There are currently three schools of thought regarding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. One is that their marriage is in trouble.
The second is that their marriage is fine. The third – the school we subscribe to – goes like this: shut up about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie shut up shut up shut up make it stop make it stop oh God why won’t you make it stop shut up.
So, to clear up the rumours for good, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have spent an evening smooching for photographers in Cannes. Which theory did this prove? All of them, technically.
Over the years, we’ve come to expect a lot from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – be it their continued smash-and-grab trolley dash of an adoption strategy, or the birth of The Most Beautiful Human On Earth, or – at the very least – a relentless, petty dismissal of Jennifer Aniston‘s worth as a human being.
But lately Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have given us none of this. They haven’t even instructed their bodyguards to rough up some photographers in a fit of power-crazed Roman Emperor-style bloodlust lately. Honestly, it’s like the fight’s gone out of them.
However, if you read any of the one-word weekly women’s magazines like Heat or Look or OK or Guff or Clodge or Spaz or Gurrrrrrr, then you’ll know exactly why this is – it’s because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. No, really, they are. They’re definitely splitting up because they work too hard and Brad Pitt’s parents still like Jennifer Aniston and one of them wants more kids and the other one doesn’t and they’re definitely splitting up. You know, just like how they were definitely splitting up in 2006.
In truth, nobody knows if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are splitting up. And this is down to the simple fact that if you are in any way personally affected by the private life of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie then you deserve to have your genitals smashed into pulp with a hammer to stop you spreading your inherent stupidity down to future generations.
But despite this, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have spent an evening in Cannes awkwardly snogging like a couple of socially-incompetent 13-year-olds at a school disco, just to prove that they can still just about stand each other. The Sun reports:
At the aftershow party they gave every impression of togetherness but there appeared to be awkwardness between them. They sat together and Angie put her hand on Brad’s thigh yet he is seen looking away and appears distracted. Then at one point Brad looked as if he went to kiss his partner – and she seemed to pull away.
So what does this mean? Were Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie making a hamfisted stab at romance in an attempt to prove their detractors wrong? Or did the glare of the world’s press simply ruin their mojo? If you ask us – and you should – then our timely and scholarly response would be this: shut up shut up shut up stop going on about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie all the titting time shut up shut up look we’ve got our fingers in our ears we can’t hear you LALALALALALALA shut up shut up.
Which, we think you’ll find, is fairly comprehensive.
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susi says
Could you sen this to Intouch Weekly? Maybe it will stop their obsession with Jolie and Pitt? Although I doubt it.
anonymous says
Yaakhh.. Typical Angelina’s look – as if she doesn’t want to give away the bonding there is (as if) between her and a man married to someone else.. What an indecent person.
Ligaya says
So, how does hecklerspray and susi know what the tabloid world, In Touch Weekly etc., say and what schools of thought there are without reading and paying attention to the Angelina/Brad stuff themselves? AND YOU’RE JUST PERPETUATING IT BY DOING THIS! Why don’t you take your own advice, and SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! I expect this will be the last time Andgelina/Brad will be mentioned in this column. NOT. Because hypocrite that you are, you know where your bread and butter is. Angelina/Brad = internet traffic = money. So shut up shut up shut up with your snarky self-righteousness already. You’re transparent.
ldj says
first, They are not married and second, who cares if they split!
audrey says
Exclusive pics of Brad Kissing Angelina at 2009 Cannes Film Festival : http://www.newslicious.net/2009/05/angelina-jolie-et-brad-pitt-ils-saiment.html
Laia says
Yep, totally agree with ldj…When i decided to see this issue, i thought it would be more serious, maybe with a few photos of Cannes or something…nothing at all.Just a photo from years ago and some nonsense ‘information’. Painful.
Hallie says
Clearly Angie & Brad are in love! Every day, week, month & year the Tabloids say otherwise. People are very jealous because they’re too beautiful, talented with the most uber-stunning & diversed family in hollywood! Hope they last.
cathy says
LOL … enjoyed reading this one LOL
Dumbfucking article says
How can we take seriously the opinions in this article when the author made such an amateur mistake as to refer to them as married?
Next!
Bratt says
I found this piece on the web thought i would share.. This article is old but it says enuff… Angelina Jolie, “Girl, Interrupted.” Angelina Jolie Onstage, Jolie (looking like Wednesday from “The Addams Family”) thanks her brother (a lot). Backstage, the 24-year-old-star offspring of Jon Voight (a winner himself for 1978’s “Coming Home”) gets used to the feel of Oscar. “My dad’s mother had his [trophy] in a goldfish bowl, on the mantelpiece,” Jolie says. “I never held it. You know, you grow up with it, and you kind of think it’s just this strange thing in grandma’s house.” As for the brother thing — the guy’s name is James Haven Voight and, according to Jolie, “he and I were each other’s everything.”
Melli says
First there was Peyton Place, and the birth of the soap opera’s. Then there were the prime time dramas, Dallas, Falconcrest, Knott’s Landing, Melrose, just to name a few. These shows have and are fading from public view, and why? People are fascinated with drama and the problems of others, whether fact or fiction. Why do we need these types of programs now with the explosion of the internet? Real life and real drama from the glamourous people’s lives even though we don’t know them and whether it’s true or not is much more fascinating because it mirrors the trials and problems we face in our own lives. So hunky Brad left girl-next door Jennifer for dark and exciting Angelina. Brad and Angelina trot from red-carpet to globe hopping red-carpet collecting needed orpans along their way. You can’t get better soap opera drama then that! As long as their are camaras and the insatiable appetite of adoring fans, you will have the media frenzy which is Brangelina.
Klynn says
First of all… THEY AREN’T MARRIED! If you are going to post publications about individuals, regardless of their social status, make sure your facts are straight. The obsession is stupid, but so is printing false information. Brad and Angelina’s relationship may be on the rocks or whatever, but their marriage certainly isn’t, because they are not legally wed. And if you have issues with gossip b.s, stop perpetuating the problem yourselves! I tend to agree with Idj, but the one error is… People should care to some extent if they split, because there are 6 children involved. Brad and “Angie” are adults, but their kids are innocent bystanders who shouldn’t have been thrust into their whirlwind relationship so quickly anyway. Shame on them, this publication, and us, for being so stupid.
Disgusted says
“And this is down to the simple fact that if you are in any way personally affected by the private life of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie then you deserve to have your genitals smashed into pulp with a hammer to stop you spreading your inherent stupidity down to future generations.”
This statement alone should show readers the immaturity and intellictual level of the author. A mature and intelligent writer would certainly be able to express his or her thoughts without resorting to statements as vulgar and rediculous as that. But he takes it even further by allegedly putting his fingers in his ears. Please, that is the conduct of a 4 year old in the throws of a temper tantrum.
The brillinant observation about the three “schools of though” basically apply to any relationship.
Hopefully, writing is not this persons chosen profession.
Laughing says
A humorous perspective on the frenzy surrounding Brangelina. I thought it was a nice stab at the gossip-mongers who recycle their “news”. Great satire–people who are angry at you for writing this piece just can’t read between the lines. Of course your “school of thought” applies to all relationships. That’s the point. After all, they are really just two people in a relationship. The title alone is the giveaway.
Anonymous says
Oh my, Why don’t Jen just move in with Brad and Angelina to stop the paparrazzi and the newspapers from their gossip and mystery. I think I have heard and seen enough about it. “Is Jen mad at Angelina, who cares?