On Friday, Bea got evicted from the Big Brother house, which isn’t really news because Bea was rubbish.

So what other Big Brother news is there? Well, Big Brother is going for starters, and we’ve decided to take that fact as something between a depressing critique on the state of the nation and a direct personal insult. What else? Nothing. Nothing has happened on Big Brother, in the last few days or ever, frankly.

Nevertheless, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week – Siavash, Charlie and Lisa…

Siavash – Common consensus is that Siavash is the housemate most likely to win Big Brother this year, but that’s bollocks isn’t it? It’s got to be – what does he actually do? Seriously, because we’d love to know. Noirin isn’t twisting him into emotional pretzels any more, Cairon isn’t drawing faces on his arse any more, and frankly he’s the least convincing flamboyant Jesus bear we’ve ever had the misfortune to witness. Literally the only thing going for Siavash is his constant refusal to nominate anybody. And that hardly makes him Ghandi, does it? Ghandi had better hair. Buck your ideas up, Siavash.

Charlie - Big Brother has long since stopped being popular enough to warrant Princess Nikki-style reality spin-offs, and that’s a real shame. Admittedly it’s only a shame because we desperately want to see what happens to Charlie and Rodrigo after the Big Brother final, but what’s so wrong with that? If their life outside of the Big Brother house even remotely echoes their life inside it, every episode of their show would be guaranteed to feature at least two of the following: 1) an awkward, emotionally backwards under-the-duvet embrace, 2) a moment of friendly horseplay, 3) Charlie overstepping the mark and making Rodrigo cross, and 4) Rodrigo charging up and down a corridor for two hours screeching “No! NO! Rodrigo NO!” to himself like a madman with a wasp in his brain. It’d be like EastEnders, only more schizophrenic and gay. Brilliant.

Lisa - Over the last week or so, Lisa has started to relax a little. There aren’t so many people to fight with, all her enemies are slowly vanishing and – crucially – she thinks she’s in with a chance of winning Big Brother. This is probably the best possible outcome for everybody, because in her head Lisa is planning all the things she’ll be able to do as winner – release an number one album, break down the nation’s sexual and gender-based barriers forever and possibly get a stint as a DIY expert on This Morning once a week. And she’ll never accomplish any of them. Because nobody really likes her. But she doesn’t know that. But she will. Oh, she will. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ll be cackling maniacally to ourselves in our underground lair.

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