Grievers! Do you have a recently deceased friend or family member that needs an eulogy?
Do you want your loved one to be paid tribute to in the most ridiculous way possible?
Then never fear, Bono is here to help!
The Irish midget is always on hand to say a few words about anyone
that has just died. Only, he likes to say it in the most idiotically
‘hip’ way. Like your Dad turning up at your mate’s house wearing a
baseball cap and bodypopping to Ja Rule.
The Pope
was the last person in the whole world to die, so Bono needed to say
something dumb about him. But he had his work cut out trying to top the
time in 1999 when he called the Pope "the funky pontiff".
So he tried another strategy – the rock metaphor.
He’s well practised at this, after he compared Tony Blair and Gordon Brown to John Lennon and Paul McCartney. Though which politician was which musician, he left unclear. hecklerspray wants to know which MP is the heroin addict and which one is sleeping with Jane Asher.
So now the Pope has become "The greatest frontman the catholic church ever had".
But was he? Bono used to make entrances onstage by coming out of a
giant lemon. That’s showmanship. What did the Pope do? Wave his hands
around in a balcony? Readers, you decide.
The plug-haired git is always quick off the mark whenever anyone croaks to give them a tribute.
When Joe Strummer died, Bono said "The Clash wrote the rule book for U2". Even though U2 are the exact scientific opposite
of The Clash. If Bono pays as much attention to furniture assembly
books as he does to The Clash’s rulebook, stay away from his house.
It’ll be a flipping deathtrap.
George Harrison – "There was a certain mysterious and unknowable quality about his music". No there wasn’t. Which song? ‘Piggies‘? ‘Long Time Ago When We Were Fab’? ‘Something’ apart, Harrison’s songs were mysteriously boring.
The only reasonable thing Bono said about a dead celebrity was this, about Johnny Cash, "I considered him a friend, he considered me a fan".
When Princess Diana died, Bono dedicated an entire song to a tribute album to her. That song was ‘Miss Sarajevo’, which contained the lyric "Here she comes/Beauty plays the clown/Surreal in her crown".
Not the greatest summing up of anyone’s life, but hecklerspray thinks it just beats The Worst Lyric of All Time, from U2’s ‘Elevation’, "Higher now/In the sky/You make me feel like I can fly/So high". Maybe he’s saving that one for the John Denver tribute album.
Get U2’s rulebook here – The Clash ‘The Singles’ for £7.99
[story by Stuart Heritage]