It’s obvious that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie pick their childrens’ names via a complex system of shuffled Scrabble tiles, darts and fevered Glossolalia.
Although it has plus sides – like the way that it gives Brad and Angelina a bit more of the attention that they so obviously crave – giving their children a variety of stupid names was always going to come back and kick Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie up the bum. And now it has.
You see, Brad Pitt says that Shiloh Nouvel – the oldest biological Jolie-Pitt – has decided that Shiloh is a stupid name for a child. So now she’ll only answer to the name John. We can only pray that this trend ends now – while John is still a funny name because of the gender issue, all it’ll take is for Pax Thien to decide he wants to be called Alan and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be laughed out of the Hollywood elite.
You’d think that, having been married to one crazed self-publicist and then fathering the children of another, Brad Pitt would be a little better at promoting movies. But recent events have shown he has so much to learn.
Where Angelina Jolie markets movies by arming her children ahead of what we can only assume to be a biological vs adopted West Side Story-style offspring gangfight, and Jennifer Aniston markets movies by tearing open old wounds and forcing everyone to stare at them, Brad Pitt’s lagging a little bit.
While we can’t say we blame him – if we were asked to try and make Troy attractive to people we’d probably end up throwing ourselves under a train – at least Brad Pitt is slowly starting to make a bit of an effort. He might not share the same talent for controversy-stoking as any of the women in his life, but when pushed he can at least fall back on the old adorable kid angle when needed.
Or, to be more accurate, the old gender-confused, ashamed-of-their-own-name kid angle, which is what he did on Oprah recently to help promote The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. As Fox reports, Brad Pitt’s two-year-old daughter Shiloh will only respond to the name ‘John’:
“She only wants to be called John. John or Peter. So it’s a Peter Pan thing,” Pitt says. “So we’ve got to call her John. ‘Shi, do you want …’ – ‘John. I’m John.’ And then I’ll say, ‘John, would you like some orange juice?’ And she goes, ‘No!’ So, you know, it’s just that kind of stuff that’s cute to parents, and it’s probably really obnoxious to other people.”
Now we know that seems like a disarmingly sweet tale for Brad Pitt to tell about his child but, trust us, it has a much darker subtext. What Brad Pitt is effectively saying is that because Shiloh Nouvel deliberately chose to rebel against the ridiculous name that he and Angelina Jolie carefully picked out for her, he’s going to punish her by appearing on a big TV show and mocking her for wanting to be a man, in a clip that will no doubt be endlessly replayed throughout Shiloh Nouvel’s adolescence, much to her horror.
The message to the other Jolie-Pitt kids is clear – you do not mess with your chosen names ever. Zahara, if you ever decide you’d rather be called Louise then Brad Pitt will go on as many TV shows as he can to tell the world about the time he caught you trying to push Lego up your bottom. And Maddox, you’d better make sure your name stays the same, because Angelina Jolie doesn’t want to go on Larry King to reveal your hobby of tucking your penis between your legs and singing a song about being a pretty princess. She doesn’t want to, but she will.
WOW says
This is the most absolutely ridiculous thing I have ever heard. All children go through phases and who are you to mock them in front of millions of people? By trying to grab attention you have done nothing but make yourself look like the biggest jerk of all…
Jesse says
This is the second time from this website I’ve seen rude comments towards people you don’t even know. (And I’ve only been here twice)
You seriously need to grow up. It’s obvious you don’t have kids, nor the knowledge to understand a parents love.
Sarah says
I have a feeling this one is gonna get a lot of “WOW” type comments. This is going to be awesome.
gir says
“This is the second time from this website I’ve seen rude comments towards people you don’t even know. (And I’ve only been here twice)”
Every time you come back, it’s new rudeness…
Wendy says
The media has been circulating tons of stories with
the extreme lie based on Jennifer’s misleading
distortion in her calculated interview about a false
confession. I need to clarify because now Team Aniston is incoporating that lie into their bashing
because they believe everything they read. I am scared about how this new spin will make the situation more corrupt and wrong than it already is.
Brad and Angelina have maintained their innocence
and steadfastly denied that false, heinous accusation
for the past four years with the great amount of
class and restraint towards the people who refuse
to believe it. They never actually revealed how their
romance developed, just that it began after his
breakup. Jennifer’s insults calling Angelina’s comments “inappropriate and stinging” are completely
uncalled for considering Angelina made it clear that
her relationship with Brad was one of professional
friendship. In the Vogue Interview, which Aniston
slyly makes reference to, Angelina denied having
an affair with him and she was merely trying to
describe how things were when they first met. She
was just explaining how their bond naturally later
developed into a romantic one when he became single.
Now the media is just blatantly lying about this,
they misportray everything but they are taking it
to a new level by making it seem as if Angelina
spilled details about an illegitimate affair when
the fact is there was NO adulterous affair. Angelina’s interviews are not even an accurate reflection of what she actually says, despite the
distortions and unfavorable editing, it was made
clear over a year ago when that interview was
released, that she was denying wrecking his marriage.
Jennifer’s lies about herself and them are just
sickening. She continues to cross the line and
intensify the backlash and paradox with her
manipulating. They also lie about her keeping quiet,
forgetting the PR campaign she launched against them
that last for nearly two years and had permanent
negative implications. Most of the world would not
have officially bought that storyline if it hadn’t
been for her media support and campaigning. She
continues to torture and degrade them, either openly,
or behind their backs by using her friends to feed
into the gossip mill. The media is playing unfair
either by deleting the comments by people who try
to point out the important fact that Angelina never,
ever said her romance began when he was still hitched
to her.
Jam says
When doesn’t this family not use their children? Jolie-Pitt have the whole PR thing down pat. If you’re getting any kind of negative feedback, use your kids! You’re sure to get an “awwww”.
Jam says
“You seriously need to grow up. It’s obvious you don’t have kids, nor the knowledge to understand a parents love.”
Clearly you fall into that whole Pitt & Jolie=great parents thing. If so, then obviously you’re not a great parent.
If they were such great parents they wouldn’t be traveling around so much. Do any of their children have regular playmates or do they have to rely on each other?
Wheredoyougetthisstuff says
Well, I love them and I still thought it was hilarious. Isn’t this site supposed to mock people? Actually I believe that is hecklerspray’s formal job description. I especially like Alan Thien Jolie-Pitt.
I don’t know which is worse the posters who have no sense of humor or the ones who actually think they know these people well enough to criticize their parenting skills. No one seriously doubts that these kids are loved and well taken care of. None of them looks like they’re starving or abused to me. These kids will be fine.
KIMBERLY says
STUARD. YOU ARE JEALOUS BITCH. HOW MUCH JEN ANISTON’S ASSISTANTS PAY FOR YOU TO WROTE THIS? MOVE ON DIRTY BITCH