Next week, heartthrob actor, Brad Pitt, will introduce a line of furniture that he designed with respected furniture craftsman and designer, Frank Pollaro. The pieces in Pitt’s collection, which to my pedestrian eye resemble high-end Ikea, will debut exclusively in New York City November 13th through 15th, and include a marble bathtub for two, that looks like a butt imprint, and a fucked-up looking side table with a twisted base that looks like a stretched-out Slinky (though it’s actually made of 24-karat gold).
Evidently Brad collects modernist and contemporary furniture, and … when he’s not busy making movies or painfully pretentious perfume commercials, taking care of his 400 kids, building houses in New Orleans, or nailing that Angelina … he likes to sketch his own furniture designs.
Brad and his co-designer, Frank, first began collaborating after Frank went to Brad’s home to install a custom-made desk and whoopsie! he happened upon a sketchbook filled with Brad-original furniture designs. Weird that such a notebook would be just casually laying out when a furniture designer comes over … one would think the Jolie-Pitt’s would have a better cleaning staff.
Thus began a dream partnership in which the two men apparently had marathon meetings, lasting up to ten hours, to bask in each other’s pretentiousness and share fascinating conversations “about design, about materials, about craftsmanship, about classicism, about modernism.”
Do you remember the old days when Brad was awesome and not such a douche? He’s still a talented actor and I can’t criticize his civic-mindedness, but he seems to take himself way too seriously these days. My theory is that Angelina reverse-Lady Gaga-ed him. A few years ago, Lady Gaga postulated that her creativity was drained through her vagina when she had sex. I suspect that Angelina sucks Brad’s personality out of him through her vagina. That seems like the only reasonable explanation.
In addition to the bathtub and Slinky table, Brad’s collection also features a bed, a dining table, club chairs, a cocktail table, and more side tables. The furniture prices have not been disclosed, but they are guaranteed to be way up there, with Frank suggesting that a chair could go for $45,000. However, the prices could be reduced if there’s enough interest. Then, according to Frank, “the same chair we charge $45,000 for might sell for a fraction of that.” While it would be kind of them to cater to the masses, in my humble opinion, even one/one-thousandth of $45,000 is way too fucking much for a chair, no matter how steeped in Brad Pitt’s creative ardor.
Maybe some celebrity-obsessed and perverted rich person would be willing to spend such an outrageous amount of money on a piece of furniture if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had sex on it first and documented it with photos, or better yet a video. That still doesn’t sound reasonable or appealing, but I bet someone would do it.
Mostly I wish Edward Norton would show up at the furniture opening, punch Brad in his fucking nose, and wake him up out this ostentacious reverie.