We’re confused. Scared and confused. Scared and confused and incontinent. And it’s all Big Brother‘s fault. Sods.
Why? What did Big Brother do? It didn’t nominate Halfwit for eviction this week. Don’t these idiots understand how Big Brother works? Nothing ever happens and then Halfwit gets nominated for eviction. THAT’S HOW BIG BROTHER WORKS, IDIOTS!
But this week, oh no. The Big Brother housemates have realised that a bucket of plague couldn’t shift Halfwit from the house, which is why Shiavash, Dogface, Noirin and Karly are up for eviction instead. So let’s have a bloody look at them, then…
Siavash – Hey, fans of genuinely mental facial hair! Relax! Your hero Siavash should be safe this week. You see, Siavash has pulled off a very unusual trick in recent weeks. It’s known as ‘being fairly reasonable’. We don’t know where he got it from – we’re assuming that he copied it from someone, because nobody with a dress sense that alarmingly awful could come up the the idea of niceness by himself. And besides, Siavash was only put up for eviction this week because he’s got a slightly dirty mouth. And remember kids, swearing is cool AND grown up!
Dogface – You know when you go to the zoo and there’s a old couple of lions? And then the boy lion dies and the girl lion spends two months forlornly staring out into space before dying as well? Strap a pair of ridiculous comedy tits onto the girl lion and that’s basically Dogface’s predicament inside the Big Brother house. Since Kris was evicted, Dogface has had little to do except mope around, halfheartedly fend off a number of lesbian advances and moderately swear. The swearing’s why she’s been nominated, by the way. It’s like a kind of verbal euthanasia, or something.
Noirin - Look, we’re going to stick our neck out here and beg you. You absolutely must not vote Noirin out of the Big Brother house this week. By general consensus, this has been the dullest Big Brother ever, and the only housemate even attempting to punctuate that is Noirin. Yes, she’s opinionated. Yes, she’s loud. Yes, she’s completely alienated everyone else in the Big Brother house by acting like an uppity brat – but without her, what would Big Brother be? Three months of Rodrigo being reasonable? Ugh. UGH. Plus Noirin keeps promising to get naked and she hasn’t yet. That reason too.
Karly – And then there’s Karly, the favourite to be evicted from the Big Brother house by a mile. Which is bizarre, because it goes against every piece of Big Brother logic we’ve ever heard. Usually the public will need to remember that a housemate actually exists to evict them, but that doesn’t seem to be the case with Karly. She’s tried to slip under the radar and failed, probably because she’s too busy doing her best to look like Fearne Cotton if Fearne Cotton had been born in a caravan and then bullied into prostitution at an early age by an abusive step-father figure. Anyway, it looks like Karly’s a goner.
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