Everyone's got a price, and everyone puts a price on their babies.
hecklerspray's asking price for it's children is infinity – because we love them all so much nobody could ever pay enough. That horrid rumour we once sold one for a half eaten Klondike Bar is completely unfounded and has almost no basis in reality. If you are, however, interested in seeing our catalogue – like family photo album, just let us know. Pay particular attention to the different types of ice cream treats listed under each child's face. For no reason.
Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie, they don't sell kids either, per se. They do, however, sell pictures of their kids. And for absolute millions, no less.
If you're like us you've already drawn thousands of pictures of what you think the Pitt-Jolie baby will look like. If you're really like us, then you are super-shocked when their hand drawn prodigy turned out looking exactly like Megatron, evil mastermind behind the Decepticons. It's really not surprising though, as his two powers were turning into a gun and home-wrecking. Seriously, ask Tom Arnold why Roseanne gave birth to a toaster just before they split.
Soon though, we won't have to speculate what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's child will look like, as the happy couple just inked a deal with a US magazine for the first pictures of the baby. The mag forked out almost $5 million for the honour of first publishing. It's actually a smart move on the part of the Pitts, as there was sure to be paparazzi climbing all over their compound trying to get a shot of the child. Remember the price tag on that thing? If you got the first pic, you'd be an instant millionaire.
Now before anyone goes accusing the Pitts of selling their kids dignity within it's first week of life, you should know they intend to give the money – all the money – to UNICEF. It's an organisation that helps kids globally. An undisclosed source close to the couple gave this quote:
"Angelina's very private but they figured they might as well use the opportunity of one child being born to help a lot of others."
The paparazzi's plan is fatally flawed. They're all waiting for the baby to be born to steal Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's child's image – that's way too much competition. We, on the other hand, think outside that box. The promise of millions has spurred on the scientists here at hecklerspray laboratories to devise a way to get that baby pic way before Ang spits it out her V. We can't tell you how, because it's absolutely disgusting, but we can give you some hints. It involves a cockroach with an oxygen tank, a miniscule camera attached to a tiny miner's helmet, really small grappling hooks, and UPS same day delivery. But then we've said too much.
[story by Shawn Lindseth]