Bobby Brown’s Heart Attack Was Codswallop Says Bobby Brown
Then buzz it up
October 12th, 2007 at 14:30 by Stuart Heritage
News of Bobby Brown's heart attack brought about a great panic, not least because - without Bobby Brown's poo-tugging fingers - Whitney Houston might have become constipated enough to resemble a giant singing poop-balloon.
But you can all calm down because Bobby Brown didn't have a heart attack. We know this because Bobby Brown said so. According to Brown, his sudden visit to hospital on Tuesday night was just for a routine check-up and not - as his own attorney claimed - because he had a heart attack so scary that he even made a video of himself saying goodbye to his children. So what's the real story - did Bobby Brown have a heart attack or not? The only way to find out is to go to the concert in Los Angeles tomorrow where Bobby Brown is playing and seeing if he mistakenly refers to Candy Girl as "Candy Girarrghhcchhchhharrgghhh Oh God My Chest Oh God Not Again" midway through the set.
Imagine that you're Bobby Brown and you're having a heart attack. The part where your life flashes before your eyes would be a weird procession of images, wouldn't it. In essence, your final thoughts would remind you of the times that you stuck your fingers up Whitney Houston's pooper and watched Whitney Houston punch out imaginary demons and got sprung from jail by a radio station that wanted you to be its man-slave for a week in return. No wonder that Bobby Brown is denying that he had a heart attack - because those mental flashes are a form of pleasure that will only get better with age like cheese or wine or yogurt.
Yesterday the internet was awash with reports that Bobby Brown had a heart attack and was hospitalised, thanks in part to a statement by Bobby Brown's lawyer who claimed that Bobby had suffered a mild heart attack due to 'stress and diet' - which is probably normal for a man whose main love rival is Osama bin Laden. But Bobby Brown isn't having any of that nonsense and has gone on the record to refute claims that he's got a dodgy ticker. E! Online reports:
The R&B singer said Wednesday that he did not have a heart attack, despite what his attorney told reporters earlier in the day, and that he only visited the hospital this week for a routine checkup in advance of his upcoming tour. "None of its true," Brown, who has no history of heart problems, told Associated Press Radio. "I went in for a checkup. The doc gave me a clean bill of health." … "I did go to the hospital…to just get a checkup, get everything tested out so that I could go on this tour, and everything is fine," he said. "I don't know where the heart attack thing came from. I got my heart and everything checked out earlier this morning, and I'm just fine."
And who are we to not believe Bobby Brown? After all, when we have regular medical check-ups we like to make sure that the paparazzi records slightly terrified messages to our children in the event of our death, too. That's just normal. So it's agreed that Bobby Brown absolutely didn't have any kind of heart attack whatsoever this week, and presumably Bobby will be happy to prove this by letting people sneak up behind him and let off air horns or burst balloons or let off air horns or scream pro-Whitney al Qaeda slogans into his ear or whatever any time they see him.
Read more:
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October 12th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
[...] Stuart Heritage wrote a fantastic post today on “Bobby Brown’s Heart Attack Was Codswallop Says Bobby Brown”Here’s ONLY a quick extractBobby Brown Heart Attack Denied News of Bobby Brown’s heart attack brought about a great panic, not least because - without Bobby Brown’s poo-tugging fingers - Whitney Houston might have become constipated enough to resemble a giant … [...]
October 12th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
Having had a couple of mycordial infarctions myself, I know what goes on after they get you to the hospital. (Actually if the heart attack doesn’t get you in the first minute or so, it’s likely the medics can save you, once they get hold of you.) First they pump you so full of anti-coagulants that you could out-bleed the Tsar’s son. Then come the blood pressure relaxers that leave you limp as a jelly fish on dry land. Next come the heart relaxers, and you could sleep through the Apocalypse. If this chemical smorgasbord isn’t sufficient, they’ll zip you into the catheterization lab and ram a catheter up your aorta until they find the clogged coronary artery, whereupon they’ll squash the blockage flat with an inflatable balloon, and then insert a metal stent tube to hold the artery open permanently. If that is not effective, they’ll shoot you over to the operating room and bypass your arteries until you say uncle. Plainly, there are many stages of heart attack treatment. Did they just do some injections for Bobby Brown, and monitor him, possibly holding his hand, and then send him home with a “possible mild heart attack” diagnosis? Or did they catheterize and stent him? Maybe, because that requires an overnight stay and some monitoring the next day. Did they do bypass surgery? Clearly not, or he’d be there yet. I guess it’s his business what went on, but to say “checkup” is kind of funny.