Call us paranoid, but we can't help suspecting that giving a knighthood to Bono from U2 – even an honorary one – means that Bono is going to start riding a white horse around in a suit of armour while trying to chop his servants' heads off with a sword.
But it's too late to worry about any of that, because yesterday Bono was given an honorary knighthood by British Ambassador David Reddaway in Dublin. Bono received his knighthood in recognition of his services to bleating around all the time in an unbearably self-important way. Just kidding – Bono received his knighthood in recognition of his services to being in a band that has made a successful career out of only really having two songs. Just kidding – Bono received his knighthood in recognition of his services to going "doo doo doo" on adverts for iPods. Just kidding – Bono received his knighthood in recognition of his services to wearing sunglasses indoors on overcast days like a bell-end. Just kidding – Bono received his knighthood in recognition of his services to probably something to do with charity or something.
The world would undoubtedly be a poorer place without Bono. Thanks to Bono's ceaselessly hard work, campaigning and dedication, the world is able to relax in the knowledge that Bono's hat legally belongs to Bono, that Bono's hat can be flown around the world first class and that when a famous person dies, Bono will always be first in line to yammer off a stupid tribute that'll only partially be about hats.
But it isn't all hats with Bono, you know, because Bono has got his eye on the bigger prize – trying to go a day without having his life endangered by Sharon Stone. Oh, and saving the world and ending hunger and stuff too. You know just as well as we do how much of Bono's life is dedicated to charity – it's something we're all aware of because he never ever stops reminding us about it – if Bono isn't launching global AIDS charities then he's editing magazines to tell us about the time he launched a global AIDS charity. But now Bono has been rewarded for his charity work; he's been given a pretend knighthood by order of the Queen, as Newsday reports:
Irish rock star and global humanitarian Bono became a knight of the British empire Thursday — just don't call him 'sir.' "You have permission to call me anything you want — except sir, all right? Lord of lords, your demigodness, that'll do," Bono, 46, told reporters after he was crowned a Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire in a jokey, informal ceremony in the Dublin home of British Ambassador David Reddaway. Reddaway paid tribute to Bono's work as a savvy campaigner against poverty and disease in Africa — but first asked whether he was disappointed that becoming a knight no longer involves a sword or kneeling. "Please, I wasn't expecting you to kneel," Bono deadpanned, his hand on the ambassador's shoulder.
And good for Bono – although as an honorary knight we aren't allowed to refer to Bono as 'sir', he does join a list of other famous knights like Paul McCartney, Elton John, Cliff Richard, Michael Caine and Pele, all of whom have their own bespoke suit of armour and jousting lance in their garages and are legally obliged to lead the charge into any country that the Queen feels like invading.
But this isn't the first honour that Bono has received. Bono has been TIME's Man Of The Year, and he's been awarded France's premier order, the Legion d'Honneur, and the Portuguese equivalent the Order of Liberty – plus he's firmly at the top of hecklerspray's list of People Who We Can't Really Stand Even Though They've Done A Lot Of Good.