another blast of torture.