That’s it. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have definitely split up. Definitely. There’s incontrovertible proof.
What? A confirmation? A formal confirmation of the split by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie themselves? Don’t be silly. But we don’t need a formal confirmation when we’ve got proof this watertight – Brad Pitt has just bought a house. A house with a cave attached.
And, yes, look, we know that Brad Pitt has bought several homes in the past, and none of the previous ones seemed to signal a romantic split from Angelina Jolie of any kind, but you’re missing the big picture here. This one has a cave. A cave, damn it! Remember when you spent $700,000 on a house with a cave last time you split up with your girlfriend? This is EXACTLY THE SAME THING.
You’ll notice that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have yet to formally respond to this weekend’s reports that they’re about to split up. This means one of two things. Either a) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren’t splitting up and they refuse to dignify these obviously fabricated reports with a response, or b) they hate each other so much that they can’t discuss the wording of the response without angrily smashing crockery over the other one’s head.
However, signs aren’t good. This week a celebrity magazine declared that Angelina Jolie had a vodka-fuelled affair with her dialect coach from Salt, even though she didn’t actually have a dialect coach for Salt. And, worse still, it turns out that Brad Pitt has just spent $700,000 on a house with a cave in it. What does this mean? Well, let’s run through the options:
1) Brad Pitt likes architecture and found the property fascinating from a design perspective.
2) Brad Pitt knows that, despite the recession, property still remains a solid investment.
3) Brad Pitt hates Angelina Jolie so much that he rushed out and bought the first house he could find, just so it meant not having to look at her stupid idiot face for any longer than he absolutely needed to.
4) Brad Pitt is going to become a superhero, tasked with the burden of saving Hollywood from the creeping shadow of crime. Buying the cave was stage one of this plan; part two will involve convincing the local police commissioner to flash a silhouette of a grotty beard into the sky at the first flash of trouble.
But, as far as The Daily Mail is concerned, it definitely means that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie properly hate each other’s guts:
Brad Pitt has secretly purchased a bachelor pad to help him sort out his split from Angelina Jolie, it was reported yesterday. ‘The house oozes character,’ said a source. ‘Brad has had his eye on it for some time but he decided now was the right time to buy. He needs somewhere quiet that doesn’t have memories of Angie and where he can be alone and think about what he does next.’
That said, we’re still not convinced. We still need to see some concrete proof before we believe that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie really are done for – like if Angelina Jolie goes and buys some cushions or a hat stand or something. Then we’ll know.
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tommyG says
Cave – Could be artisanal cheese, needs goats. Wine – Grapes, barrels, check. Mushrooms, requires a fun guy. Bat rescue shelter?
Andrew says
I enjoy far more your report than the twisted ones of other blogs. May I say they are full of bs. Brad and Angelina are having a good laugh straight at Ian Halperins stupid tricks to try sell that tabloid book. lol