Big Brother can be odd. This time last week we were peeved because there was a Sophie, a Sophia and an Saffia in the house.

But now? Now Sophia has been evicted for being the world’s most awful munchkin, Saffia has walked – presumably to hunt for her long-lost personality – and Sophie’s been renamed Dogface. It almost makes us wish that all the other Big Brother housemates were called variations on the name Sophie too, because then they’d all leave at once and we’d be happy again.

Anyway, here are the awful sods who’ve caught our eye on Big Brother this week…

Sree - So far during this series of Big Brother, Sree has emerged as The Sensitive One. And by sensitive we mean SENSITIVE. Say you were carrying a tub of vegetable oil naked through your garden one summer morning, and you slipped on the lawn, covered yourself in the oil and knocked yourself unconscious. And say the sun was so bright that you developed the worst case of full body sunburn mankind had ever seen. And then say you were woken up by your evil neighbour bombarding your red-raw, blistered body with millions of paintball pellets filled with concentrated vinegar. That’s how sensitive Sree has been in the Big Brother house – sensitive enough to whine and moan and complain and yap about every single tiny thing that happens to him. We couldn’t say whether or not Sree will be nominated for Big Brother eviction this week, but we can state fairly confidently that if he’s still a Big Brother housemate by around week seven he’s probably going to snap and end up stabbing everyone else with a kitchen knife while screaming “WHO’S THE BOSS NOW? WHO’S THE BOSS NOW?” Just a hunch.

Cairon – Cairon says that he’s black, and he says that he’s from America – but has anyone actually checked? Because it sort of strikes us that he behaves like a white chap from, say, Berkshire who just tries really really hard to appear black and American, basing his impersonation solely on what he read in a copy of The Daily Mail from 1994 that his parents had been using as carpet underlay. Get Cairon angry and he’ll stalk around the Big Brother garden cussing everyone else out using nothing but the words that Radio 1 edits out of hip-hop songs in the daytime. Plus he does beatboxing, for crying out loud – something that’s only every done by gangly European Caucasians and geeky-looking Asian girls. YouTube it. We’re telling the truth here. Plus we’re sure that we heard Cairon call somebody ‘homie’ the other day. Black people don’t say that. Fred Durst says that. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this, really they do.

Kris - Kris isn’t your average Big Brother heartthrob – he doesn’t look like he spends 90 minutes each morning GHDing his eyelashes, for starters – but pickings is thin this year, so even though he looks like a one-man bring-your-own-clown-wig Jethro Tull appreciation convention, it looks like Kris is the boy totty of 2009. And, christ, doesn’t he bloody know it. We’re just over a week into Big Brother and already Kris has zeroed in on the housemate with the biggest knockers and started trying to ram his tongue into her mouth at any opportunity. And, bewilderingly, she’s let him. That’s right, Kris and Dogface – we may start calling them Krogface before too long – are in the middle of this year’s first Big Brother romance. And with an eternity remaining before the series is over, does that mean we’ll get to see any Big Brother sex? The answer is – who cares? Thanks to the internet we already know exactly what Dogface looks like naked, so to realistically replicate any Kris/ Dogface sex, all we’d need to do was print off one of her pictures and then roll a fistful of arse-pubes around on top of it for a couple of minutes in a self-regarding and ultimately disappointing way. Which we’ve done, by the way, and it was rubbish.

Later this week – the Big Brother housemates nominated for eviction. And stuff.

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