So here’s the good news – on Friday Sree was evicted from Big Brother, ridding us of one the most annoying characters in years.

Now here’s the bad news – on Friday Sree was evicted from Big Brother, ridding us of any more conflict and therefore any more interest and therefore any more point of watching Big Brother. No, wait, not having to watch Big Brother is good news, not bad news. It’s a win-win. This calls for cocktails.

Anyway, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week…

Marcus – Now this is a shock. Apparently Marcus – the man in his thirties who still lives with his mother and obsesses over Wolverine so much that he’s done everything in his power to physically resemble him – might be a little odd. Who saw that coming?In fact, Marcus is so odd that around 50% of Friday’s Big Brother consisted of nothing but him ranting directly at the camera in the diary doom. To be fair it was an excellent rant – the jist of it was that he’d threatened Sree, Big Brother gave him a warning for threatening Sree, and then he started threatening Big Brother as floridly as he possibly could. However, it did leave Marcus looking dangerously unhinged, not least because his first words after leaving the diary room were “NAH MY TEA’S GORN FACKING COLD YOU WANKAHS!” which he bellowed into the heavens like an actual war cry. We think we can safely state that Marcus won’t be evicted from Big Brother any time soon. That’s not because the viewers will side with his demented anti-PC stance, but because we assume that Marcus will be kicked out of Big Brother for attacking one of his fellow housemates with a bo staff he’s made out of a broomstick within the week.

Rodrigo - What’s the golden rule of Big Brother? It’s that you can only win if you’ve been through an emotional journey during the show’s duration. This is the precise reason why Rodrigo will never win Big Brother. He hasn’t been on anything approaching an emotional journey for the simple reason that he lives in a bubble. Admittedly it’s a bubble that’s full of puppydogs and rainbows and unicorns and moonbeams, which makes Rodrigo a fairly endearing Big Brother housemate, but it still makes for a fairly one-dimensional viewing experience. We suppose that the nearest comparable Big Brother housemate to Rodrigo is Glyn from a few years ago. He was an innocent as well, but at least he went on a journey. We’ve forgotten what that journey involved – we have a feeling it had something to do with him not being able to cook eggs and then learning how to cook eggs – but it was still more than Rodrigo has managed. What’s our point? We’ve forgotten that too, actually. We think it was that Rodrigo needs to cook more eggs. Yes, that was definitely it.

Siavash – Without question, Siavash has turned out to be the most disappoint housemate of this year’s Big Brother. Why? Well, look at him for starters – Siavash dresses like a Jesus bear with a disturbing fascination for the 1980 musical The Apple. That alone should make him the biggest cock in the Big Brother house. No, the biggest cock in the country. No, the biggest cock in the world. No, the biggest cock in the universe. Siavash should be the biggest cock in the universe. But he’s not. He’s sort of nice and well-rounded and down-to-Earth. And that, friends, is boring. It’s like buying a porno mag and opening it to discover that it’s really a Haynes manual for a 1976 Austin Allegro. Oh well, at least Siavash did give us all glimpses of cockishness early on, by drawing on his bottom and beatboxing perpetually, but they all vanished when Cairon was evicted. It’s enough, though. He’s shown that the cockery isn’t entirely latent. Fingers crossed that it’ll rear up in the next few weeks and we can get round to properly thinking that he’s a tit.

Later this week: the Big Brother eviction nominees.

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