Big Brother started on Thursday night, right? Wrong.

In actually fact, if you want to be bewilderingly petty about it, Big Brother only started last night. Because last night, the final housemates were given official housemate status. True, that meant saying goodbye to Beinazir, but we’re sure she’ll go on to have a bright future. Those Subway signs don’t hold themselves up, you know.

So now we know who the final Big Brother housemates are, the ‘fun’ starts here. Let’s take a look at the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye so far…

Noirin – Along with Rodrigo, who is so completely identical to Kenneth from 30 Rock that we now truly believe he sees people as Muppets, Noirin was the first Big Brother contestant to be granted official housemate status. Why? Because she shaved her eyebrows off and drew a pair of glasses on her face with marker pen. For many people that would be humiliating, but not Noirin – in fact, her tenacity was something to be applauded. “I’ve come this far already,” Noirin said through gritted teeth, seemingly putting the act of auditioning for a TV show that ran out of interesting people seven whole years ago as a level of bravery up there with with self-amputating a frost-bitten appendage with a jagged tin can in the middle of a disaster-prone Everest climb. And for that alone, Noirin, we salute you.

Sophie & Karly – We’re lumping Sophie and Karly in as one Big Brother housemate for the time being for the following reasons: 1) They’re both blonde, 2) They’ve both got big knockers, 3) They both look like they’d be genuinely stumped if someone asked them to spell their own names, and 4) If they haven’t posed on the cover of Nuts magazine standing together topless with their boobs touching by October, we’re literally going to eat a hat. In fact, neither Sophie or Karly need to win Big Brother, because their future as low-rent soft porn Television X preview presenters is probably already in the bag. But it was nice to see on Thursday’s Big Brother launch show when Sophie and Karly instantly gravitated to one another purely because they look alike. We were hoping that some of the other housemates would use the same networking tactic, but that didn’t happen. In Siavash‘s case, we assume that this was because none of the other housemates were heavily-sedated grizzly bears who’d been dressed up to look like Jesus by a medically-diagnosed cretin with cataracts.

Lisa – Oh Lisa, you gone and done tricked us, didn’t you? There you were, with your tattooed head and piercings and obvious lesbianism, looking like you’d destroy Big Brother from the inside out with your anarchy and mistrust of authority, and it turns out that you’re essentially quite a nice person. Look, we’re going to warn you once here, Lisa, and only once. Big Brother is no place for people who look like they know how to think. Your days here are going to be numbered, young lady, unless you knuckle down and do something more in keeping with your fellow housemates. Like, say, walk into a window again and again for 45 minutes wondering out loud why the air is so hard, or try and speak a normal sentence but get confused halfway through and just end up crying and dribbling down yourself, OK? Either that or out yourself as J from 5ive in drag, since that’s who you clearly are.

Kris – Kris would appear to be the male totty in the Big Brother house this year, which is a bit of a shame because he appears to be one of the Jonas Brothers in a Rod Hull tribute wig. But let’s go along with it anyway – Kris is sexy because his name is deliberately spelt wrong and his main competition in the sexy boy stakes is an over-privileged young Conservative with a funny hat and a name that’s now legally Halfwit. Who will Kris’s first inevitable Big Brother fling be with? The obvious choice is either Karly or Sophie, but we wouldn’t rule out Noirin just yet. Or Rodrigo, for that matter. A boy’s got needs, after all. Anyway, we’re convinced that Big Brother is going to wait until Kris is certain that he’s this year’s heartthrob, and then drop in a better-looking male housemate for no other reason than to destroy his self-esteem. It’s what we’d do, anyway.

Cairon – And then there’s Cairon, who achieved official Big Brother housemate status by putting a biscuit in some tea for about 20 seconds. This series is going to be non-stop excitement from beginning to end, isn’t it?

Later in the week: more of this Big Brother nonsense.

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