Brett Michaels has spent most of his life trying hard to grossly offend God.

We’re serious here. When played backwards every single one of his albums whines on about how it was an stupid move for the Most High to invent male pattern baldness, and how Brett is keeping a tally of every single bandanna/wig combo he has to buy and one day he’s gonna submit some sort of heavenly reimbursement form.

Brett’s been mad alright – and now God seems madder. We say that only because He might have tried to kill Michaels in the face recently – on TV too.

Spoiler alert – by the end of this article Bret Michaels will have a severely broken nose, his mouth will be sewn shut, and perhaps worst of all – he’ll still be planning an eighties heavy metal tour for the end of the month. As we understand it he’s going to sing through a straw.

‘But what happened’ you must be asking. Well it went down like this – Michaels’ band Poison was asked to play at an all-gay awards show when the unthinkable happened. A very heavy and large ceiling prop descended into his face causing all the damage we listed above. The damage is reportedly so bad that every single contestant on his VH1 love shows has thrown up all over the place (more than usual), and his mother is sponging off her ovaries – deeply ashamed that such a swollen abomination could have ever lived anywhere inside her.

That last part we bet won’t get mentioned in his autobiography. Michaels’ rep acknowledged the incident:

“[Bret] did fracture his nose and it was badly bruised but he is in good spirits.”

Said rep went on to say that Michaels will probably never write music again, and how that’s really great for most of us who don’t like semi-melodic headaches, but that he better not say that since technically he is a Michaels-employee who is still paying off his student loans so he’d better not rock the boat. Then he laughed and he laughed.

That’s more of an approximation than an exact quote. Actually it’s probably just what the rep was thinking. We’re really intuitive though so you can take that to the bank.

Are you tired of only hearing about the horrible incident? Do you want to see it for yourself?

Well why don’t you already:

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