Priscilla Presley is that you? Oh sorry, my bad, that’s just Lana Del Rey trying to be you. It’s 1967 in Lana’s mind and I guess if you’re going to choose anyone to emulate you might as well want to be someone Elvis chose to marry and then divorce. Right? Maybe?
But she isn’t even doing it in an interesting way. Is this woman even relevant anymore? Who are we talking about again? I’m falling asleep just writing this sentence.
Lana-dear was catapulted onto the scene when the video to her song ‘Video Games’ was all the youtube rage. You know the one. She spends a solid four minutes pouting at the camera between random footage of Los Angeles, filmed by the Blair Witch Project people. It’s basically what Instagram would be in music video form, so hipster bees, meet honey. That is, until everybody and their mama was watching this thing. I’ll even admit that it held some strange charm for me. I can’t explain it. I still can’t explain it. Please forgive me.
Her birth name is Lizzy Grant, but that was too bubblegum, not exotic enough. So now she has a name that makes her sound like she’s probably the next Gloria Estefan or something. Looking for an artist with the hip new latin flavor? Sorry, Miss Del Rey isn’t it. Instead we get a dull wannabe Nina Simone-Amy Winehouse-Lolita-type.
Her singing is such a yawnfest that insomniacs all over the world are playing her music at night instead of gentle whale sounds or soothing rainforests. I can’t tell if it’s just her way of singing or if her voice just has a hard time getting past those inflated lips of hers. The only thing bigger than her lips these days is her hair, where a small village of orphans could be living. A bird might be laying its eggs in there, no one really knows.
Plus, all of her songs are about the same thing. She’s like the Taylor Swift of this…genre (if you want to call it that). Except instead of singing about the boy in homeroom who doesn’t love her, she’s singing about being a gold digging coke head. I swear it seems as if she mentions Chateau Marmont in every song and we all know what goes down in the bathrooms there. (See also: Lindsay Lohan).
She has referred to herself as a gangster Nancy Sinatra, but what does that even mean? Please make us an offer we can’t refuse, Lana. Namely, one that involves you making better music.
Sadly, I don’t see that happening anytime soon after finding this clip of the song ‘Pussy’ where she sings that her “pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola.” Replace Pepsi Cola with desperation and we may have a winner.
Does anyone still drink Pepsi?