Celebrity Big Brother’s Kenzie – also a member of the Blazin’ Squad, that peculiar combination of pop-group-meets-school-trip-that-got-out-of-hand – has decided that the world is ready for his no-doubt scintillating life story.

James MacKenzie – as the new, serious Kenzie will probably want to be known – is about to release a ’scrapbook format’ retrospective of his epic 19 years. Entitled My Life (surely an oxymoron), the Kenster will apparently reveal details about his time in the Big Brother house and … actually, that’s about it.

hecklerspray would like to take this opportunity to offer you a specially-abridged version of this upcoming literary masterpiece. It goes something like this: ‘Hello. My name is Kenzie. I was born and I was shit. The End.’

Even more alarming is the news that – in some sort of Satanic trade-off – Kenzie will recount his relationship with waste-of-oxygen Jodie Marsh provided that he is given ‘a spot in her upcoming autobiography.’

A Jodie Marsh autobiography? Not since Geri Halliwell’s two-volume crime-against-paper has a prospect been so daunting.

To be brutally honest – and hecklerspray always is – we’re not exactly dealing with Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath here, are we? It’s pretty difficult to imagine the Booker panel getting all excited over the ramblings of a pre-pubescent wannabe-gangster and his brainless permatanned missus.

Although – quite frankly – we’re getting harder to surprise with each passing day …

See You At The Crossroads

[story by C J Davies]