Typical. The most highly-anticipated birth of any human being since the dawn of man, and it happens after hecklerspray packs up for the bank holiday weekend.
So then, a brief update. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have had The Most Beautiful Baby In The World, a girl named Shiloh Nouvel. And as a thank you to the country that housed Brad, Angelina and the 900 billion photographers who followed them around for the last few months of the Jolie pregnancy, the couple have given a gift of around £164,000 to help babies unfortunately born less beautiful than Shiloh Nouvel.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren't like most A-list celebrity couples. Where they could have stayed in LA and had their new baby in a cutting edge, clean and perfectly silent private hospital, they decided to drop the sprog in Namibia so that Angelina Jolie could continue her charity work. And where other celebrity couples fiercely guard the image of their new-born baby, Brad and Angelina have already signed a picture deal for the baby, with all the money going to charity.
But Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are, in other respects, just like every other celebrity couple out there, since they've given their new baby a batshit name. Trying hard to top Suri – 'Princess' in Hebrew, and Bluebell Madonna – 'Please make me famous again' in Spicetalk, Brad and Angelina have called their baby Shiloh Nouvel. It's perfect: preposterous Hebrew name? Check – Shiloh means 'Messiah' in Hebrew. Mis-spelled French word for a name? Check – surely it should be 'Nouvelle'. A lifetime of relentless teasing and bullying due to having the shittest name ever? Check.
Now that Shiloh Nouvel has been popped out to add to The Most Beautiful Family In The World and all the photographers have realised that their jail-time was all in vain, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have decided to thank Namibia for putting them up for the last couple of months. They've donated around £164,000 to help pay for maternity equipment in two Namibia state hospitals and a community centre they recently visited. In a statement, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie said:
"We want to contribute to Namibia and the people who have been so gracious at this time."
Donating money to the African country where their first biological baby was born seems like a nice idea, but Brad and Angelina should have used a bit more foresight. After all, that's £164,000 that will be needed in 15 year's time when Shiloh Nouvel realises what a shit name she's got and decides to sue her parents for being idiots.
[story by Stuart Heritage]