Bono to play Bond?

So the next James Bond movie has been confirmed as a remake of Casino Royale.

This is possibly a good thing, as the original book doesn’t contain anything thats been rubbish about the last few films, like giant space laserguns or invisible cars or 10 metre-tall robot monkey warriors. Actually, forget the last one, that’s a great idea.

Now all that’s left for the makers to do is decide on who is actually going to play James Bond. Having ruled out an early favourite, MC Skat Kat from Paula Abdul’s Opposites Attract video, the producers are looking at a new, arguably less-talented set of contenders.

Here is the hecklerspray lowdown on the runners and riders…

Firstly, let’s ditch the ridiculous: Colin Farrell and Ewan McGregor. McGregor, though Scottish, is a pasty ginger turnip of a man, and Farrell has to be ruled out because James Bond was never meant to be a sexually ambiguous, perma-masturbating teenager. Easy, tiger.

Next category will be named ‘The Outsiders’. The actors contained here in will provoke the ‘Sven Goran Eriksson Effect’ if they are cast. This means that the sterling-loving crackpots who still actually like the monarchy will be out in the street, declaring that Bond is no longer ‘ours’. Even though he’s been played before by an Australian, an Irishman and a tax-dodging Scot in Barbados. So we must kick Hugh Jackman and Eric Bana off the shortlist. Bana, even though we think you’d actually be pretty great, and Jackman because we’re completely sure you’d suck.

And that leaves us with the final three.

Jude Law, star of every freaking single movie ever made.

Dougray Scott, the official dark horse (though hecklerspray heard a tasty whisper about him some weeks ago).

And Clive Owen, up for all kinds of awards for Closer.

Wife-swappy Law is the least likely to get the job, mainly for being a fairly-limited actor. Scott is an unpredictable fellow, mediocre in some movies and being the worst actor of all time in Mission Impossible II. Good at swearing though, not that Bond’s particularly profane.

That leaves Clive Owen. For a million reasons, Owen would be the best Bond. For instance, Casino Royale is about gambling, and Owen was in Croupier. Owen has played King Arthur, just like Sean Connery. Um, Clive Owen has an O in his name, so does James Bond. Wait a second, so does Bono! He has two! And he has a B in his name! And an N!

The Bono For Bond campaign starts right here, people! Save the world, buddy.