Yeah yeah, Marcus vs Siavash, blah blah blah – they’re killing Big Brother! They’re actually killing Big Brother!

It’s a sad day indeed. Big Brother has always been there for us – through the bad times, the other bad times, the worse times and the times that were so bad that we deliberately shat ourselves in protest at them – and, yes, we’ll miss it. What’s that? Big Brother’s still contracted for one more year? Alright, we don’t like it that much. Jesus.

Anyway, this week Marcus and Siavash face eviction – not that it matters any more – so here’s what we think of them…

Siavash – Siavash won’t be evicted from the Big Brother house tomorrow night because he’s like a big, slightly rebellious cow. He’s good natured and passive, and he only misbehaves when the farmer doesn’t warm up his milking hands properly or something. Oh, what’s the point? It doesn’t really matter if Siavash goes or not tomorrow, because Big Brother is leaving us anyway. And you know what it’s giving us as a goodbye present? A void. A great big empty void that lasts all summer. How does Channel 4 expect us to spend our summer evenings? Huh? Going out? Meeting people? Doing something more worthwhile than spending every evening sitting there with a bloody notepad writing about idiots we don’t even like very much? Thanks, Channel 4. Thanks a bloody lot.

Marcus – Meanwhile, Marcus is the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night because… oh, you know what? Nobody cares. If people cared then they’d still be watching Big Brother, and they obviously aren’t watching Big Brother because if they were then Channel 4 would keep showing it. In fact, you care so little about Big Brother that you’re probably not even reading this, are you? We’re just talking to ourselves. Well fine. Nobody watches Big Brother and nobody is reading this, so we’ll just say whatever the hell we like and there’s nothing that anybody can do about it. Winky woo. There, see? Winky winky woo. Winky winky winky winky winky winky bloody poxy woo. WINKY WOO.

We’re so alone.

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